I just saw a huge flock of crows fly past my window. They flew from the south to the north, from my left to my right.
My first thought when I saw them was that they could pick my entire fig tree clean in minutes if they landed on it!
My solar return is coming. I have been wrestling with feelings of not being myself, of feeling 'different' inside, and honestly, wondering a little if maybe a 'walk in' had happened without my being aware of it. Everything in my life has been at a standstill. All these changes at work and the contracts and new corporation that I built I am gradually letting go. I can't be certain if the changes are a sign of shock over all the cumulative challenges I had faced? Or is it something else?
You know when a baby is born premature, there is a period of 'catch up growth' and then after that no one can tell the difference between the premature one and the one born full term?
I think I caught up.
(More crows are flying...)
The thing about emotional neglect is that what feels 'normal' in your interactions with others, isn't normal at all. It is what felt comfortable because that is how it was when we were growing up at home. And as a high-masking, high-functioning autistic with most likely ADHD, the chasm to cross to discover my own soul, my own rights, my own needs, my own true happiness was vast. To be clear, the Spirit World made a lot more sense than the Physical one.
When you are removed from traumas and abuse, whether you are seeking it or not, the catch up growth happens. And as of the last huge chunk of time, I gave up trying to grow. I was always seeking knowledge, wanting to take courses, looking for insights...There comes a point where you can no longer intellectualize your personality. You have to embody it, to embrace it, and to discover all of your gifts.
Yesterday, a warm feeling, a glow, turned on like a light switch in my chest. It is the Unconditional Love. Walking the earth there are so many reasons to stomp out that little flame, if it ever flickered beyond infancy. Mine was stomped out for sure. But that warmth and life-sustaining energy feels like having a puppy deep inside your chest. It is happy, and thankful, and doesn't expect much. I wouldn't call it self-love, because that is a concept I don't really grasp fully. But when I call it my inner puppy, I realize that I can protect it and I will know what behaviors from others to accept and what ones to limit my exposure to because they are toxic to me. Maybe not to someone else, but to me.
I used to have down time and rest a lot, time to meditate. But life changes. I do a lot more chores and work , really fast-paced work in my practice, and the need to rest for rest''s sake supercedes the mystical rest part.
It has been two weeks away from my regular work. I spent a week and a day at my old job. It was wonderful to re-experience the connections with my surgeons and colleagues and staff. I felt younger because I had spent fifteen years in that Operating Room.
I had one day of scheduled fun. Where I spent a little money and splurged for myself and Anthony.
I had several afternoons of total frustration and shock. If anything could glitch officially it did--and I needed to straighten things out. I did a lot of laundry and chores too. Anthony is home, I enjoy cooking for us.
If you have not heard of the online survivor, Forrest Lang, and his Angel Blue Book story, if you have been through some life challenges, you might want to follow him. His message and the repetition of his message is to stick around, life gets better, and you grow up your abusers can't hurt you any more. He is honest about the self-harm, the addiction, the aftermath of experiencing childhood abuse. And even better, he helps to take away the shame. He says it wasn't your fault. It couldn't have been your fault. You were just a kid. You were innocent. It was the abuser's fault, not yours. I have really responded well to it. Just seeing his posts popping up on my feed. I don't listen to videos and I haven't read the book. I need the smaller doses.
I realize I am worthy of love.
I can see the love when I am a little late coming home and Anthony calls to check on me.
I can see the love in the other baseball fan's eyes when I go to the stadium for every game. Our team loses a lot, it's not easy being a fan. But in my section where I sit people get to know me.
I saw it in my neighbor's eyes when we ran into each other at the mailbox and I asked her how her skin looks so nice? She has a husband and a son and they don't like to listen to her skincare routine, but I gladly listened to her share.
Even with Ross, I can tell him what is okay and not okay. I can ask for things. We had a rough time of it our last incarnation. I know I am able to work out our incompatibilities and old conflicts now. I am going to speak up when in the past I didn't.
And with the world at large? I give thanks. There are a lot of changes out there politically. Kind of spiritual-philosophical-metaphysical connected like that movie National Treasure Anthony watched yesterday. I can't control any of it. The only thing I can control is my perception of the things that come my way, and I know giving thanks for things I want to see is a huge part of the solution. Ignoring things I don't want to see is also important--I deny them my energy. Instead I focus on chores and the garden and things at hand. I can't change the world except by sharing and by giving thanks.
Yesterday I was thrilled when I went on YouTube to turn on Aquarius Rising Africa/Soulutions with Chanti, and she had Cathy O'Brien on live! It did my soul good to see her, what a precious being, Cathy! She reaffirms that love is so strong. She is living proof of it.
Keep walking your path. Take a breather if you have been really working on your healing. It will come. I read somewhere that the traumatized child has a chronically inflamed brain and they are always on the lookout for someone to hurt or betray them. I would imagine that makes a lot of 'wiring' to 'rewire' which is very delicate. I know when Cathy was healing she had to wear a watch and journal a lot because she experienced gaps in time from her MK Ultra upbringing. She healed! It took Mark to help her but she did.
Give thanks for everything. All that you can.
I even give thanks for Father Rosetti. I did one of his online sessions he does for free, and I felt a huge difference. We must remember he is not spiritually sensitive, and yet with his training for the priesthood and subsequent calling to be an exorcist he has faced things you can't ignore even if you are not 'sensitive'. He works with people who are 'sensitive' and can see the creatures he is working with. He takes a very strong stand against all things New Age. He takes his role as a guide seriously, and he is not a gambler. he recommends by the book. And you know, I have to agree with him on his assessment that it's the 'wild west' out there in the world of Reiki. I saw an article about a Reiki Master finger a woman as part of healing (she called it like working out at the gym) --his wife knew, the author of the article watched. What the heck?!
If you are spiritually sensitive, you have your teams. They will call you. You are divinely protected and your mission is secure. You will know it when things happen like doors are opening and it will feel right, very right. When I learned Karuna Reiki it was like the ugly duckling finding the swans at last! I trust in my lineage, I know who my Reiki guides are personally, and I really really love Creator. The way I see it, the energy pathways in most people have gone 'dormant' and the right Reiki activation opens them up.
I would never talk to Father Rosetti about the white, grey and black popes. That would be cruel. He has his assignment and he is doing incredible work. Probably more important and far-reaching than anything I could ever do.
I don't want you to feel shame for being Spiritually sensitive, for responding to crystals, and for wanting to use your spiritual gifts.
Just know it is a jungle out there, lots of people can use spirituality to take advantage of others in so many ways, and dark forces are real not imagined and can pretend they are something beautiful and charming. Be careful. Be cautious. And never for a minute think you incapable of being tricked. Be humble. Be love. And always ask Creator to guide you with clarity and love so you cannot mistake your path!
clap! clap!
Ross would like to say a word but I took all the time for us today.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple who are always united in faith
