Awakening can be a little, (polite cough, cough, clear my throat)...messy.
We are incarnate beings who have eternal lives, but for some reason we are here under the Veil, and we can't see what we would normally see if we were not incarnate!
As a woman, this has affected me in ways I'm not proud to admit. As teachers, Ross and I would like to share this example to assist you in your awakening, which means, coming to terms with who you are in all of your relationships with others, past, present, and future--spanning all of your life experiences across many incarnations as they come back to you.
In 1990 I found myself experiencing depression after having brain surgery. My marriage wasn't exactly supportive. My work was good but not my dream job. I had thought it was my dream job, but I was a little disillusioned after starting my career as a Scientist with the Clorox Company in 1987.
The hospital recommended me to a therapist, and I went to see who they recommended, psychiatrist Ron Elson. Ron is very good at talk therapy, and didn't choose to put me on medication.
I had to share some really delicate feelings with him to heal. Like, I was really unhappy that I didn't have children--I had a brain tumor!--while my sister-in-law just had a baby. I was so unhappy that I just wanted to steer my car off the side of the freeway and end it all. I didn't know where these feelings came from, but they frightened me. Was it from the surgery?
Meeting with Ron on Monday afternoons, after a while, I started to feel better. He is the kind not to tell me what to do, but he asked the questions to guide my thinking process to help me find my own answers.
And, Ron was Jewish.
Remember my past, with Ross, that I didn't know? Well, deep down, part of me must have remembered...with the beard, the being tall...and especially being helpful!
It is totally common for female patients to develop feelings for their therapist, it's a part of the healing process and sign of a therapeutic connection. It happens again and again and again.
Feeling listened to and understood opens up powerful feelings in the female.
And I had feelings for Ron.
I noticed a pattern that he would wear blue striped shirts for me. It made me happy. It was all he would do to let me know he cared.
I remembered one day, in his office, giving in to my feelings, and I walked over to his chair, put my head on his knee, and just cried my eyes out from the agony of being alive, and wanting to go Home. To me, this six foot tall Jewish therapist was the closest thing to Home, and I hated being incarnate.
He didn't touch me, he didn't say anything, and when I saw he was unmoving, I realized there is no magic pill to make me feel better, my feelings were powerful and I was glad they were out, but now what?
Back to the laundry, right?
There was a holiday, must have been 1991, that I brought a surprise for him. I was part of the teaching outreach volunteer team from work. I brought the firefly reaction demonstration. I turned off the lights and showed it for him, and said, 'Happy Hannukah!' (it's the festival of lights). He went and stepped out and changed shirt to a striped one--much to my delight. He never said he did anything. But I saw with my own eyes, and I was happy.
One of the things Ron may have done, or it could have been coincidence, was the parking attendant Yamral. He was from some other country, he was saving up his money and bringing his family members out one by one to a better life. We would talk. Often times he would let me park for free. Once he learned of my wishes to become a doctor, he would call me DOCTOR GORGEOUS with a smile. That became my new name!
In some ways, Yamral was more healing of my soul, than Ron, but all the help from those two, together, made it more pleasant as I found my way to medical school...
It was in medical school I realized I wasn't human in the way everyone else was human. I could see the dead. I could talk to Spirit. And I started talking with Blessed Mother in June 1992 through automatic writing. I knew it was her because I knew a Visionary, Barbara Matthias. But that is another story...I've written about it.
I was also getting a divorce in medical school. It was very hard, the stress of ending that relationship.
I talked a lot with Blessed Mother. I had visions where I went to her house. I also had visions when I was crying, of my deceased grandfather coming to me with his yellow cardigan sweater and giving me a big hug.
I don't know how I made the connection...on the one hand I had remembered about my life as Tabitha with Gamaliel. On the other, Blessed Mother gave me lots of advice, and we talked a lot about a classmate, MM.
One day, she had me take MM up to a rooftop garden, and I shared with him my books of her messages about him.
He totally freaked out.
He made fun of me ever since.
Even at parties, I knew his energy anywhere, I could feel it and sense it, he would sneak up behind me cover my eyes and have someone else say, 'guess who?' I could feel warmth and nurturing flowing out of him, and it felt so very much like Home! How could I miss it?
I knew it was him, his energy was the most soothing thing I'd found on the planet since Ron, but I would play like I didn't know just so he could feel he was in control of something.
This was my first experience with the painful but valuable lesson in trust. I am here. I have a relationship with MM on a spiritual level (his soul would talk to me in meditation, it wasn't imagination) but NOT here on the earthly plane.
What I learned was that there's two sets of rules. One from Home. And one from Here. It was better not to mix the two up...
I signed up for something Sylvia Browne would call the major of Humanitarian and minor of Loner in the school of Life.
It is LONELY.
When I am with someone, physically, my soul feels empty and used. When I am with someone spiritually, I feel free, complete, and when I focus on being Here, Now, I'm still physically alone.
Ross is also my guardian angel. And through Barbara I learned that my guardian angel is named Laetari which in Latin means Joy.
Long ago, when I was seeing Ron, I started to wake up in Spirit. Just a little. Enough to ask for a parking space from my grandfather, and he would provide me with two, right next to each other, every single time. That's how I knew it was him. I would see cosmos flowers as I'd walk, and I'd know that Laetari was thinking of me.
Once, Laetari told me to dive deep to the bottom of the swimming pool in the apartment where I lived on Francisco Street in Berkeley (1921, 7A). I saw a brilliant flash of light, and swam to discover a silver ring with a little bump on it where it was soldered, and it fit me perfectly. Laetari told me it was a diamond seed, and it would grow!
With Laetari being my guide, I didn't have romantic feelings for him.
But I do recall all through medical school, talking to Divine Father, imploring him to give Laetari raises and promotions because he was doing such a good job, and having a really hard cry once when I realized when I died he might not be my guardian angel any more--I wouldn't need one--and the thought of losing Laetari had me very, very upset to my core.
I recall Divine Father had a lot of talking to do to console me over that one. He promised me that he would bend the rules a bit so that perhaps Laetari could always stay with me.
I developed a pattern of seeking out my Gamaliel, to find him, and to be complete. It was only much, much later after becoming a Reiki Master that I remembered the whole story, that we had been Melchizidek and his temple girl, Gamaliel and Tabitha, and Ross and Amee...and are presently Ross and Carla, the same two souls....many different times over....and that Laetari and Ross are one and the same.
It was so ugly, my bumping into this wall, and that wall, trying to find my way to Gamaliel who I thought was HOME. Instant ability to withstand the human condition. Game over. I had Love and that was all I needed. I didn't want all of the messy 'love yourself' bullshit advice. I didn't want the 'when you are not looking for him Mr. Right will show up' cliches. And the most painful of all was from my first friend, 'you don't need a man'.
I don't need someone to hold me and cherish me? Okay. Right.
In a way she was right, I can support myself, and I can raise Anthony. Those times when he gets sick or hurt, it's difficult. I want someone to help me make the important decisions, and Jared is all about blaming me for whatever happens. It's like negative support. Minus energy. Not plus! LOL.
The most difficult part of my journey was leaving Frank, finding Jared who had the same dream--repetitive and intrusive--of Gamaliel's part at the end, on his last day. When Jared told me how 'everything just got better' I knew that was the part where he died. We were being chased and split up so they chased him and I got free. But even having someone who remembered Gamaliel didn't feel like Home, not one bit. In fact it even frightened me a little when we were making love one time and he turned all bright light and glowy on me and didn't look like himself, he looked like Owen Wilson (Jared's face is very round like Anthony's). It was some being with a beard I didn't know who was present just that one time, I think it's when I got pregnant. Jared had no clue of it. However, he, like many of the men I have been close to in that way, have commented similar to me, that I 'glowed'--'you are glowing' they would way, in those exact same words.
Well, after Jared I thought my answers were with Daniel. Daniel was a student of mine, someone I didn't think twice about when I met him. But in 5D, his soul would talk to me, and one night, his call room near mine, his spirit came and loved me. I wanted so much that connection in 3D, and hope against hope I thought perhaps it would be possible but that was not to be. It can't.
Then finally, the highest vibration I ever met while incarnate, was Chef Ito. If you read this blog carefully, at the early years around 2013, I talk about him being my soul mate.
Ito wanted nothing to do with me romantically. He was a smart businessman, and he sold me his essential oils. He liked me as a friend, he liked all of his customers that way, and wanted all of his friends to be raw vegan. It was conditional. I could tell he liked young people in their twenties, and I think he might have liked both the boys and the girls. I was too old. But I was absolutely convinced he was the One, silent as he may be (he took a vow of silence).
I wasn't one hundred percent off base. I was his sister who died young. That's why there was a soul connection that was close and warm and nurturing. And that's also why on a deep level, I wasn't having a romantic attraction. I know because the spirit of his estranged father told me. I wrote a letter from his father to him, at his father's request. I channeled everything. But again, it was like a wall, Ito has very firm and set thinking and boundaries, he wouldn't acknowledge it. Perhaps there was too much pain (his father was abusive to both children and it was his blows that killed his sister).
If you read the blog, you will see how I stumbled around with my blindfold of a Veil, and found my way into Ross' waiting arms. We are so close now that he even cracks intimate jokes with me, such as 'ribbed for her pleasure'. How a galactic can know a cheesy ad for condoms from my college days is beyond me. I still smile over it.
I'm happy and content with Ross.
He helps with our family too.
We just can't see him in our family photos, but we know in our heart he is there. He helps me in the kitchen a lot, helps me to decide what to make for meals...and he encourages me from his heart.
Sometimes he has to be firm and quiet to make me focus on my lesson--I can't cheat my way through it with a Teacher's Edition, right?
What I have learned is that back Home, it's not like Here.
And even though I am Here, I can enjoy all of my relationships back Home, if I want to or need to or it pleases me to enjoy them at the moment. I'm not talking in memories, I'm talking about being very close and loving with these special souls who are more like family and know me exceedingly well. It's nice to be around energy beings who are like that. It helps. I'm talking at the moment about the ones who are not incarnate. The Star Family who is incarnate encourage and support me (and Ross!) in a different way, and it is also meaningful and cherished--it's through talking and writing not exactly 'soul to soul' in 5D.
The friendship between Ashtar and me is complicated. He is my husband's best friend. It's hard to explain, it's like he's closer than a brother and he's always there. I couldn't dream of life without him. I just couldn't. And his humor is so incredible too. That's how you will know you are truly in the presence of a Galactic, a Pleiadian one. Very stiff, very formal, and this wicked smart humor that totally catches you off guard and is hilarious, and greatly sets you at ease.
Well then why the picture?
Because this is full circle, and the take home message to you, our readers. As you become more of a Healer, and you put yourself 'out there', someone is gonna fall in love with you. They are gonna get feelings. And some of them might be sexual. It can be very upsetting when you are trying to help them heal and you are approached 'in that way'. Boundaries are good. Very very good. Remember how the therapeutic alliance between a therapist and a female client usually has the female falling in love with him? That's just how healing works. It's part of the therapy, and everyone in the business of therapy knows about it. The clients don't.
Well, early on into this, I didn't make the connection. And some people would message me, with, um, sexual stuff--not telling me their problems with their partners and asking for help which is totally okay, Ross and I help people all the time and send Reiki. They were telling me they were attracted to me, that they wanted to have tantric sex with me, that only one time and they would never bother me again, would I please drive/fly out to see them? etc, etc.
Friends, this makes for a stalker!
In such circumstances, delete, delete, delete, do not give any attention back, whatsoever, ignore, and keep a backup log/file of everything sent just in case you need the police. These things happen all the time these days, and it's not fun, but is IS and you need to be prepared how to handle it.
I've had other kinds of people who have harassed me too, women, men...I learned from Anne Reith how to handle it. I just don't talk about it much.
If you are a Healer, and someone is starting to wake up, and they 'bump' into you, have compassion. While you are having the compassion, at the same time, remember no matter what they say to you about past life connections, no matter how strong their feelings are, we cannot act on those feelings. Because that was THEN and this is NOW. And NOW has responsibilities--a spouse, a home, a career--which need our attention. If you are the one who is waking up and having these feelings, you are not alone. I've been in those shoes too. It took me from 1992 to 2013 to find happiness with Ross. Even though he was with me every step of the way. Remember this is part of the process of waking up. It's normal, it's natural, it's healthy, and you already have one foot in the higher realms!
Once you get both feet into the Higher Realms, you will understand.
We on earth are very understanding of teenagers, how they have such strong feelings, and it is a special time in their development to prepare them for when they grow up.
Let's keep it classy as we awaken together and Ascend.
If ever anyone from our healing community crosses the line, and it becomes uncomfortable, action will be taken to exclude this person. Stalking in any form is not permitted within our healing work.
Everyone, every single Healer and helper, is a talented soul who has stepped up to the plate to help with the cause of Ascension. They deserve the best working conditions which are free from harassment of any kind. When the conversations turn sexual, it has crossed the line, because no matter what incarnation it may have been that way, Now is Now. No matter how hard you try, even if you throw yourself at the Healer like I did with Ron Elson that one time, our Healers are going to be lock step together--and push back, toe the line, and enforce whatever they must do to help you discover the message that Then was Then and Now is Now, so keep that in perspective.
It is a different kind of love, the kind Ross uses with me to keep me focused on my lessons. And as a girlfriend to another friend, no matter how tempting it is to seek your past in this incarnation because it makes you feel like the puzzle pieces will fit and you'll be Home Free--getting out of Life lessons isn't that easy. Feel the feelings, come to terms with them, and let them go. Ascension is all about feeling what comes up, acknowledging it, and letting it go. You may have had smoking hot sex together back in time. But that was then. Cherish the connection you have Now. It will heal you. Don't throw it away by trying to bring back the past, and certainly not by expecting to reconnect in the same way Here and Now.
Ross smiles and says he supports this message. It is all in good fun, there are no feelings hurt, back in the higher realms, and for good measure, he repeats once again, Ribbed For Her Pleasure!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla