This was a very difficult Easter.
I had the feeling that I needed to cry, and it lasted for days, but it's difficult for me to access my most tender emotions sometimes. It takes a while for things to come out.
I spent the night with my sister, and it helped her very much.Her husband was out of town and she had her hands full! I enjoyed spending time with the kids.
But there was an art project I was doing with my niece, and she looked at a picture to cut out, and said, cheerfully, 'that's my DADDY!!' (the model had a dark beard and dark hair).
It was hard because in my world, there is no mommy and daddy under the same roof, in the same household, and my heart sank because I never would have wished that on my own son. I grew up with a mom and dad together. My niece is growing up with it.
My life is good with Ross. It's just sometimes SO different...
I really couldn't do anything this weekend. Anthony was at his dad's. Everyone else had their own Easter plans. I could have met with a friend, this usually helps, but I was in such a funk...I thought to just lay low.
I realized through the weekend, that for a lot of people, having a weekend all to yourself IS a gift! Some 'me' time, you know? But myself, I felt adrift. It was a combination of the memories and flashbacks from when Ross was alive, and also, the realization that so many of my loved ones I celebrated Easter with are now deceased.
I told Ross I needed him.
I told him that it's lonely, and I felt lonely.
I opened up his Easter basket for me. I'd bought it lots earlier. I knew it was from him. I just felt it. And as I did, I was surprised at how inside the pretty flowered boxes were special treats that had significance for me. Even the basket part I can use on the table to organize our vitamins.
I was deeply touched at how it all came together, and Ross knew, and even, he knew about the surgery that I didn't know at the time. The basket had been on the counter, giving me something to look forward to the whole time.
When you are an old soul, and also, when you are emotionally wound up really tight like me, it's hard, but eventually, your things weighing you down come out. And I talk with Ross a lot on it.
The next conversation was with Ross. I told him I was sad, and I didn't feel good. I was honest with him. I did what he taught me and had me practice to do. But he never TOLD me what would happen if I did it. I had no idea. I just knew it was important. So, I was kind of caught off-guard by what happened after he died.
I also might be really, really dumb, but I just don't GET it...the dying, the sacrifice, the being back. Was it for other people? Was it for him? It certainly wasn't for me. And how could Divine Father come up with such a plan in the first place?
Then, I remembered our conversations back then when he first came back.
My biggest pain afterwards was, why couldn't he stay?
He was able to eat and drink and talk.
Wouldn't it have been nice if he had been able to stick around?
And I remembered him going up...my world was shattered, just like that.
He tried to explain it to me again, this time, same as before, ever so gently...he said, 'how about if you look at it as if I have gone to the future, in order to prepare it for you, and I will come back to get you and bring you to it?'
He reassured me he would always be with me, and whenever I called he would arrive right away, until the 'future' was officially 'here'.
But it only helped a little.
Ross sent me to Divine Father. I haven't been for a while. He was celebrating but he always makes time for me.
I explained to Divine Father that my heart was broken into a million pieces. I had a zip lock bag, the big gallon one, and I shook it and you could hear the pieces tinkling against each other like broken glass.
'Do you have some glue?' I asked Divine Father, plaintively. I knew He could help me fix it.
Instead, Divine Father waved away the bag, and he showed me a new heart, made completely of diamonds...like pavé diamonds all on the surface everywhere. He explained that it is unbreakable, completely protected against any and all attacks to it, and that even more joy and light could be felt with it.
Then I really started to cry.
Mom is dead.
Dad is dead.
My nanna and nannu are dead.
My grandma and grandpa are dead.
My aunties and uncles and even two cousins are dead (I'm grateful one Uncle is still alive).
And then I really, really started to miss my Uncle Beni. He always made everything better. He died about a year ago, but I didn't learn of it until November. It wasn't Easter without Uncle Beni. We would go to the desert, either his desert, or my other Uncle's desert, ride motorcycles, and all be with family.
Once when I dyed eggs, I had extra dye, and I dyed the cow skull bone in the front yard, it took, it was cool.
Uncle Beni's spirit came to me. He said if I miss the desert then next year I will have Anthony for Easter and to plan a trip. (I LOVE the desert, the open sky, everything about it.)
He told me not to worry, that he is good and that everything is going to be okay.
I was careful to cheer up because I know it's hard for a new soul up there to contact us, and also, grief weighs them down.
My nana Angelina came too, I told her how much I missed her. And she told me that actually she is with us a little, as our rabbit. She wasn't supposed to tell me, but she did. That totally made sense now that she said it.
Ross came back, and he gave me advice for the day on what to do. I took his advice.
He told me, when I had been crying, that he is going to love me for a long time. I realized that eternity, and the future, is much more meaningful than this temporary now. But as he said, my family may be dead, but I'm not dead yet, and to enjoy being alive.
I watered the garden for over an hour. The sunshine, the simple tasks, and the familiarity of plants and dirt helped. There was even a small miracle in the plant I've been praying to come back to life again. A tiny perhaps sprout...I saw it and gave thanks.
Once Anthony was home, I was much much better.
Earlier, I'd taken my first bath since the surgery. And I found an old Kneipp bath I'd had, a lavender one, and added it.
I've had SO much work with my throat chakra. I need lots and lots of blue. Not just the thyroid. But the chakra itself.
I don't think I would have been able to verbalize my feelings and heal like I did, without being alone and with unstructured time. This kind of healing is important, and always, it makes you feel lighter once the healing is done.
The reason I share, and the reason Ross lets me write about these incredibly personal things, is to encourage you, using me as an example, to really get in there and let the healing cleanse the heart and the soul.
Do not be afraid to experience times adrift.
Do not be hesitant to fully express your sorrow.
The soul knows what it is doing.
Stay close to your teams.
Be honest, like a child.
And you will be happier and stronger for it.
Also, this message from The Council is absolutely wonderful: click here to see the article
Ross says he is going to spend time with his family. We have plans for supper tonight. He thought of it.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Illuminated Twin Flame Souls