I was an 'accident'. On my parent's first wedding anniversary, they 'celebrated' so much they fell off the couch and made me.
When mom came home from the doctor and said to my dad, "We have good news!" Dad smiled and said, "We are not pregnant?" Mom saw the look of horror on my face as she was telling me all of this, back pedaled quickly, and said, 'after that they loved and wanted me very much'.
Mother and Father could not agree on parenting style. Mom had to work to support the family. I went to Carrie's, the Hungarian Alcoholic. Did you know that in the first year you develop your basic sense of trust in your needs being met? I have a sense of screaming with hunger and being soiled and it not making any difference.
Mom discovered this, and sent me to my nana's home instead while she worked. Nana took care of me. She fed me, she washed me, she held me in her arms until I fell asleep for my nap. For those few short years, life was wonderful. I enjoyed very much when mother would rock me at night. I listened with contentment to the sound of her beating heart. Even today, I spend my days listening to hearts beeping on the monitor. I have always had fascination with the heart, and did my fellowship so I could do anesthesia for heart surgery.
For some reason, as I grew, I always felt like I never had 'enough' hugs. I suspect it was the early child development. Mother, a germophobe, also never let us kiss her anywhere but on the cheek. My little sister, also, literally pushed me out of mom's lap when she was two and I was six. Mom had decided to quit her job to raise her 'perfectly'. Mom allowed it, and never corrected her. I never sat on mom's lap again. Around that time, mother got into extreme weight loss. Most of the time she was hungry. She, like the other moms in the neighborhood, went to the doctor in town who would give amphetamines for weight loss. Her temper was hair-trigger and I walked on eggs at all times. My childhood, with little physical contact, was hard on me.
When my son was born, I relished the attachment parenting. It healed ME! But now he is as tall as I am, practically, and I can wear his shirts. He does not fit on my lap any more. That makes me sad. I was thinking about it, because I enjoy being a mom, and I always will...I just didn't think the 'small years' would go by too soon.
Part of attachment parenting is letting your child sleep with you. Mine sprawls and tosses off the blankets. What works is if I lie in his bed until he falls asleep. I read a story, and usually that is enough.
But last night, as if he somehow knew my being sad about how fast the time was passing, for the first time he fell asleep giving me a big hug and saying, 'I love you, mom.'
I felt so much better.
Today I had some incredible breakthroughs in trying to understand why this affects me so.
First, through reading my message from Dad as I typed up a chapter today, he let me know that my brain is like his. In every way. I do not act on it like he did. But there appears to be a genetic lack of oxytocin. This neuropeptide is made by the pituitary--the posterior one--and is associated with feelings of love, acceptance, pleasure, and bonding.
I am a pituitary patient. I had a tumor on my anterior pituitary, a prolactinoma. It is gone. I had surgery in 1990. I might have had something get 'nicked' there in surgery, I don't know. I do know that vasopressin and antidiuretic hormone (ADH) is also released by the posterior pituitary, and my urine osmolality was checked to make sure I did not have SIADH.
Nursing a baby gives a big burst of oxytocin. So does physical contact. A twenty-second hug boosts oxytocin levels that can be measured in the blood. This is why I am wistful about the passing of time in his childhood. And this is why his little arm around me and his saying 'I love you mom' helped so much.
Another way to get a bump in oxytocin is through climax. For the risk of TMI I am going to stop talking about this here. It explains a lot. For example, in my next life I want to be a puppy or a kitten, and get to sleep in one big pile with all the rest...but for now, I always ache with a longing to be just held.
But you know what? This has been helpful to Spirit to make me go through incredible things! It is the guy I fall for that is the carrot Spirit puts right in front of my face. It works every time. And with every sting of rejection, I shine my Light a little brighter, for raising the Vibration is more comfortable than taking the pain.
It is shining really bright now. And my heart is filled with gratitude for being sent such a fine son.
I had fertility problems. I was told that I could not carry a child to term because of my anticardiolipin antibody. I did! I went post-dates and had to be induced! He is my miracle. In every way.
What about the angels that I talk to? And the spirits? Well, we are close, but I cannot feel the same 'solid' when we hug. I can merge energy, which is incredible. But always, there is empty, like the hug I really want but never seem to get. If you notice in every chapter of my book, across all the messages, there is always the message to spur me on, it is waiting for you, Happiness, walk to it!
Fortunately, in one of the Chapters, Cameron says he died a virgin and never missed anything at all. In Heaven he is happy.
So I just prayed right now, to my angels, to help me to make the best of my situation. And if I ever DO get to be with my Twin Flame, I think I am better now than I would have been had I not understood. No one can make up for oxytocin deficiency. Do I want to take meds for it? Do they exist? No. But can I make sure I make time for gentleness and extra hugs in my close interpersonal relationships? I think I can.
I sense a big change is coming. That is why I published all of the rest of the book. Something is happening, I can feel it. About my own personal life, I 'sense' that by Autumn everything is going to be better. Even today, though, I am doing lots better than I was this time yesterday when I wrote it.
Reiki helps you understand and to accept yourself better. Working with Spirit in healing yourself is a wonderful thing. I want my Twin Flame to know that I have done everything humanly possible to make myself the best possible partner I am capable of. And if, and when, he is 'okay with me and you', I am ready. We both aren't perfect. We both have scars. But I will learn from his 'mirror image' of me enough to take my own healing to a deeper level. When there is a Soul Connection, one person's work helps lighten the soul-work that is required on the other.
That is as good as it gets. I am going to smile, enjoy the weather, and the company of the beautiful people I experience in my life, each and every day. I will save lives. I will heal others. I will Be Love in Everything I Do.
A bientot, my beautiful Twin Flame! And if I guessed right or wrong, it makes no difference. Why? Because I am a better person for having met you.
Namaste, Namaste, Namaste,
Reiki Doc
