I have been blogging now for sixteen years. I learned Reiki and absorbed its energy as if my life depended on it. With excitement I brought my new skills as a healer into the workplace of allopathic medicine.
There have been ups and downs throughout. There were times when I had great anger! I was upset with my teams, my Higher Self, and once I got to realize who he was, my Twin. I spoke outbursts at my Council meetings. With bravado I said, 'Bring It On!' for the changes which would lead to awakening and Ascension.
I attended Cobra conventions, networked with other healers, and joyously expected the Great Awakening...which has not yet happened.
As a single mother I raised my son with minimal financial help from the father, some shoes, clothing, and half of the copayment for wisdom tooth surgery. I have bought a car, paid for private school, and housing/tuition. I embraced this job with all my heart, and did my very best to be the 'stable parent'.
But now the house is quiet.
I work as much as I can, and enjoy the mastery of my profession, including the layer of energy healing I have worked so hard to bring to the work setting.
I ache over being single. I always have had this nagging feeling of wanting to 'do it right' and have another chance with relationship here on the human plane. I remember the shock at forty how the dating apps matched me with grandfathers, and the horror of the realization that most were dating for selfish reasons summed up as 'a nurse or a purse'.
That was before my son.
On questioning, and Ross is very good at questioning, I realized I feel responsible for his death, and for how things went south between us prior to his leaving his physical body back in the day. I tried with all my might to sway him from his destruction. I felt like I must have been a bad wife. I wouldn't call it 'survivor guilt' exactly. Quite the opposite, I felt like I drove him to it.
I know these thirteen years since I've had connection with Ross, he's had lots of guidance and training just to interact with me. I know the very best of the best healers are giving input. There was a request from me to have someone who I can share my day with and ask 'how was your day?' because where Ross is there is no time. That request was granted. I helps me with accountability, with feeling and sharing my emotions, and healing my self-esteem. I had to heal on my own as a person, so that the outspoken soul I am is also as outspoken here in my body. I am especially grateful for the love and support of our friends who knew us back in the day, incarnated now with us, and are in touch.
As I realized my particular agony, my pain, I also found another layer of structure that would not have been apparent to me had I been happily in relationship. I recall the romance of songs from the fifties and sixties, beautiful songs that celebrate youth and joy and togetherness. It seems to have changed since then. And it is not my imagination. Those who 'steer and decide' had a population shortage after the war, World War Two. They needed to 'rebuild the colony'. As humanity was recovering, then small tweaks came into play, slowly over time...birth control, abortion, women working outside the home, divorce, split families, custody, and now not even knowing what gender is. Music isn't as beautiful and loving as it once was.
I remember how intelligent the people were who wrote my textbooks at school. The generation from the 1940's really gave a lot to us, the future. Now, I see a high school English teacher crying on social media because some of his seniors who are graduating can't write four words into the essay he so carefully set up for them to succeed.
Where do Ross and I go from here? I know and trust he is doing everything he can for my highest good. And for me, it all starts with acceptance. It will take time to process the pain and guilt that led me to choose my immediate past life and the ones before it. I know the Spiritual Battle is in our midst. Tonight I am refusing to go to the baseball game because of who is throwing out the first pitch. I don't need that kind of energy and I will not support it. Those opposing Divine Creator are inter-generational, subversive, calculating and cruel. The first approach against them led to great sorrow. But the setback was only that. Would I like to see justice and peace in my lifetime? Yes, of course! Absolutely. There has been radio silence for ages though. And I know that the media is controlled. So all I have to go on is the energies. Watching the people for their general state of spiritual health. And appreciating both Nature and my immediate environment/people.
Time heals if you do the work.
And besides my buried memory of trauma from when I was four, that emerged when I was twenty six, this even deeper hiding guilt from many lifetimes ago, it is on the path to healing.
Why share it?
Because the soul heart can carry wounds, and keep it hidden from us, it is a form of soul trauma 'PTSD" and when our soul is healthy and strong enough, it too can come up for healing.
Ross says I said it well, and I have said enough. He says to reach out to him for healing if you ever have a similar soul memory form of PTSD and help will be provided. You only have to make sure you do not distract yourself 24/7, make time to receive the healing with no interruptions for short sessions when time permits.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Doctors with Reiki Couple who lead
