Awakening takes time.
We do our best every day, to be good to ourselves and others, especially those who are in need.
However, with the amnesia we carry just from being alive and incarnate, there are some gaps in our ability to understand, some great big chunks that are absent from our awareness. Things are perhaps are totally obvious to those who are close to us, both in spirit and in the flesh, but totally unrecognized by the person themself.
A similar, but different, kind of 'blindness' is in how the couple who are cheating with each other at work think they are keeping it secret but EVERYBODY knows and just tolerates it. That couple thinks they are pretty clever, when in fact, they aren't.
Healing takes time.
It also takes opportunity.
You can't WILL yourself to heal.
I know people who try to manifest their way into situations with their will...I'm sorry, that's not my style. And furthermore, the strongest teacher, truly, is SURRENDER.
What I'm going to talk about, is the fruit from the last three weeks of working on my subconscious without really knowing it, and a day of rapid recognition, followed by a day of synthesis and rest.
'What you see is what you get' and 'take me as I am, this is how I am and I'm never going to change!' are not exactly the healthiest attitudes to have when we are incarnate. That's the sound of zero growth potential. Not even willing to change.
'I've done the best I can and I guess I'll have to live with it' is where I was at. I've been walking around with a heart chakra that looks like a nuclear bomb went off and there's just a huge hole and vast wasteland. When I first learned of it, Christel Nani RN kept asking me about my mother. I was in medical school, and my acupuncturist had recommended I have a session with Christel.
A finer point is how when you go over this life, or past lives, you just figure 'that's how it was' and you don't really sense it was good or bad, it just WAS. Even when some things were very harmful to our souls. We can't sense it.
With SURRENDER, you find yourself being steered to a point where you can admit the whole truth, just like everyone else--your teams and your loved ones--see it.
This Friday, I realized that I played a part in Ross' demise. We had been so very unhappy. And as Twins we naturally push one another's buttons worse than anyone. So for example, often both twins are unknowing of the connection, they drive one another crazy because of the button pushing, one twin is determined to get the button pushing to STOP, and they do something rash and irreversible like pushing their Twin off a cliff.
All this time I've been looking at how Ross hurt me.
Friday I realized with good reason, I too had hurt him.
And I was sorry.
Really, truly sorry for my part in any disagreement or sadness we experienced when we were alive together. I felt full guilt, sadness, sorrow, and responsibility for my part. I wanted to come clean.
So yesterday I did.
I did nothing.
I cried a little, off and on.
I said, 'Ross, I need you!'
He held me close. Chest to chest.
He reassured me what happened can never happen again.
I was able to talk to him about all of my experiences with that life. My fear. My annoyance. My sadness. My loneliness. My pain.
His fatal flaw was only wanting to help others, in ways he felt he could understand. I supported him completely, but not only couldn't understand, I couldn't feel his joy and sense of purpose. I just saw it made him happy.
He didn't realize that incarnate, he couldn't grasp the realm of Spirit as easily as I could as a woman. That he could have seen more if he had consulted me. That our happiness would have helped the vibration of everything. And that instead of 'his purpose' there was an overriding 'Our Purpose' that we had been trained to do since the beginning.
That's what hurt.
That's what caused the ruined heart chakra in me.
And through yesterday's awareness, and healing, heart to heart through most of the day, today is a little different.
You know when you put manure all over the lawn and re-seed it? How those skinny little new grass grow right up through the manure?
That's what my heart chakra looks like today. Nuclear devastation with a sprinkling of hope and new growth.
Again, it takes being able to 'ride' or 'surf' the energy of our daily lessons. It takes participation in our daily lessons. It takes being in a state where you are amenable to self-discovery and change--in my case, it's through overwork so bad at work that the house chores start piling up and also from being sick both myself and Anthony. It takes willingness to feel what you're really feeling inside, and to share it. And openness and surrender to Truth. Not just 'your version' of Truth. But the Truth everyone sees besides you.
You can't plan it.
You can't prepare for it.
You can't decide when or how it's going to happen.
You just keep showing up and being your best self, day after day.
And BOOM! You make a huge breakthrough.
What do you do after a huge breakthrough?
I don't really know--carry water and chop wood--like in that enlightenment quote?
I feel Ross through my heart center, always. And now, on his side, there's lots less tension, and I sense I'm exactly where he wants me to be. His joy, now, I can feel it. It's a quiet warmth I feel in my chest too.
When do we meet? How? What happens?
I have no freaking clue.
It doesn't matter.
Because what I need is right here with me.
I am a relational being. I like an open connection. I'm made to serve Him. That's what brings me joy. Helping my man. Being there for him.
After all we've been through, I can say I truly am Present now. In a nice way. I saw the Truth. I sought his forgiveness. And he gave it. He asked for mine. I gave it too. He promised me it can never happen again, what happened. And I trust in this.
So, for another perspective, for another person, she gives an excellent story of how she built a wall, and how it affected her in her NDE. Nurse Near Death Experience
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Couple who are Divine