Good morning!
The day before yesterday, I asked Ross for a new job.
The old one isn't so good these days.
And in retaliation, after stepping up to the plate and working full time for six months while we were short-staffed, I was informed yesterday that once the new hires arrive I will go back to sixty percent time, possibly 'fifty percent' along with one other coworker because we don't take OB call.
I won't go into the details.
If I continue straight in the path, I'll have long hours away from home, I'll stay with people I know, and I'll be juggling and rushing through life. My mornings as of late have been extremely rushed, with me eating in the car or skipping breakfast in order not to be late. There will be politics, and the end of my tenure with my group will be decided for me by others who make all the decisions like they have always done. My friend and I were not given opportunity to work full time, I've been there ten years! The new hires will have more work than us.
If I follow my heart, I will find a way to work from home. Lately I've been thrilled and delighted because I'm going through the Marie Kondo program. I'm almost done with clothes, and it's really exciting. Why? Because by holding an item near your heart center, and asking if it sparks joy, you are checking for resonance with your energy of today. And by thanking things which no longer spark joy, you let them go, and are surrounded by things which only increase your joyful vibration.
In my request for a new job I wanted one where I was able to get a good night's sleep every night, in my own bed.
Recently I saw a side of myself I haven't seen in a long time. I had finished a difficult night at work. My cases were ending, Anthony and I were making plans for dinner and for me to come home, when another case added on. It wasn't an emergency. It never is. The surgeon wants to operate. Thankfully he did it open but it took two hours. By completion I couldn't drive, I needed to stay in the call room. There was a horrible code blue a colleague of mine was involved in, I went to help, and what I saw really disturbed me deeply to my core. The blue patient, the panicking. I helped get the patient back, and everything ended well. But the way the schedule was, I was on deck to be called in. During the day. Anthony had requested breakfast from a local restaurant by my work. I had just ordered the food, paid, and while I was in the restroom I got multiple texts and calls. I couldn't juggle the phone. So I called the most recent one, and an RN asked me to come back in to work because my boss made a mistake with the schedule and put someone in two places at one time.
There was no discussion of how long or short the day would be. I didn't know what to do with the food. I was falling apart emotionally.
The worker at the restaurant, Vietnamese, watched me intently as she was seeing a part of the hospital life that people rarely see.
I said I hate it, I hate it! to my friend, the nurse. She said that I need to have boundaries, and to say NO. I did.
Well, that didn't go over well with my boss.
But I DID take the food, drive home, wake up Anthony, hug him and hold him, and start crying in agony as I had to go back to work.
Anthony, bless him, reminded me to 'be professional'. I got my composure. I was supposed to take him to two appointments and we came up with a plan, just in case.
I drove back to work a robot.
The GI doctor in the surgery center was uncompromising and unkind.
I knew my boss could switch and trade, and he did. I arrived at nine for the eight thirty case, and was told to report at TEN for a ten-thirty cardioversion in ICU. I checked. I double checked. The patient had already converted over the night to normal sinus rhythm on the amiodarone drip! Case was cancelled.
I watched my email and deleted things, waiting for an eleven thirty GI case in the Main OR. But I was relieved.
Tears.
No compensation.
Feeling and knowing in my bones I am nothing more than a fucking slave to my boss, and my needs don't exist, and I have no rights.
Getting retaliation for that yesterday from my boss, with my hours being cut. He wanted me to 'sit down' and 'hear it from him'.
This is the one who takes the best assignments, day after day, the best ones from each room, and moves around like a king taking what he wants.
The last path, and the most likely one I'll take, is God's plan. My bible study last night showed me that I was like Mordecai, and I didn't bow to Haman--my service is to my family, and I had to honor it in order to function. Could I have asked the restaurant to hold the food? Could I have gone across the street back to the hospital and done one case? Sure. But not knowing what was asked of me, and giving my whole day had me distraught in a big way.
I'm a mom.
I had to see my home.
I'm only human.
Now it's time for breakfast. I don't want to rush. I'm back at the surgery center again. I'm dressed, showered, and makeup is on. I have on a new fragrance today, it's a little exciting--a sample but I love fragrance.
Ross is supporting me, not making me decide anything, but the energy downloads are coming, and I got a nice call from our cousin Andy B. too. Ross takes care of his family.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
