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Sunday, February 24, 2013
Breaking Vows to Find Peace, Warmth, Nurturing and Compassion
Three little Buddhas. Three little Buddhas in an image that rocked the internet--their joy is palpable! Contagious! And a reminder of our Birthright to Joy.
Although 'Joy' is my name ('Gioia'--nana called me this), and although 'Joy' is the name of my Guardian Angel ('Laetari')...although 'Joy' is my sacred totem ('Hummingbird') in Native American Medicine--I have lived in 'Solitary Confinement' for most of my life on Gaia.
It is 'Emotional' Solitary confinement. Today, as I first awakened, I heard a voice, 'You are going to have a miracle that is beyond anything you ever did expect (in relationship)'.
These 'voices' upon 'waking up' are the most accurate messages I have from Source. For example, one day the message was 'wear lots of black'. I dressed myself and my family accordingly. And on that day, in early afternoon, I got the call that 'Dad is not doing so good, come quick'. Although he had been on Palliative Care, his death was unexpected and sudden. People noticed our apparel color was 'right for the occasion'. It was that obvious...
My trauma began when I was four. Five neighbors brutally raped me, smothering me with a pillow. As I felt the terrible burning pain in my body, the being held against my will, the panic, the powerlessness, and lack of air, I recall having two thoughts: 1) I want to be home more than anything else in the whole wide world right now, and 2) This is what it is like to die...
As the mother made them stop, I 'came to' while sitting in their kitchen sink and having her wash me. I had soiled myself with urine and feces in my fright. She quietly took care of me, not saying a word. I felt gratitude for her being a woman, for understanding my suffering, and for making my world 'right' after the terrible attack. I felt love for her compassion, and thanked God for sparing my life.
I was so tiny, that she held my hand and went to watch me cross the street. She knelt down, looked me in the eye, and said, 'You must never say a word of this to anyone about what you have done. You have done a very bad thing!'
At four, I looked her in the eye as my fragile world she had so carefully reconstructed crashed down upon my soul, and I made my first vow: I said that I would not tell.
Tonight is the big award show mother used to look forward to. I grew up on Oscar Night staying up, having snacks we normally could not afford to eat, and listening to thank you speech after acceptance speech. I will take this moment to express gratitude for my being released from my 'Soul Cage of Misperception' and to Heaven for 'Breaking My Vow' with the gentleness of a Spring breeze from the islands filled with wonderful floral scent.
You are my mirrors. All of you. And I owe it to you to help me see. Thank you to the string of terrible failed relationships with emotional cripples. I now see that you have perfectly mirrored the emotional scars that were borne unwillingly in me.
Thank you for the new friend, and fellow PTSD survivor, who had lost your hearing to assault from an autistic patient and was considering caring for a new autistic client who 'hit his own mom'. Your asking me for advice on your situation helped me see the absurdity of seeking essentially the same conflict that had caused grave injury to you. Your decision to trust in God to meet your needs allowed me to let go of the bars of my emotional prison.
To the one that took a vow of silence willingly for twelve years, I learned how in doing so you have 'spoken' for the plight of animals that have suffered at the hands of ignorant, selfish mankind for so long that man has made a 'business' or 'agri-industry' based on their systematic destruction. In your vow of silence for all beings who have suffered, combined with your Life Work to raise awareness to this fact, you have unwittingly shone the Light on humans who have suffered at the hands of men. Your silence, and how you compensate to communicate in a world where speaking is essential, is a perfect mirror for my plight I had no idea I had been suffering. My heart was stifled by my 'vow'--as if my speaking freely from the depths of my heart would break the 'deal' I had made to only 'toe the line' and 'reach for Conditional Love'. How can love exist between two people when the heart of one is caged in silence and cannot 'speak' except through writing? I now see and can heal from this terrible 'vow' I had made as an innocent four-year old girl!
To my children, for loving me unconditionally, and for being Here and Now for me to Unconditionally Love. To you I have held nothing back! The day-to-day Healing I experienced in my role as parent and guide helped so much to heal my childhood wound without my realizing it.
To my Nana Angelina, my godmother and grandmother, for your smile of joy as I gently stroked your cheek yesterday in your 'home that is small' as you call it--the nursing home for you to spend the rest of your days, your shared room...the 'hospital where you have to tell people you have to poop', where 'this is not caffe--it is TERRIBLE' (Italian coffee is no comparison to thickened Folger's with creamer and sugar)....As I stroked your cheek you said, 'I like it'. I looked you in the eye and asked, 'Do you know how much we love you?' I scooped you up in the biggest hug, gently, as you are so thin you might break. I let go and you smiled beaming, looking at myself and your beloved great grandchildren in the eye, and said 'I know'. As I was with her, I felt the 'ice' in my soul starting to thaw, and I was 'present' in the 'Here and Now' with Her, my gentle mirror. When everything fails, both the body and the mind, the only thing that is left is the capacity for Unconditional Love.
I give thanks to you, each and every one of you, who acted in the role of 'My Blessed Mirror'. It is not a 'card' or 'flag' of 'Relationship Woes' that I accepted before birth that kept me suffering in the quest for 'Second Rate Conditional Love'. It was an agreement to experience a 'Cage of My Own Misunderstanding'. The brutal trauma I experienced as a child set the stage for a lifetime of suffering. Until today I did not know that hanging around my neck there was the key. This morning, I used it and walked out of that prison!
For all of you who are 'out there', and truly suffering from Lack of any kind--lack of love, abundance, understanding, knowledge, Lovingkindness, joy--I hope with sincerest appreciation that in sharing my story you might discover that you, too, have long held the key to your own joy and freedom in your heart center.
In Love and Joy and Enlightenment,
In Heaven that which is not mutually beneficial--that 'tie' just does not exist. There is no 'marriage vow' to 'marriage of convenience'--everyone is free to go and there are no hard feelings. The vow of celibacy--which is a particularly 'sticky' one that can flow from lifetime to lifetime--is dissolved. The vows of 'revenge' , 'honor', and 'winning at all costs' simply do not exist in the Higher Realms.
This is what is written, if you study the great literature of the heart and the Ascended Masters.
Namaste, Aloha, and Mahalo for each and every one of you for who you are and what you have done for me, : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) <3