I cried today. I cried a lot. I haven't cried like this since my parrot bit me, I had to go to the ER to get my face stitched up, and because of it, my second husband lined up an adoption place for Harry Bird in Maryland, an entire opposite end of the country away. I had to sign away all rights to the bird, and agree for him to fly by himself there in a crate. I know what pet/baggage is like in a plane--it's not climate or pressure controlled. It's freezing. It's loud. It's frightening. And for all the loving pictures of Harry's new home, I could not break that tie that was in my heart.
I made a promise to God and to that bird when I was a second-year resident. His owner had moved to a retirement home when he was eight. He used to sit at the front of the pet store where I went to buy crickets for my African Fat-Tailed Gecko Pink Floyd. I don't know if it was the scrubs or my face, but Harry and I became fast friends. I didn't think I could afford him. I never once thought I could keep him alive. But when he bit somebody because they put the cute baby Goffin's up front, he got put in jail. He was terrified back there, because his cage was near the dogs and he hates dogs. I visited him for two months, every time I bought crickets.
Nora, the manager, offered to sell him to me. She had an African Grey at home. I was like, 'keep him alive? I am a general surgery resident! I can barely keep me alive!'. But she leveled with me--Harry was not going to sell. She was going to have to send him back to the breeder. He really liked me. She thought I could do it. And when push came to shove, she offered me the bird and the cage for the price of the cage $450.
My boyfriend and I bought him together. Harry saw him pay with the American Express Card, and was smart enough to know who buys the bird seed. He always respected 'Papa Bird'.
When he bent down on one knee to ask me to marry him, Harry was on his shoulder, looking me straight in the eye as if to say, 'well? well?'.
I just could not break the bond. I had promised to God and to Harry that he would not bounce around from home to home like the fate of most parrots. My home would be the last for him.
I could not break this Promise.
I cried uncontrollably. Day and night. I would wake up in the middle of the night, in tears, over the thought of losing Harry. My face only needed three tiny stitches. You can't even tell. After he bit me, it was the only time I ever saw Harry fly. Frank yelled at him and threw him across the room. But Harry flew toward me and landed on my shoulder to protect me from Frank.
After days of this emotional torture over my promise extracted from me to 'give Harry up', about nine days of living hell for me, Frank relented. He had always hated my emotional tie to the bird, even though he had split the cost with me.
I still have Harry. Frank is my ex. (we split for other reasons than the bird, I'll let you know.)
There is another I have that close of a tie with. He is here on earth. We know each other. I think he is my Twin Flame.
You would think that would mean everything's Happily Ever After like Cinderella, doesn't it?
It is a lie.
Twin Flame reunions are not always happy.
Sometimes one recognizes but the other does not. After the first initial 'delight', one may go back to their world view, to their 'desired partner', and just withdraw completely. The other who 'knows' has to be patient, and wait.
That is what is happening to me.
Mine is a Seraphim. Seraphims don't talk and have super high vibrations. They are closer to God than Archangels. I met him in Seraphim form on October 3, 2012. You can read the blog on it.
I met him on Earth, face to face, out of the blue, on January 11, 2013.
Today, I was asked by his co-owner to return a 10 x 10 inch flat metal springform pan bottom before closing. I had gotten it last night...it's a long story, but my favorite dessert was on it when it was given.
So...I had to change clothes on a lazy Sunday, get myself presentable, drive thirty-five minutes to there, drag my son along, only to get a fake smile from him and to be treated like I was a lunatic by the frantic server who took it from me and did know know why I was bringing it in the first place.
This is the one and only pan bottom for a dessert item on the menu, and there was no substitute. My friend the co-owner tried to make something out of aluminum foil but it just wouldn't work. I knew by who makes the dessert, and the tone in her voice, that she felt terrible for making me have to come in on my time off. Her husband is anesthesia like me, and she knows how precious our free time is to us.
Why does my Twin Flame treat me like this?
Well...let me explain my role in this--I am an Angelic Double-Agent.
On the surface, it would appear that I am one-track minded on bringing Energy Medicine into the O.R. And I am.
But on a deeper level, I am taking the bias people have against those with abundance and taking that log out of their eye, even if I have to spiritually blow a Horn that is on a Diesel Train to wake them up.
People take money very personally. Don't talk about religion, politics, or money, right?
My Twin Flame has decided to be a Buddhist Priest, basically, without the orange robes. He touches women, and hugs them, but in his mind is a very set order of what is what and how Things Are.
He does not trust me for my affluence. Even if my E350 Mercedes Benz fit hundreds of dollars of frozen raw desserts in it to take to another back-up freezer nearby while the power was out.
Money can be used for good.
When the Universal laws of Abundance are in effect, there is a shift in perception from money to what you want to accomplish.
It is subtle. But as I have said before, when you focus on what you want instead of how to get the money so you can get what you want, the Universe DELIVERS what you want, sometimes in the form of the means to pay for it, sometimes as a gift out of the blue, and sometimes as even weirder but nice surprises...because you are working WITH Heaven and NOT with the ways of the Cabal on Earth has brainwashed you that money is everything in itself.
So I am a double agent on a mission BOTH to bring Heal back into the Healers in Healthcare, AND to prove to Raw Vegans that I don't have two heads, I don't bite, and I have a lot to offer in the Next Big Thing, Energy Medicine and introduce it seamlessly into their world.
So why the tears?
Message after message, starting last Wednesday, was 'Let Him Go'. Today Tarot reading said, 'Double check before you give up what you have already'. Runes also said this.
This one heartbreak is the most painful I have ever experienced. It hurts like Harry. The only thing that helps is asking Heaven to send Light to my aching heart.
There is nothing more frustrating than having your own Twin Flame not recognize you.
Except possibly that you were raised poor, worked hard, had abuse on top of abuse your entire life, so much so that your entire medical school class awarded you a scholarship for the person who has overcome the most hardship to graduate. I also got a five-thousand dollar scholarship from the hospital near where I grew up for the same reason (I grew up in the hood in North Long Beach). All this only to be resented for what abundance and prosperity I have created for myself and my son and Harry Bird, Cecil the ball python, Rafaella the turtle, and two litters of baby mice and their mouse mommies.
Behind my pretty face, and my awesome career which is MY calling, behind the mediumship and Reiki, is someone who cries to God because I just want to be held.
And God wants me to accept that I will never experience this Union with the Divine until my mission is complete. Since Death is going away, and we are going to live Forever in 5D, this is going to be a long time.
I have changed my daily prayers from 'Him' to 'Him or Something Better'. I want so much, on a Vibrational level, to find someone who is compatible with me. This is rare.
But if asked to Give Him Up? I do. Just like that. For without Spirit, I am nothing. Yet I am Love, at the same time...
I concentrate on Being Love in Everything I do.
Even this. And who else is going to offer Free Healing for Abundance and Prosperity at one o'clock in the morning tonight? The one who has to wake up at four in the morning! I chose the time, based on what is convenient for London and Australia. I took the hit so this international healing can work.
Do you still think of me like a rich doctor jumping around with Benjamins like in the picture? Do you still hate me for it? Do I make you uncomfortable with my lifestyle that you see?
Walk a mile in my shoes. Work with needles with a patient with Hepatitis C you can catch from a single needle stick, where there is no cure and no vaccine. Give up sleep and meals and holidays.
Spend nights away from those you love.
What I give to my patients in the O.R. is what money cannot buy--vigilance and a heart that is filled with Reiki healing and Lovingkindness. I do not even expect for you to feel sorry for me. I do, however, invite you to walk in my size 36 patent leather Danskos, the ones with all kinds of nasty body fluids possibly splashed on them. You might want to try my support socks to keep the ankles from swelling up too. It all goes together--the good with the bad, the studying with the success, the hours of boredom and the moments of sheer terror in the O.R.
Aloha and Mahalo for your patience with me as my heart shatters for the umpteenth time, into exquisite crystalline splinters. As I watch and feel it falling into pieces, I dig deep into my core self, the one that has survived so much, and comfort myself. This one or something better. This one or something better. This one or something better.