June 18, 2008
Five times. They tried to get my heart started FIVE times and called it “Deep Hypothermic Circulatory Arrest.”
I couldn’t breathe much oxygen.
And so I died.
Alone on that table.
Nobody to talk to, nobody to see me.
You were so happy.
Open your eyes to the light. I want you to tell everybody how wonderful it was to be incarnate. All the hurts, all the pains add up to something special on the other side. I want you to have faith in it.
I am happy.
And I want you to tell everybody this: a life well-lived is like money in the bank. It is better for retirement than any stock or bond. Once you get here, none of this matters.
The new chairman (ed--of my anesthesia department) is going to be unhappy when he crosses to heaven. He will have the scars upon the whip on his back for having caused a lot of talent so much stress.
God will take good care of you and love you. And always love your patients.
You are wonderful, happy and light. I saw you, in fact I never knew you until I crossed over to the other side! And I saw you standing there in that room with so much love in your heart. I saw your past, also with your future, all of it combined. It was pretty, a lot like a tapestry. I saw your heart so beautiful and sweet.
You will have challenges of another kind—how to limit the fun so you can have some rest…there will be so many choices and activities, all of it wonderful and blessed.
About your wedding—it will be the most beautiful and wonderful, awesomely romantic tryst, followed by a loving courtship, mutual affection and loving, and a holy need of one for the other and back. Once your hearts are linked there is nothing ever taking it away. You are on a one-way trip. Enjoy it. Half of the fun is in getting there.
I died. It was my time. Everyone understood it. I had to die so another one can live.
You will be surprised at what will happen so pleasantly. And how it will have surprised you. You are wonderfully happy. For all of life. And death. And the hereafter. All of it connected.
Have a beautiful life. I have a beautiful death. I cherish that I spoke with you (tousles my hair)
The guy on the table with Dr. G and Dr. S B
(this was not my patient. However, as a cardiac anesthesiologist, when a colleague is in trouble, it is part of the job to come into the room and offer help).