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Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Charlie Brown Tree
To my left is a six-dollar Charlie Brown Tree in a four-inch pot. The golden star on a stick is shining. The tiny ornaments that bent the top with their weight are half-bleached by the sun. What day is it? February 24, 2013. Christmas was two months ago! And yet only now I have the 'courage' to admit plant growing 'loss' and toss the whole thing away. Not even to compost it!
When I saw it at SavOn, it was at the register in the plant equivalent of 'Traumatic Full Arrest'. I was good with plants, but not that good. And not with this type. I had killed many a Bonsai tree of this type of bush in my 'wanting it to be a hobby' days. There is a knack to the art of Bonsai, mainly, good outside space, plenty of light, and plenty of time to care for it. And of also not being afraid to trim when it is growing in the shape you don't want. I had the 'eye' to see the shape of my Bonsai in natural trees and mimic it with my hand. I terribly sucked at actually growing my own Bonsai. I switched to Ikebana where I have been more in my element...
My sister, bless her heart, is struggling with yet another broken heart. In her confidence to me, I picked up we had a lot in common: being attracted to the complex-difficult partner, pushing the 'nice ones' away, and being utterly confounded at why 'he cheated on her' when she asked 'for someone to be the Real Deal' up front.
She has a lot of waking up to do.
I know, for I am finished with my self-discovery of who I am and what makes me tick. Many times the symptom of molest is the ability to have all of your life in order but your personal life is a mess. 'It takes one to know one', so to speak, and I have, 'whatever-dar' to pick up those who have been through this trouble like myself.
Everyone knows about it but the person who is suffering from it. It is very much like the person who has agonized and plotted over 'when to come out' and when they do, the people in their life are like, 'we thought you would never come out'! 'The homosexual in the closet, much to their surprise, had not been fooling anybody!
So, if you are like us, and seek interest in a Charlie Brown Tree of a partner, STOP. If you suffer from one heart break after another, you are on the WRONG PATH. Turn around and go back into your Heart and LOOK. Just like in the picture above of the Crystal Cave in Sequoia National Park, go to that locked gate of your subconscious, open it, go inside and take a good look around. Around you there are mirrors that are other people and how they treat you. There are 'lessons' to help you learn more of your Truth about yourself.
For if you do not love yourself completely, adorable warts and all, you are in no position to love anyone else.
I have just come out of the cave I fell into and landed sharply on my 'bottom' eight years ago. That was at the end of my 'string of long failed relationships'. I crashed and burned. I said 'no more'.
I decided I had to be there for my family, to be strong for them, and to survive. I had a lot of healing to do when my ex clearly moved on, and I still had to interact with him for the sake of the children. Once his cell phone was in his back pocket while they were being 'passionate', and left a twenty-minute message on my answering machine, oh babies, yeah baby's, moans, the works! Fortunately I chose 'not to take it personal' and deleted it at once. Being witness to their lovemaking was a terrible knife through my heart.
But by being Open and Being Present, by Following Joy and a lot of Careful Observation, I got out of my jail that I had put myself into to survive from my trauma in the first place! After survival, many of the symptoms, hypervigilance, hyperarousal (a tickle makes you jump two feet up, you startle that easily), avoidance of triggers, and recall of events, affect the survivor with PTSD.
Reiki has helped considerably. It has helped me to stand on my own two feet and open up to work with Spirit on my Healing. This did not happen overnight. It has taken just as many years 'after the memory' as 'the memory was buried deep in my subconscious'. I learned that I was blaming myself, on a deep soul level, and buying into a lie to protect the abuser. I did not consider myself worthy of Unconditional Love. Just like the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree, I wanted to be loved into my true splendor by another. But life does not work like that. And my 'love' for other 'shipwrecks' only pointed to how terribly off-course my own life path had been in the Heart-of-Hearts department.
I am thankful for all of my patients, my friends, and my loved ones who I have had the opportunity to share Unconditional Love--the lovingkindness from my heart to theirs. It was ultimately their Love and Persistence, and Gratitude and Acceptance, that made me see my Dis-Ease in not thinking I was 'worthy' enough to let all that Love in. Only from Heaven. Only from the Higher Dimensions, everything was able to be processed 'normally' by me. That is the headquarter for Unconditional Love, a healing power in the Universe that has nothing to do with 'taking it to the next level in relationship'.
It just is. In the Here and Now. And it is Wonderful. It is waiting to come into 3D, and lift you up to everything you have wanted to discover about Love and Life and Heaven. All you have to do it 'act as if', do your Lessons-Homework on your soul growth, and work hard at self-liberation from Untruths.
Once you come to this Truth, you are ready to step out of that Cave, and into the Sunshine where you belong. Dis-Ease dissolves completely, once and for all.
This is my message to you, baby sister, from your Sister who loves you so much. I am sorry for your heartache. I know the dreams you had, of a home, family, children. I know the emptiness that drives you to these 'relationships' with sharks of men. A snake is a snake, and a seeker must be light on her feet and alert to weed out the predators from the 'good partners'.
A man will tell you he loves you with his actions, with the way he looks at you, and the way he listens to your heart.
He doesn't have to say 'what you want to hear' to 'prove his love for you'. If anything, to me it is quite the opposite. The 'poets' are the ones who are more interested in 'the chase' than anything else in Life. The one who is worth waiting for will go through the lessons in the Muse song, 'Madness' to make sure that the attraction is worth his interest. And will take his time until like the song by the Cure, 'Close to Me' to let you know he has made up his mind. Then YOU are free to select if 'he is right for you'. If it is, it is a 'match' or a 'stick', something mutually compatible for both of your Higher Development. But never a 'match stick' to burn up and disappear. If for any reason you are not comfortable, the Universe will send another. Just you wait!
I have to go. The mobile missile launcher Nerf tank has me under attack. The kids are trying to get me off the computer. It is a beautiful day, and I must go.
Aloha nui loa, for mau loa. Namaste,