June 23, 2008
There is a time…to Die! (heard as I ran an ABG in the anteroom of room 1)
Frederico, 27 y.o. male, had just died of eighteen stab wounds to the back. He exsanguinated in the field, but was brought to OR 6 by the trauma team. He was in pulseless electrical activity and had a full clamshell thoracotomy. (ed- this is 'from the xiphoid to the gurney on BOTH right and left sides; the body is opened along the length of the entire costal margin in a clamshell thoracotomy)
His eyes were vacant, fixed flown pupils, and agonally gasping for air (intubated in the field).
I’d felt him a little as the team was working on him in the OR, but he came to me in the ABG room loud and clear. There was a resignation and pride to him. He’d chosen his life and lived it. I don’t think he knew I’d prayed for his soul and for his mother when I was in the OR with him. I asked Blessed Mother for help him in his transition.
He came to me the other night, but I was rocking the baby to sleep at home. After I put the child to bed, I took out my pen and paper, and transcribed this:
F: says “Hi” quietly. (I sense his presence, that he’s here now. He’d said he would come back before when I was doing the ABG.)
F: what do you want me to tell you?
me: are you okay?
F: I am (very calm. Very quiet)
me: Any regrets?
F: Yes! What a fool I was. What a fool I was. Thinking I was tough and all that. I almost got out without my life! (got into Heaven, by only a narrow margin.) What’s with you?
F: Your light.
me: Not sure. I kinda have it. Others notice, mostly on the other side. I try to use it for good. I don’t really understand it.
F: You’re pure. Your light is very shiny. It’s pretty. It’s beautiful. I can see it from out here. Not in the OR. I was busy floating and watching my body—it was like T.V. I couldn’t see it, your light. Now I can.
Thank you for saving me. My soul. It was really close. I want to talk to you about something. My mom. Why did you pray so strongly for her and not for me?
me: It was going to affect her soul much more than you.
F: How did you know? It was uncanny that you knew so much.
me: I felt her. On you. Her desperation to get you to change—away from the gang. Her guilt.
F: You felt all that on me?
me: She knew that you were lost to her a long long time ago. When all the tattoos started. She was helpless.
F: Kind of like Mother Mary and her Son, Jesus?
me: Yes, exactly.
F: I want you to know something. When I died, that moment I was not alone. Your heart was with me. I want to thank you for it. I wouldn’t have accepted it had I been awake and chosen how to pass. You butted your way in. That force went a long long way to helping me.
me: I was just doing my job.
F: No—you’re hired to do anesthesia.
me: My task is to show the dying how close they are to God. I don’t get paid for it.
F: You are going to have a baby. And a husband. You are gong to have a lot of energy. This is a few years back. Not with coffee. But with happiness and light. I like that scent on you 'SUPER MODEL' by Victoria's Secret. I want you to keep wearing it. All summer. God will reward you for your courage and tenacity…the happiest I’ve seen in a long time.
God has something beautiful for you. Thank you for helping me. My heart is beautiful now. My mother very blessed.
I had a good time with you watching the drama like on TV. And when I died I passed into an existence I could not imagine: love and tenderness, all in the eternal.
You are bright, like a diamond. Your oldest son is going to change the world. (says his first name). (Says the name of my second son--who was not conceived yet) is going to take your heart and melt it into chocolate peanut butter Hershey—not caramel—he will beguile you with his wit and likeness…he will be the spitting image of his daddy. But inside, just like you. Just like first son. Together you will have another chance, just like both of us—me up here, you down there. Husband #3 will be good to you. Win your heart. Every day. I want you to keep smiling as you walk to it.
Know that I am helping you from above. I have nothing else to do. Not for eternity. (I can take care of my family and also for you. I can do both.)
That circus is going to be the best, too! Front row seating! Have a good time with all of it. (ed - I was taking the baby to the circus for the first time later that week.)
F.G.of the Light
I am in Heaven (very peaceful).