I took my son out to 31 Flavors after to celebrate.
When I looked at the flavors available, I was surprised that my favorite, burgundy cherry wasn't there.
And then it happened. It is the term I have used to describe all my life when my PTSD kicks in. I should have expected it to happen. Yesterday after dealing with mom, her doctor at the nursing home, negotiating the transfer to ER, explaining to my sisters that this was serious and mom needed an ambulance, going there, and talking with her doctors, then the long, late drive home and being even more behind in my own life...I felt 'NUMB'.
A PTSD flare typically happens when I am overwhelmed emotionally, or when something happens to 'remind me' of the event. (If you want to know what happened, look it up in the search box on this blog. I don't want to go over that again today.) My emotions can't process it in 'real time' like a normal person. It 'floats around' for days, and like a cat coughing up a fur ball--believe me, it feels just as uncomfortable--my subconscious 'spits it up' for my conscious mind to digest.
What was it today?
Well, let's start with the ice cream. Pink bubblegum is very bright pink. It also happens to be the flavor my sister always got, but not me. I had to be 'more sensible' due to my being 'the oldest'. I never got a clown ice cream that cost more. But my sister, who was trained 'to keep asking until she gets what she wants' always did. There was extreme favoritism in my family. It is still there now. Out of three girls, I am like, first born but number three when it comes to being close to mother's heart.
My little 'me' inside wanted the pretty pink ice cream.
I knew what to do. I got it. Even though I am going raw vegan, and I KNOW the ice cream is a bunch of GMO bovine growth hormone and crap, SPIRIT TRUMPS ALL when SPIRIT needs healing.
When my son got his tonsils out at four, when he came home, he was crying inconsolably. I asked him if he was in pain, and fortunately he wasn't. But he said, 'I want my tonsils BACK!'
When what happened to me at four, I felt 'dirty' and 'shame'. Like his tonsils, my 'innocence' was ripped out of my little girl's heart.
The memory buried until I was twenty-six. When it came back, I felt so dirty it was painful. I found a small ballerina bear, about six inches tall, with a tutu at a local store. I named her my name, and that was my innocence. I carried her with me everywhere, in a purse so it wouldn't show, but on my desk at work where I could see it. My massage therapist, Stacey, was an angel. She would talk to 'me' with lovingkindness, and sit 'me' up on a shelf while she worked on my body. Sometimes more memory that was trapped in my muscles would come out. Stacey, a survivor herself, taught me how to live again.
Once when I forgot 'me' at work, I made my husband drive us half hour to my work on a Saturday to get 'me' back again. This was in the first three months after the memory, and healing was very hard.
Sometimes, I think I have not grown all that much. Energetically, 'me' is 'healed', but somehow, in my aura, there is only one thing that makes me 'feel better' in my 'owie'--the scar or hole leaking energy from where my innocence was. It is the High Vibration Aromatherapy Oils I wear around my neck. I never take them off because they make me feel better. It's been most of my life with this wound. I function beautifully, no one would ever see my scar, but I really don't enjoy it. I want to be whole. And if it is the necklaces of aromatherapy that is working for me right now, so be it. I don't even HAVE my ballerina bear any more, nor do I recall where it ended up. I outgrew it.
But on deeper inspection, I would never trade a day without my PTSD. There are some benefits that are hidden. There are three--so those of you who are survivors can stand tall when I make this list:
- The trauma causes your consciousness to 'jump' into the higher 'registers' for 'safety' in a near-death situation. I literally thought 'this is what it feels like to die'. Guess what happens when you survive? You get to be psychic. Those 'connections' are wide open on a soul level.
- I am a WAY better anesthesiologist for having felt that trauma. I can recognize and treat faster and more effectively because of having experienced that myself. Surgery brings out a lot of PTSD in people, and is a source of it for others. I try to make the risk of it as low as possible in my patients.
- As a result of having to function with a subconscious that 'makes itself known', I know myself on a deeper level than would have been possible if it hadn't happened. The subconscious is not scary, but it has its own 'way' and as a matter of life I have come to know it. Some people do not even know their CONSCIOUS in the first place. But for me, I am comfortable in my own skin, with my conscious and subconscious too. I simply accept and love all of me. And I know my innocence is where it always has been, because nobody can every take away a part of your soul that is your birth right.
Remember to always be loving to yourself. To be as gentle and kind to yourself as you are to others. You are important. And you ARE a survivor, just for being here on earth. And if you have PTSD, I love you very very much, and I care about your heart. Remember that the crystal shines more brightly when the light hits one that has the cracks inside. It makes you 'sparkly', on a soul level. Sparkly just like me.
Aloha and Mahalo for reading this. I appreciate it very much. I wanted to share from my own experience what PTSD is like 'on the inside' so everyone will know it is not the end. Sometimes you need to lean on your friends sometimes. Mine have to screen my movies for me. There are some scenes I can't watch, but otherwise I do okay.
I haven't had a flare up from it since, wow, before I became a mom. I guess that means I am doing pretty well. <3
P.S. Where is the Reiki? Well, I did a magnificent job in Reiki Class when I worked on the Shadow Self meditation. That one really helped me heal a lot. Otherwise, just the daily practice, for years, has made me more aware in general, and able to tune in and stay calm when stuff like this hits.