This is what I look like to you...more or less...I look human.
Most humans on the planet are limited by the Veil. They have only their physical senses, what they have been taught, and absolutely no memory of their past lives.
I have a constant connection to both my past, and to the spirit realms. They are just as real to me as the grass growing outside and the trees.
Recently I have been going through a dark night of the soul. And also, poor physical health. I am always on the edge of getting sick, never really having good health. Yesterday it was a splitting headache and a wicked, wicked sore throat.
I took my temperature and oxygen saturation. Although I'm exposed at my work to the Covid 19, the clinical picture didn't match, and I considered myself lucky.
I can't point to any one thing, although I have become increasingly uncomfortable with my PTSD with the events as of late. I see things. I post things. People who are totally asleep respond with anger and with little or no respect to my heart.
I know it's part of the assignment, being 'out there' to help those who want to awaken, awaken. For every one that does, there are ten who are deeply asleep, and they are nasty, just plain nasty, and you can tell whose influence is filling them and making them go--the ASSC they have swallowed hook, line and sinker.
I wish I could explain what it was that led to this dark night of the soul. It's in the realm of Spirit, there's no logical sequence or order. It's more like a certain combinations of buttons were pressed and BOOM!
I was in such pain that I was asking Divine Father to let my soul die. And I meant it!
As a Seraphim it is just one step from being finished and merging with Divine Creator, and I could sense the delicious wonder of not being any more, and just floating in the soul soup, being one with Source.
He asked me why I wanted this.
I told him my wounds were so deep in my soul, they couldn't be fixed. And if I were to go back with Ross he would cheat on me again, and nobody would want me except to rape me anyhow. Just like back in the day.
What you see is a soul, mine, who looked to Ross the very same exact way I looked to Creator--with a totally open heart and sacred love for him.
With Ross' mistakes, my soul interpreted it as rejection from God.
So with God, being everywhere and everything, and the pain, the terrible agony of rejection from God, the wound created was so deep, and has caused me so much trouble for so many incarnations, I just wanted to give up.
It's like you gloss over the problems, but they keep coming back up.
That's when Creator started speaking to me through others. Creator Writings said to remember the overlay of the past, take a deep breath, and look at today. Well, today, Ross has been very good and kind to me, on the up and up, and never caused me that kind of pain.
Hope Johnson shared about jealousy. It's a deep belief that you are not enough.
That pointed me into the direction of the terrible neglect and abuse I received at the hands of Carrie, the Hungarian babysitter who was so alcoholic I stayed in my crib, soiled and hungry, for hours and hours, realizing no matter how much I cried, how much noise I made, how I even learned HUNGARIAN just to get this drunkard to respond!--my needs didn't matter, I didn't matter, why speak up, why make a scene, just suck it up and wait until the abuse ends and I get to go home. There's a time limit to it.
In a way, in my here and now, I've been basically counting the hours until Ascension is over and I can go home.
Work is crazy. It's a real crazy-maker out there because of the Covid. The pressure to do cases and make money is being pushed forward by both the surgeons and the administration. There is lip service to safety of the workers, but that's about it. We have PPE. Our equipment isn't like it used to be. It's cheaper versions due to shortages. At the surgery center, which doesn't have PAPRS, they started with mandatory covid testing on all patients, THREE DAYS AHEAD OF TIME. Now the emergency cases are coming up. Ones with no testing. Sure they take the temperature to get into the building...but no actual test.
They don't have the xenon flashing robot to terminal clean the room. They don't have the negative pressure system for the airflow like at the hospital. You just have to take your chances and hope in that setting that the patient wasn't sick.
So, all of these buttons are being pushed, including being called a racist by not only some angry readers who I have absolutely no connection to emotionally--they aren't people I know -- but by some friends in real life.
It's been about a week of really hard times for my soul, not knowing where to turn, and feeling like I'm sick...
Raziel called me to him, last night.
I was so grateful.
He told me he picks me.
It made all the difference in the world.
I've also been doing work on the Spirit side making peace with another, who my heart picked. That one was an important first for my soul--so many things are arranged for me. It is slow but important progress to help piece my soul back together.
Ross, now I can see him again, without pain, gently promised that if I allowed it, he would make it up to me.
The last thing he said, is that if he ever wanted to go experience someone else (it was his words in John Smallman about why be jealous and compare yourself to others when you're all beautiful flowers or something is what really sent me off the deep end--that's like what cheaters say to validate their actions--why should I just limit myself to one?--right?)--I would know and I would have to give my permission. There would be no nasty surprises like the last time. And he's not planning on even doing anything like that for a long time. But with eternity being what it is...
So, I feel better.
When things went wrong with the one my heart picked, I learned to honor my self-respect, my dignity, and to set boundaries when things weren't okay.
There are always lessons.
And now I move forward to lessons of reconciliation, and seeing how my heart works again.
Ross did a very beautiful healing to my heart, which was really with a big gash in it, my spirit heart, the part of me that loves--that part where I felt rejected by him and Creator. He put something in the crack that's whiter than white, it's like gluing the parts together, and it's a piece of his very own soul he used to heal me. So the healing glows, and it's Ross himself there who is making my being alive possible.
And I never would have even had the opportunity, if Raziel hadn't intervened, and let me know how much he cares.
The deep work is important.
You can't move forward until it heals.
Everything happens for a reason.
Earth walk isn't fun at all, but the other day, Ross said that Ascension/the changes would be fun for me. Lots of fun. I still don't see the connection.
I've been watching the 'show'--all the stuff going on. I'm not enjoying it because Gaia is on the line, and the ASSC is giving it everything they've got.
God wins. I've heard that again and again.
And I pray for it to be soon.
Ross doesn't have anything to add, except he's glad everything is on the mend.
He is a beautiful soul, a wonderful person, and I know he never intended to hurt me. It just was one of those things. It was one of those things with all of the hearts who have cause me pain. I'm sure they have pain of their own too.
It's not easy being born under the sign of the moon. You feel things so much more intensely with the emotions, and sometimes, more often than not, you feel powerless to change them for the better.
Today is much much better. I will rest and give my body the time it needs to heal.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Twin Souls