Sunday, August 30, 2020

Resting In Grace


Ross wanted me to write. 

I'm on call, but another colleague is working for me until about eleven in the morning.  I am most thankful for this. 

My days have passed returning to work (two long days in a row, Thursday, and Friday, which except for the tissue boxes on my anesthesia machine and kindness from my coworkers, there's no difference from before mom's transition)... Anthony left to visit his father for the weekend...and I have been holding down the fort.

My expectations of myself are very low. I just wanted to plant some plants into the ground around sunset when it was cool for the plants, and I did. I'm very happy with the half oak barrel I planted with lemongrass, tarragon, artichoke, cilantro, catnip, and shasta daisies in it. It looks accidental on purpose and the colors and textures and heights are pleasing to the eye.

I've spoken on the phone with friends. I'm not much of a talker. My mom was. I enjoy a short phone call every now and then. But I hate to talk when there's dishes in the sink and things to do.

Many have sent bouquets and plants. We have an orchid, a gardenia, and a prayer plant. The note with the gardenia said that she can't pass by a plant without thinking of my mom, and it's true, I can't pass by one either...I almost cried.

I spent time in the pool because water is very soothing. 

Yesterday after work--stressful over only one case--there was a scheduling error and a very angry gastroenterologist to manage--I went to the garden shop. In my scrubs and cap, it's a great way to social distance, people avoid you like the plague. Then I did drive thru for Arby's roast beef sandwiches. We don't eat beef. Haven't for years, ever since we saw a beautiful beef cow that was suffering at the county fair. But this was the last of the last of mom's 'places'. The one by her house turned into a Starbucks. But the one here by us, well, it's still open. And for some reason Ross insisted on a Jamocha shake, so I got that too.

Now I'm ready for normal food.

I've spent lots of time with Ross. Lots and lots. He's been by my side. He has reasons for things, that I don't understand, but I trust him in the mom department. It was time. That's it. And the rest is healing and resting.

I took a nap yesterday on the couch. I slept in. And went to bed early. I was called in during the night and didn't hear the phone I was so sleepy from eight thirty to eleven thirty. The bird actually woke me up. And I saw the text on my phone and was like OMG! 

There's a urologist who every case is an emergency for him, even when it isn't, and he won't wait and always makes the backup teams come in for his patient. He ended up bumping a different surgeon and it all worked out. 

I'll probably hear from my boss about it. I don't know how I couldn't hear the phone. But I didn't. I think my soul was someplace else, if you ask me.

My dinner was just Hatch Chili popcorn, corn chowder, and a large cup of Aveda herbal tea.

Fortunately after today, I'm not on call any weekend in September, not even a Friday. And there's lots and lots of days off because our new people started. 

Have I heard from my mother from the other side? No. And I don't expect to hear from her. There's reasons. I was was a good daughter, but not a favorite, and that's okay. It is what it is. I know she loved me. And she has lots to do. There is a huge relief because after twenty one years of her health bringing her to death's door multiple times, this was the last. It's a lot of pressure, especially on a medical family member, to keep up with the care and the visits and making sure everything is okay.

Here is an example of the pressure on a medical person. I know a couple of doctors who are married. Both operate. But his is more internal medicine based training, and hers was general surgery/trauma surgery training.  His father had a massive heart attack while on vacation in Copenhagen. He was in their hospital. He packed his things and flew out there. The wife said to transfer him to a 'real hospital' like in London ASAP and get him out of that little one. He didn't. He spoke with the cardiologist who was very nice, and wanted to do a stress test.

The wife was like, 'HE ALREADY FAILED A STRESS TEST, he needs to get a cardiac bypass surgery if he is to live!'  (right? massive myocardial infarction--supply is inadequate for demand--he needs reperfusion STAT).

But the husband let the cardiologist do the stress test with the father riding a bicycle. And he made it through the stress test. Then went back to his room, and promptly died in the bed!

If you're not medical, you take the cardiologist for his word, and don't realize there could be other plans of care, better ones, and just say, 'it was his time'. But is you are medical, your training is with you 24/7, 365, and you can't override it. No matter what anyone says. 

Now I'd like to get ready for my day. There are dishes to wash, loads of laundry to do, before I leave for the hospital. And perhaps some quiet time too, but I've been talking lots with Ross. And he talks with you through John Smallman today too (latest blog post).

Grief is probably the most personal thing to go through in this world, spiritually and physically and emotionally, besides Ascension. I'm taking the time I need, and also, the time I need to make sure Anthony is doing okay, so that we let the process take its course. It's when you rush it that long-term effects happen. 

We also are thankful for two bouquets with sunflowers and white roses, identical ones, sent through 1-800-flowers. These don't have any notes attached. We don't know who sent them. But we are grateful for sure.

Ross nods and smiles. He's very content and happy, I can tell. I know I had a lesson (he was quiet) and it's time to gather myself before the next lesson, and he's very very near. I think I did well on this one (he says I aced it). Perhaps that's why he seems proud of me and pleased.

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Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The Couple

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Imaginary Separation


Yesterday I went to work, I was about fifteen minutes late, I'm not sure how it happened, and this song came on the radio

I lost it.

I was heading for the freeway and I had to reach for the box of tissues in the foot of the passenger seat. 

I called mom every day on my way to work...

My sister gets five days of bereavement time off work.  I'm home today, only because a colleague offered to work for me so I could get the day off. He's a facebook friend, too. I didn't understand it, because I TOLD my boss they were withdrawing support in a few minutes on Friday in my text to request my work assignment for Monday. To anyone medical, that means death!

Sure enough, I was at the bedside, and pushed my sister who was in the wheelchair (she'd had a test that morning and had to be careful not to overdo, she's not ordinarily in a wheelchair) into the side room the nurse told us to wait while they removed the breathing tube according to mom's wishes. 

We came in, mom seemed happy, but I don't think she understood just how much work that breathing tube was doing for her. The plan had originally been to take the tube out, drive her back home in an ambulance, and let her pass with family present. Covid restrictions were horrible! I'll speak a little more on that later. 

She never could have survived the transport.

I was there, the tube was out, she wanted water, but all she could get was a lemon glycerine swab, and I swabbed her mouth. She couldn't speak. But she was moving her lips. And I'm a horrible lip reader.

Her sats dropped rapidly. She couldn't breathe. The nurse had turned off the norepinephrine drip too. So within minutes her eyes were unseeing, and she was doing Cheyne-Stokes breathing seen at the end of life. 

I saw the heart tracing on the EKG turning agonal.

I took lots of pictures of my sister with her, and of mom in her last moments of life, and there's one of me--mask off, shield off, just holding mom in my arms, and my face has the emotion of total grief on it. 

It's true, my life will never be the same without her. 

There are three sisters but the healthcare system only allows two present at end of life. So initially my two went up, then one switched out with me, and during mom's passing, we had the one who was in the car on FaceTime, and she was playing Neil Diamond on the radio, one of mom's favorites. At the end, the other sister and I switched back. 

What did I see?

Ross came near, and I told him he has to carry me, I can't walk to this one. So he did.

I told my mom--with my actual voice not just my Spirit one--Go To The Light!

She wasn't in that space much, I think, the space between worlds. She wasn't sure where to go. 

I saw my nana getting ready, she looked very young, a few minutes before mom was to pass. And then at that moment she did, nana came really fast and grabbed mom to make sure she found her way, just as if mom was six and heading towards danger and nana wanted her safe and home. Nana pulled mom up by the hand.

My dad was waiting for mom. He was all dressed up fancy. He said a few words to me, kind ones I can't remember, and then mom saw him.

She exclaimed, 'I did good?'

I told her, 'yes you did good'.  

She never once acknowledged me or made eye contact with me. 

I saw a huge, HUGE party in the distance with the most people I've ever seen on the Other Side in my entire life. 

Dad took her there.

Neither one of them looked back.

There have been no signs or messages since. Ross has been very quiet, very very quiet. Before, when we got the call mother was very sick, I told Ross that I wouldn't hold her back. If he needs her, I give her to him freely, I wouldn't get in the way of plans. My heart is very giving that way to Ross. 

On Saturday I couldn't stop crying. Anthony was an angel and never let me out of his sight, and always was near. 

The hospital was forty miles from home. With Covid, no visitors were allowed. When we learned mom was in the ER, and my sister couldn't go in as her advocate--I called her nurses to get report. But the phone went to mom by accident. Anthony and I spoke loving things, asked how she was, and mom said, businesslike--'I really can't talk now'. Her voice was very gravelly and rough. It was a GI bleed, a lower GI bleed, we thought, but apparently there was infection too. 

My mom has serious health problems and drug allergies. I knew she doesn't know these things. I always tell them to the caregiver. YES, they are in the chart, but nobody reads the chart. Seriously. If it's not in the problem list in the computer, nobody would ever see it. So I got on the line with the nurse -- it's like five attempts through the phone system!--and explained mom has  critical aortic stenosis, and a transplanted kidney that's pretty old. Don't let her blood pressure drop or it won't be good.  The nurse understood instantly what I was talking about (critical aortic stenosis won't come back during a code blue, you need to generate 300 mmHg pressure to get the blood out the valve during chest compressions to perfuse the body). She didn't thank me. She didn't need to. I was okay as long as she knew. She had been telling me mom was an excellent historian (about the bleed) beforehand...

Thursday I went to work. And during my cases I tried to contact the hospital and got the runaround so bad I accused them of trying to hide something about her care.

With Covid, the doctor only calls the 'contact person' once a day to explain the patient's care/progress/prognosis. And my sister, who isn't medical, was it. She'd say things like, 'mom's potassium is going higher and higher' that were so much in lay language I found it extremely frustrating and disturbing not to know what was happening to mom. Finally I got through the nurse and understood intubated, sedated, and on norepinephrine drip. 

That means really bad.

I got a text I didn't hear, and my sister bless her, called me to make sure I got the news--mom had code blue twice in the ICU early Friday morning. It took twelve minutes to get her back. (read--every bone rib and sternum was probably broken at that point). They could allow two visitors. Anthony needed to see mom. So here's the chance. 

At three a.m. we got in the car and drove. Anthony was magically, 'eighteen' and permitted inside. We did the temperature checks and went up because mom was 'critical'. At the door where you call to be buzzed in, they said where are you? You can only have two visitors. We said, 'outside the door right here'.

They were merciful and let us in.

Mom made eye contact, and Anthony told her lots of stories. But to me, she kept gesturing and pointing, but I don't read lips at all. I'm horrible at it. She shifted her weight a lot because it looked like her back hurt her. 

She had said before she never wanted the tube again, but people change their minds. And sometimes get better. She has in the past, and was glad she had it. She also said when her kidney failed, that was it. She was really puffy. Anasarca. But I hadn't thought it was kidney failure because she was clear headed and people weren't telling me anything. We told her she was a good mom, and got kicked out after ten minutes.

It was a long drive home.

I heard from my sister she had seen the video where mom said she didn't want the tube and my sister believed her. So at some point it was going to come out. The hospital told us to wait for the 'real doctor' and to arrive before five p.m.

I dropped everything and came back to the hospital, another forty mile trip. Anthony was with me. Since it was three sisters, we were told it was okay, Anthony was going to be with my brother in law and his cousin. 

You know the rest of the story.

Mom had a policy that wasn't right in my book, but she swore by it:  she had three separate relationships with each of her daughters and wouldn't tell the other two about news of the one.  She did a lot of comparisons, favoritism, but to get what she wanted from each one. She's Sicilian by birth, I'm not sure if it was her or her culture or her upbringing. 

The week before, mom gave my sister who lives near her and cares for her daily by bringing food and cleaning the house--some pushback. The nurse had said she needed her toenails trimmed. So my sister asked mom, what is your plan?

Mom said she would do it. 

Mom needed total care at that point. 

I was in the O.R. and got a call from her in a voice, I'd never heard before, conspiratorial, asking me to 'do her a favor' and explained to trim her toenails. 

I asked the other sister if I'd get in trouble for doing that or not, usually podiatry does this for diabetics. It's risky. She said I'd be the hero. Nobody wanted to trim the toenails. 

I dropped everything after work, and bought new trimmers, creams, soaking tub, salt and vinegar--my colleagues at work told me how to do it, how to soften the nails, to trim straight across. I spent seventy dollars...

I got there, and realized that her legs were open sores from venous insufficiency. and bandaged. I couldn't soak more than the soles of the feet. And her caregiver who washes her came. I had to wait.

I had gloves on, and used alcohol to wipe the trimmers, and got to work. She was grateful. It was hard, the lighting was poor, I couldn't see, and the nails were shaped like U upside down. I had to get the trimmer lined up and slide it along the nail nip by nip. 

We agreed that would be my job and I'd come back every month. 

The nurse the next day noticed and was pleased with the work. 

I find physical movement helps a lot with the grief process. I get Anthony and me walking. Around the neighborhood. By the beach. The other night Ross suggested we go to the beach to say goodbye to mom. We did. It helped to verbalize a goodbye when in that clinical situation we couldn't. 

I still haven't heard from mom.

Oh well. 

Ross nods and acknowledges you.  He is still very quiet.

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Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The couple

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Heavenly Intervention


Yesterday was perhaps the most unusual first call day I have ever had. My heart sank when I saw the scheduled cases stretching out well until eleven p.m., and that was without the add-on cases. I didn't allow myself to dwell in those feelings. I just did the work as it arrived to me to the best of my abilities. 

Our heat wave made itself known in the Operating Room. There is one thing that can cancel surgery, or delay it, and nobody can say anything about it:  the temperature and humidity specifications of the room.  When outside a certain range, surgery is not safe or permitted. We have to wait.

So, I had two hours delay, which gave me ample time for lunch. 

I saw a case in the long room suddenly disappear! (the patient didn't feel well, and cancelled)

Then I saw that all rooms were going to have power shut off between nine and eleven p.m., for some maintenance. 

All the cases finished around the same time. I was sleepy. I was going to go to the call room, but I met a friend who was on OB, and she said, 'have a nice drive home'.

I slept all night.

I had meals from the hospital. 

We even did our Bible Study at home!

Ross and I know that yesterday's information was highly disturbing. 

Today we are going to explain to you why the dark ones abuse children so. 

A lot of it has to do with this Bible passage:  Matthew 18:5 on children

Children are blessed by Jesus, and he encourages us to welcome them as if we were welcoming him.

Well the dark ones don't like him, or anything he says.

So they do horrible things.

There are energetic reasons too, if you are interested we will provide this information which is very dense as a P.S. at the end.

Remember whenever two or more are gathered in His name, God is present. 

They don't like it, the ASSC, when we assemble, and when we pray. 

Let's irritate them, now, together, shall we?

Dear Heavenly Creator,

Our love for you is great, our love for you is strong, and with courage we go through our days.
Help us to anchor the Light and the vibrations of Heaven everywhere we go.
Thank you for allowing us our place in battle, vibrationally we carry LOVE and at once this both shatters the old and reinforces the NEW grids of Light on surface Gaia.
We thank you for our opportunity to help create Heaven on Earth, with our hearts, and with our souls, and with our daily meditation, in daily activities, and in our hopes and dreams we envision what is Good permanently entering our Reality, day by day.
Our guides gently are here beside us. We thank you for their sincerity and loyalty to the cause, and for their spiritual protection of us.
In this we pray,

Last night while I was talking with a friend, she said that our boss had cut her back from eight OB calls to six, saying that the new people needed more work. She has taught before, and she knows that these are new hires fresh out of school, they are very green. She questions his decision, quietly, but when he says what affects her income and livelihood, she just says, 'okay' and doesn't argue.

She shared with me that she was doing a favor for him, working post-call OB at another place, when a person who is of the same heritage and social community as both of them, at the other place, had a stroke. He woke up with a big headache and lost the ability to move half of his body.  He couldn't free her to go since he was assigned to follow her. So she couldn't go cover as promised. Our boss KNOWS this man who had the stroke. But he still gave her a hard time for not coming. 

She said that sometimes he only thinks about one thing and doesn't make exceptions...that is his way.

When I told her of working half time, she reminded me of when my hours were cut the last time, and how I ended up working almost every day anyway. She reminded me of the bible where it says the sparrows know how to eat and don't worry, they have their feathers too, as clothing...

It resonates as true in my heart.


Everything is happening on time for the Awakening. Many of you realize things you see aren't what they seem, and after listening to yesterday's one hour video, are able to enjoy the show. 

Everything happens at its own pace, including the awakening of others.

I want you to both appreciate the evil that is present currently on the planet, yet at the same time, almost simultaneously, to understand and have compassion for the pedophiles and the satanists because many are born into the system of abuse used by the ASSC to control the planet.

They are on the way out.

I want you to defend and protect the children within your own sphere of influence. Do not get yourself kicked off of social media for it. 

Walk in the middle, just under the radar. This is where you will be most effective in your goal.

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Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The Illuminated Twin Flames

P.S. Here is the article, which has many of the points right but not everything, there is still a little distortion through the earth-time lens of the author:

Friday, August 14, 2020

Moving Imperceptably Forward


I'm okay.

I've been struggling with my lessons.

It's always about being called to service, and not being able to rest.

Yesterday I drove to do my mom a favor, after work, she needed help trimming her toenails and asked me. 

It wasn't easy, they were thick and curled. I could barely see in the light. I did my best, and she was happy.

Remember  how I drove home and to work twice the other day? It's kind of the same thing yesterday, because my work is in the middle of our two homes. 

I've been in shock, emotionally, for three days, because of a code blue I witnessed during a c section. Everything turned out well, the mother went home with the baby yesterday, the surgeon said. The skin tone, the drama, the thinking with all of my medical knowledge that this patient was going to die, the panic on the part of my just hit me like nothing ever has emotionally in my career, and I've seen a lot. 

So yesterday when I got home, I stopped by two stores looking for a small set of drawers to put in the closet for my Marie Kondo. I didn't see anything I liked but it was at least something to move forward.

I had a nice long talk on the phone with my sister. 

Earlier I'd went for a swim.

Today I'm tired but I feel like myself.

Anthony comes home today from his father's too.

Spirit wants me to share this link with you:  another view--a long BitChute film that's well done

I watched it in two chunks. It's very good. It helps connect the dots and give some answers. Like with anything, I'm always a little skeptical of parts, but looking for the nuggets of truth and the research in this one is phenomenal.  And yes, he calls his wife Colleen, 'Colliwog' why I don't know, but that's what he's saying.

Keep up with your meditations, prayers, and study. It will sustain you. 

Be strong.

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Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The Couple who are Illuminated Twins in Spirit

Thursday, August 13, 2020

At A Crossroads


Good morning!

The day before yesterday, I asked Ross for a new job.

The old one isn't so good these days.

And in retaliation, after stepping up to the plate and working full time for six months while we were short-staffed, I was informed yesterday that once the new hires arrive I will go back to sixty percent time, possibly 'fifty percent' along with one other coworker because we don't take OB call.

I won't go into the details.

If I continue straight in the path, I'll have long hours away from home, I'll stay with people I know, and I'll be juggling and rushing through life. My mornings as of late have been extremely rushed, with me eating in the car or skipping breakfast in order not to be late. There will be politics, and the end of my tenure with my group will be decided for me by others who make all the decisions like they have always done. My friend and I were not given opportunity to work full time, I've been there ten years! The new hires will have more work than us. 

If I follow my heart, I will find a way to work from home. Lately I've been thrilled and delighted because I'm going through the Marie Kondo program. I'm almost done with clothes, and it's really exciting. Why? Because by holding an item near your heart center, and asking if it sparks joy, you are checking for resonance with your energy of today.  And by thanking things which no longer spark joy, you let them go, and are surrounded by things which only increase your joyful vibration. 

In my request for a new job I wanted one where I was able to get a good night's sleep every night, in my own bed. 

Recently I saw a side of myself I haven't seen in a long time.  I had finished a difficult night at work. My cases were ending, Anthony and I were making plans for dinner and for me to come home, when another case added on. It wasn't an emergency. It never is. The surgeon wants to operate. Thankfully he did it open but it took two hours. By completion I couldn't drive, I needed to stay in the call room. There was a horrible code blue a colleague of mine was involved in, I went to help, and what I saw really disturbed me deeply to my core. The blue patient, the panicking. I helped get the patient back, and everything ended well. But the way the schedule was, I was on deck to be called in. During the day. Anthony had requested breakfast from a local restaurant by my work. I had just ordered the food, paid, and while I was in the restroom I got multiple texts and calls. I couldn't juggle the phone. So I called the most recent one, and an RN asked me to come back in to work because my boss made a mistake with the schedule and put someone in two places at one time. 

There was no discussion of how long or short the day would be. I didn't know what to do with the food. I was falling apart emotionally. 

The worker at the restaurant, Vietnamese, watched me intently as she was seeing a part of the hospital life that people rarely see.

I said I hate it, I hate it! to my friend, the nurse. She said that I need to have boundaries, and to say NO. I did.

Well, that didn't go over well with my boss.

But I DID take the food, drive home, wake up Anthony, hug him and hold him, and start crying in agony as I had to go back to work. 

Anthony, bless him, reminded me to 'be professional'. I got my composure. I was supposed to take him to two appointments and we came up with a plan, just in case.

I drove back to work a robot.

The GI doctor in the surgery center was uncompromising and unkind. 

I knew my boss could switch and trade, and he did. I arrived at nine for the eight thirty case, and was told to report at TEN for a ten-thirty cardioversion in ICU. I checked. I double checked. The patient had already converted over the night to normal sinus rhythm on the amiodarone drip! Case was cancelled.

I watched my email and deleted things, waiting for an eleven thirty GI case in the Main OR. But I was relieved.


No compensation.

Feeling and knowing in my bones I am nothing more than a fucking slave to my boss, and my needs don't exist, and I have no rights. 

Getting retaliation for that yesterday from my boss, with my hours being cut. He wanted me to 'sit down' and 'hear it from him'. 

This is the one who takes the best assignments, day after day, the best ones from each room, and moves around like a king taking what he wants. 

The last path, and the most likely one I'll take, is God's plan. My bible study last night showed me that I was like Mordecai, and I didn't bow to Haman--my service is to my family, and I had to honor it in order to function.  Could I have asked the restaurant to hold the food? Could I have gone across the street back to the hospital and done one case? Sure. But not knowing what was asked of me, and giving my whole day had me distraught in a big way. 

I'm a mom.

I had to see my home. 

I'm only human.

Now it's time for breakfast. I don't want to rush. I'm back at the surgery center again. I'm dressed, showered, and makeup is on. I have on a new fragrance today, it's a little exciting--a sample but I love fragrance. 

Ross is supporting me, not making me decide anything, but the energy downloads are coming, and I got a nice call from our cousin Andy B. too. Ross takes care of his family.

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Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The Twins