June 25, 2007
Aunt Edna died today. At 0745 a.m.
Cousin Donna slept with her in the living room. Uncle Dave and Debbie were in the other room, but Debby had left early to go to Becca’s play ‘Peter Pan” at school.
I didn’t feel much. Just Joy, Freedom…light all day. I didn't know she had died.
As I drove to pick up m son from school, I saw her with Grandma, Aunt Yvonne, Maud, Louise, and her namesake, Edna, who had died from cancer as a teen before my Aunt Edna was born. They were busy and happy.
Also, as I did dishes, she said that dying/passing over wasn’t what she thought it would be. The getting there was lots worse-really bad (her months of suffering).
I know our souls are connected—Grandma, Edna and me. I am the oldest. Grandma is my niece now. I am not sure if Edna is coming back.
My sister dreamed of Edna shining in a white dress with Grandma holding hands.
The only thing I wanted to know, was if Uncle Dave took his anger out on her, like I knew he had done in the past with my cousins. I would be very sad for that. The thought never crossed my mind while growing up, about his taking his anger out on anybody, but my cousins talked to my mother about the memories of abuse that were coming up when they were in their early twenties and wanted to know if they were going crazy or it really happened to them?
Right when I’d learned Mom and Dad got the call to go say goodbye to Aunt Edna last Saturday I felt a “God will have a husband for you” message-knowing that seemed out-of-the-blue.
I believe that now. The tapes from eharmony are helping. Today I practiced self-giving love. And attention. I can’t see ahead…
Blessed Mother: God will have everything prepared for you.
Me: Did the prayers work? I said the special ones on Saturday.
(ed - I have a pamphlet booklet that is Catholic, and has 'Prayers To Help Someone Cross Over' in it. I had prayed for Auntie, prayed very hard, for some time.)
BM: Talk about the dress.
Me: My sister said it was shining. White.
BM: spreads her hands, shrugs.
Me: I did it?
BM: Nods yes. (pinches my nose). I am very proud of you.
Me: for what?
BM: For having the faith to go through with it.
Me: To go though with it?
BM: To find the book and pray and to know that it would happen. Thy ‘did it from afar”.
Me: I couldn’t go near their energy. (ed - of my cousins and uncle on my last visit to the hospital, when I drove over one hour with my two year old son--refused to let me visit her in her hospital room, politely explaining now was not a good time, so I never said goodbye. They didn't figure that a doctor would know more than they did, about when it's 'close' to the end, and want to pay respects one last time, to say goodbye to their favorite Auntie. They were in denial about the end.)
BM: It was wise of you to comfort this.
Me: Blessed Mother?
Me: I am going to miss her.
BM: You are lucky for the times you had…most fortunate…I want you to write them. Write them for all posterity.
Me: My name came from what she’d picked before she miscarried her pregnancy.
She sent a birthday card every year.
She braided my hair at the desert.
She told me to love my dresser--maple and mom's old one (when I was fourteen and hated it)
She was my confirmation sponsor
She threw my bridal shower
She helped me find my wedding dress
She came to my wedding (first husband) and to my reception (second)
She saw me dance (perform ballet). And I saw her dance (tap)
She threw my baby shower, so beautiful.
She made a photo album of it.
She came to the baby’s Baptism.
We spoke for hours on the phone.
I could confide in her anything.
She knew my heart, and gently opened hers.
Last July 4, she didn’t look healthy. And her cheeks were less swollen…
I trust in you, Father, to make the best of it. And to guide me on my path…
BM: (tousles my hair) Are you not crying?
Me: I am not crying. I am emotionally blocked.
BM: Too clinical? What about that ant?
Me: On the floor? It is walking in circles. It is in the wrong place. It is going to die.
BM: God wants it that way. It is in the right place—
Cousin Debbie called. (ed - Cousin Debbie is very conservative Christian--she thinks anything like my mediumship is from the devil himself. The bible says...she would say.)
She explained how everyone said goodbye at the end at her folks house, where the hospital bed was in the living room.
I am glad about that.
I’ll go rest.
P.S. Cousin Debbie said his mom fought dying. She wanted to see her grandkids’ lives.
Aunt Edna asked in the hospital “There’s no pain in Heaven?”
Debbie said, “There is no pain in Heaven.”
Later, Saturday, Edna closed her eyes and said, “It’s Dark.”, afraid.
Debbie said to look for the light. Jesus is the light.
Later Edna said, “It’s light.” And was happy.