I looked up and there it was with a clamp on the end of it: an amputated big toe. I can't begin to tell you how much this bothers me. I saw it a long time ago, and it made me not want to eat. It made me sick to my stomach to look at it then, and just thinking of it now makes me ill.
Sitting, all by itself, detached from the body, on a table.
I could see the bone from where I sat at my anesthesia machine.
I tried not looking at it.
I took care of the patient and gave Reiki.
But this same big toe that had a not-human appearance when the bandages came off before prep, looked even worse after the foot-saving and life-saving surgery.
No matter how hard I tried not to look, my eyes kept going back to it and staring...
Why did it bother me?
It looked like a uterus, it was that big.
And that pink.
And the bone looked like a cervical os.
I never see the specimens except for the brief time they sit on the back table. But this one had the back table right toward me, and there was no putting it into the plastic container like usual today. Nothing EVER fazes me in the O.R. Until THIS!
Take a good note of this. When something REALLY bothers you, there often is a lesson being presented with it. I can't put the pieces together with my conscious mind, but I will bring up what has been on my subconscious and coming out on a totally different topic. They might be in some way connected.
There is another doctor, Vietnamese, nice man, who is expecting his second child. When we met, he was single. There was a 'spark' and nothing really happened. We had a lot in common. I accepted it as 'for the Highest Good' and moved on.
As my Consciousness increases, I am 'understanding' what happened with this non-relationship on a higher level. Not that I care or it makes any difference in my present situation! I am happy to have found a friend I trust and can confide in about everything. I am good. But this is a Life Lesson being presented, after the fact, as my Awareness gets toward the 5D level where you 'understand' everything about another on a vibrational level.
It started the other day when we had breakfast at the table in the Doctor's Lounge. We talked about kids. He is a nice man, and a smart doctor. I felt comfortable enough to ask my 'dumb his specialty questions'. I was interested in the cochlear implants a friend of mine has.
To me, it was just talk.
Later, I 'got' from Spirit the reason he didn't choose to 'get involved' even enough to get to know me back when we first met. And today, I had lunch with him in the Dining Room. On an intuitive level, I started 'getting' MORE:
- my age was a big part of it--he wanted to have kids. (I am okay with that--fair enough)
- I am white
- I felt his feeling that he was 'one notch below' me and 'not able to compete for my heart' because I am white. This emotion of his, when I felt it by intuition/empathy, was confusing but I understood what his feeling was.
- Also there was a component of discussing with sister he calls every day and her input against me (again, no pain, no worry, just a factor into the outcome)
- The attraction was a situation where he would have had to leave another to get to know me, and since there was no guarantees with my heart he didn't want to take the risk
- There was comparison because he is D.O. and I am M.D. (some think M.D. is better)
- I am also very gifted in my work, one of the best of the best--everyone that sees me knows it, and it intimidates him. He is a good, but not brilliant, surgeon
- The saddest part is, there is an intellectual gap between himself and his wife--I 'pick up' that my intelligence was a two-edged sword...at first it was intimidating, but after marriage he has discovered he would like some one to talk to and understand him more, and I 'felt' his 'regret'
Let me restate that all of this I picked up was non-verbal, non-body language, and one-hundred-percent intuitive.
I don't like feeling somebody else's feelings when they are alive.
It helped me to understand the situation, and learn what I needed to know. The attraction for me is long gone, what remains is an awkwardness I keep trying to move past, and it just isn't happening! He is like, stuck in it!
Back to the toe and the O.R.--
The other part that disturbed me was that the patient kept talking about money, and I knew that there was an energy connection between the disease in the toe and his attitude. This is resonating with me big time, and really sad.
I am feeling guilty because I 'make the connection' where the one who is paying the price 'can't'.
Is this a Spiritual form of Survivor guilt?
I don't know.
All I know is that I am in a better place Now than I ever was as far as relationships go, not that there is anything certain yet. There is a mystery and fun to it still, and I am not sure if 'it' is anything more than the best friend I ever met who is a dude.
And that it doesn't matter so much what I learned 'in closure' on the Lesson. Spirit thinks it is important, so I am processing it for any future involvement of the heart. (I am keeping shhhhhh about anything, except that today I got a Sade 'By Your Side' when I woke up, I got a 'What you do is important' message on the way to work, and prayers for us are really beautiful. In Spirit, there is so much, and in 3D, it is equally fresh, pleasant, and amazing to my heart. Things are moving perfectly as can be in whatever direction they are heading, in as many dimensions as I 'occupy' at this present time.--this isn't so much for you in particular, unless you are a very special You who knows who you are and chooses to read this.)
Tomorrow I face call on the Labor Deck. Better get some rest. It is going to be a long day.
I hope this time tomorrow the only toes on my mind are going to be:
Tiny little Happy Feet at the shore : )))
And that is how you unravel a spiritual lesson!
- Note the 'feelings' something brings up in you.
- Process them.
- Allow yourself as much 'data' and 'letting go' as needed.
- When something 'resonates' you've Got It!
- Thank yourself and Spirit and move on to the next thing!
Aloha and Mahalo,