Ross wanted me to write.
I'm on call, but another colleague is working for me until about eleven in the morning. I am most thankful for this.
My days have passed returning to work (two long days in a row, Thursday, and Friday, which except for the tissue boxes on my anesthesia machine and kindness from my coworkers, there's no difference from before mom's transition)... Anthony left to visit his father for the weekend...and I have been holding down the fort.
My expectations of myself are very low. I just wanted to plant some plants into the ground around sunset when it was cool for the plants, and I did. I'm very happy with the half oak barrel I planted with lemongrass, tarragon, artichoke, cilantro, catnip, and shasta daisies in it. It looks accidental on purpose and the colors and textures and heights are pleasing to the eye.
I've spoken on the phone with friends. I'm not much of a talker. My mom was. I enjoy a short phone call every now and then. But I hate to talk when there's dishes in the sink and things to do.
Many have sent bouquets and plants. We have an orchid, a gardenia, and a prayer plant. The note with the gardenia said that she can't pass by a plant without thinking of my mom, and it's true, I can't pass by one either...I almost cried.
I spent time in the pool because water is very soothing.
Yesterday after work--stressful over only one case--there was a scheduling error and a very angry gastroenterologist to manage--I went to the garden shop. In my scrubs and cap, it's a great way to social distance, people avoid you like the plague. Then I did drive thru for Arby's roast beef sandwiches. We don't eat beef. Haven't for years, ever since we saw a beautiful beef cow that was suffering at the county fair. But this was the last of the last of mom's 'places'. The one by her house turned into a Starbucks. But the one here by us, well, it's still open. And for some reason Ross insisted on a Jamocha shake, so I got that too.
Now I'm ready for normal food.
I've spent lots of time with Ross. Lots and lots. He's been by my side. He has reasons for things, that I don't understand, but I trust him in the mom department. It was time. That's it. And the rest is healing and resting.
I took a nap yesterday on the couch. I slept in. And went to bed early. I was called in during the night and didn't hear the phone I was so sleepy from eight thirty to eleven thirty. The bird actually woke me up. And I saw the text on my phone and was like OMG!
There's a urologist who every case is an emergency for him, even when it isn't, and he won't wait and always makes the backup teams come in for his patient. He ended up bumping a different surgeon and it all worked out.
I'll probably hear from my boss about it. I don't know how I couldn't hear the phone. But I didn't. I think my soul was someplace else, if you ask me.
My dinner was just Hatch Chili popcorn, corn chowder, and a large cup of Aveda herbal tea.
Fortunately after today, I'm not on call any weekend in September, not even a Friday. And there's lots and lots of days off because our new people started.
Have I heard from my mother from the other side? No. And I don't expect to hear from her. There's reasons. I was was a good daughter, but not a favorite, and that's okay. It is what it is. I know she loved me. And she has lots to do. There is a huge relief because after twenty one years of her health bringing her to death's door multiple times, this was the last. It's a lot of pressure, especially on a medical family member, to keep up with the care and the visits and making sure everything is okay.
Here is an example of the pressure on a medical person. I know a couple of doctors who are married. Both operate. But his is more internal medicine based training, and hers was general surgery/trauma surgery training. His father had a massive heart attack while on vacation in Copenhagen. He was in their hospital. He packed his things and flew out there. The wife said to transfer him to a 'real hospital' like in London ASAP and get him out of that little one. He didn't. He spoke with the cardiologist who was very nice, and wanted to do a stress test.
The wife was like, 'HE ALREADY FAILED A STRESS TEST, he needs to get a cardiac bypass surgery if he is to live!' (right? massive myocardial infarction--supply is inadequate for demand--he needs reperfusion STAT).
But the husband let the cardiologist do the stress test with the father riding a bicycle. And he made it through the stress test. Then went back to his room, and promptly died in the bed!
If you're not medical, you take the cardiologist for his word, and don't realize there could be other plans of care, better ones, and just say, 'it was his time'. But is you are medical, your training is with you 24/7, 365, and you can't override it. No matter what anyone says.
Now I'd like to get ready for my day. There are dishes to wash, loads of laundry to do, before I leave for the hospital. And perhaps some quiet time too, but I've been talking lots with Ross. And he talks with you through John Smallman today too (latest blog post).
Grief is probably the most personal thing to go through in this world, spiritually and physically and emotionally, besides Ascension. I'm taking the time I need, and also, the time I need to make sure Anthony is doing okay, so that we let the process take its course. It's when you rush it that long-term effects happen.
We also are thankful for two bouquets with sunflowers and white roses, identical ones, sent through 1-800-flowers. These don't have any notes attached. We don't know who sent them. But we are grateful for sure.
Ross nods and smiles. He's very content and happy, I can tell. I know I had a lesson (he was quiet) and it's time to gather myself before the next lesson, and he's very very near. I think I did well on this one (he says I aced it). Perhaps that's why he seems proud of me and pleased.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
