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Monday, June 3, 2013
Healing Is Not Pretty
Healing is not pretty. It is intimate, earthy, and sometimes even smells so bad I want to throw up. I can tell pseudomonas infection from anaerobic infection just by the familiar smell of it. I also smell my patient's breath when I intubate and extubate them. Liver breath smells like burnt tires. Diabetic breath is sickening sweet. Kidney breath is chemical. I am that close. I live with it. And I know.
Today I went into the Buddha Shack for yoga somewhat hopeful. The Buddha had promised me a 'surprise' when I last saw him yesterday. It was a beautiful morning, and I was happy to be practicing yoga with my friend and new Reiki Master, Hope.
The Buddha came in right away. During the anadevi series (today was Fat Free Yoga), there is a lot of meditation in between exercises. He handed me a lotus that had a strange quality to it: it looked both gold and white at the same time. It was big and had a stem on it. He held it between the palms of his hands. There were many petals, too many too count, rows and rows and rows of them. He slid his hands against one another, and the lotus started to spin. It was breathtaking.
He said he came here to watch me do yoga, to show he cares and to give support.
During another meditation, from a small break in the garden, a menehune came right up to me with a lei. He put it on my neck and said, 'welcome, we are glad you are here'. I knew there were many more behind him, but could not see. The flowers were small and shaped with a taper at both ends, and white. There was no fragrance. It was a single strand lei. I said, 'thank you' and he stepped back into the forest.
The work was hard. After 'the piston' exercise, we rested briefly. The Buddha offered me water in a Raku earthenware grey cup. I drank, and felt refreshed in a different way from regular water. It was Spirit Water, and I sensed it was very healing.
After some more exercises, in Spirit, he embraced me. My head was on his left shoulder, and I could just relax in his arms. I was feminine, and he was masculine, and the energies 'balanced' in harmony. He sensed that I 'needed' his strength, and was happy to 'be there' for me. I did not collapse on him, I only enjoyed the warmth and solidness of his presence.
He gestured up and I saw the beautiful night skies over Hawaii. He was showing me that there is so much more to life than these bodies, these 'busy lives we lead'. I stepped back from him, and my body became ablaze with white light. I wanted to go up to be with the stars, and briefly, I did.
Then the meditation was over and we went back to leg lifts and other fire-breath exercises.
With open hands, thumbs out, left on top of right at the heart chakra, palms up, Devi started an 'if you can feel it you can heal it' meditation.
Feel sad. I did. I thought about my entire life as a woman without relationship. What a waste of my Divine Feminine Energy. I almost cried, but I held back the tears. Hope was there, and I did not want to upset her. We breathed and let it go.
Feel fear. This is the first time I let myself feel the fear from my attack on me when I was four. I was there. I felt it. I was going to die. I was panicking and looking for my mom in spirit, for my body was being held down. I was on fire with pain and the pillow was pressing so hard on my face to cover my screams I could not breathe. (at the time I blacked out). I was in that moment of anticipating death again, in that Buddha Shack. I was crying and sobbing. And then we breathed the terror out.
Feel anger. This one was not easy. There was a time only a few days ago where I felt so angry I could spit! Now I just looked a the situation; I saw my Divine Feminine being 'blocked' by this person, but I could not hold the anger. I saw that all three emotions were connected, and I wanted very much to heal. We then breathed it out.
I felt better.
The yoga DVD ended. It was time to chant. I sat on my heels, clasped my 'pendulum aromatherapy necklace' as my 'mala' and let go. om prim pram prom sa shani a nama ha we said over and over.
Then The Buddha arrived.
He had my present.
It was a jewelry box. Not just any jewelry box. It was a Japanese black lacquered jewelry box with a music box in it, just like my nana's. It was lined with red silk, and had many drawers. It smelled just like hers. It had the tiny designs on the top, just like hers used to have, with people and mountains and flowers...all so beautiful and delicate.
I was thrilled.
Somehow, as a child, I made the conclusion that 'you could not be a grown woman and beautiful until you had a jewelry box like this.' I never said that to anybody. I didn't even get nana's jewelry box, it went to my baby sister since I got the dining table and the china cabinet.
There is no more perfect gift after my massive healing of my wounded feminine part of me, than this gift. Somehow the Buddha knew! He said further that it was for 'spiritual jewels', and placed inside it the Blue Lotus and the White/Gold Lotus. He also showed me a bodhi seed mala he is going to send to me in the Earth plane. It has a red string. He made sure I got a good look at it so I would recognize it when it arrives in my path.
He let me know he cared about me for who I am. I found acceptance, love and support in his presence and his consciousness.
Buddha has a heart, and it found me.
He smiled, and brought his head close. He touched his third eye--brow--to mine and pressed it.
I smiled a smile of sheer delight!!
He said he would come back, every now and then, but he would always watch over me and be available when I call.
The point is that many times healing requires others. For today, it was anadevi, Hope, the Menehune, and the Buddha himself. And luck. Beautiful, magical luck to heal my deepest suffering. You see, all of it was connected--the sorrow, the fear, and the anger.
Today I let it go.
I share because I have total believe and confidence that you can heal your suffering too. Be open, and it will happen. This is KNOW.