On Letting Go--Thoughts From An Anesthesiologist On Death

Today we are going to bring up a subject that might make some people uncomfortable.  This is not the intent.  The motivation is to bring to you the benefit of my over twenty-years experience in the Operating Room, and to help you make the most of your quality of life when it comes to end-of-life care.



Three Hots And A Cot

This is an old saying among those who work in the hospital, where on the coldest of nights, people who have no place else to go, will come to the emergency room complaining of chest pain. They understand the protocol to rule out a myocardial infarction (heart attack) requires three blood tests taken eight hours apart.  This why food and shelter is given to them for one day, and it is free of charge, as there are few resources typically available for people who use this as a last resource.

People are clever.

So are those who work in the hospital for figuring out a quick saying that captures the situation succinctly, and allows more energy to be focused on other priorities besides the current situation. You can't win. The patient has won by faking a heart attack on a cold winter's night when there is no shelter. And you go through the steps and do what has to be done, but you don't worry or lose any sleep over it, does this make sense?

This patient needs a six pack and a fishing pole.  -- James Jakowatz, MD, Surgical Oncology

To me, this quote from my teacher sums up all of end of life care for the patient's highest good:  there is a point where further intervention will decrease the quality of life for what little time the patient has left--everything must be done to ensure the patient's comfort and to meet the patient's goals of care.

I want you to think about that as we go through the next few scenarios...

Disease Has Its Own Course Over Time

Recently I did major cancer with reconstructive surgery on a patient who was 'lost to follow up'. After the initial abnormal finding on the mammogram and instruction to have a follow-up radiology exam 'just to make sure'--the patient didn't do anything except go from one second opinion to the next, trying to decide what to do.

Cancer growth is described as a 'doubling time'--one abnormal cell takes a certain amount of time to divide into two cells. By the time where it can be detected, it has been present for what could have been a length of time!

Disease is not going to slow down its progression once it gets detected; rather, it is going to pick up steam and accelerate itself in your body whether you choose to act upon the test results or not.

This is difficult and painful for me to say to you.

I know you would like to have time for the emotions to settle after receiving a devastating diagnosis, before you resolve to act. Anyone would like to have unlimited time to search for the best course of action which is right for them...I know this all too well.  I've done it myself, and fortunately I got lucky. But I was playing with fire, with my own life, and I was gambling with very high stakes with my delay.

This is where the love and support of family and friends, and if you are alone then the social worker or chaplain--to help you sort things out once the cards have been dealt.

What could have been a twenty-minute operation with nipple sparing turned into a seven-hour ordeal, with much greater risk of anesthesia and surgery, as well as extensive restructuring of the body appearance because of this delay.

If money is a concern talk to a social worker. Most of my patients these days are funded by the county or the state or Medicare...there are options you might not know exist...

Dedicating This To Mommy and Daddy

My father challenged the system in which I work.  He had a total fear of the ICU. When I worked at the VA, on ICU, and wasn't allowed to leave the floor, sometimes he would bring me Taco Bell...it took a lot of courage for him to walk the length of the ward to the break room to visit with me. He stared straight ahead, and avoided looking at the rooms on either side of him that were his worst nightmare.

I suppose this only further strengthened his resolve to have 'no heroics' when his pulmonary fibrosis was diagnosed.

Have you ever seen 'air hunger'? Father died of it. After a while even the oxygen doesn't work any more. At the end he was so exhausted he did not have the energy to brush his teeth. Mom had to do it for him.

When I got the call, that he 'wasn't looking so good' and it was time to come to his bedside, the hospice nurse from Kaiser was at my parent's home. To my eyes, I saw her giving him an overdose, and withholding definitive care (intubation of the windpipe, like I do every day).   I accused her of all of these things!

My brother--in-law and mom yelled back, and said, 'HE WANTS IT THIS WAY!'

And he died.  It took hours. I had to tell mom to give him permission to go. And once the chaplain anointed him with oil, I saw a vision, my clearest and first one of the pearly gates. I saw him cross over...(there is a blog post describing it in detail, around June of 2009 he passed...not sure when I blogged it).

Father said NO! To long-term care in a facility on a ventilator. Father said NO! to being embalmed. Father said I ACCEPT DEATH after a lot of work with his chaplain and hospice team (they call it Palliative Care with his medical system)...

I learned to respect Daddy for the lesson he taught me--on how to 'let go'.

Mom, on the other hand, said, 'I WANT TO LIVE FOR MY FAMILY'. In 1999, December 31, mom had renal failure.  She could have died in four days had she rejected dialysis.

She took the dialysis.  Then she said, 'NO!' to the support group of dialysis patients. But after a while, she and father decided to go.

Then she said, 'NO!' to the extensive medical testing you need to do to be on the transplant list. She was terrified of having to do the spirometry test.  But after a while, she and father decided to complete that last test and be placed on the transplant list.  She waited with excitement for the day her new kidney would come!  (she didn't want ours, because as she said, 'you girls will need them.')

After time, she said, 'God? I accept this life of dialysis in my heart. I won't fight it any more.'

Two months later she got the call! 'Charlie' the new kidney was hers! She had energy, and a new life! Except for a bunch of pills she had to take, she could travel and enjoy her grandchildren again!

She took care of Anthony for two years while I worked part-time.  He was born three years after the transplant.

But the anti-rejection medicines gave mom both diabetes and bladder cancer. It was ADVANCED!  She needed life-saving surgery.

During each step of the way, in private, I asked her, 'Mom? Do you really want to go through with this? Is this what YOU want? And not what you think the family expects of you?  You let me know, and no matter what, I will explain it to my sisters gently if you just want to stop like dad did.'

She valued my openness and concern. And she told me where all the 'funeral packet' is and how she's planned everything. But for now, she wanted to live, and that was her goal.

It was a very long, drawn out time for her in recovery. But now she is content, and alive, two years later.

So whether it is a YES or a NO, you have the right to decide what is right for YOU, every step of the way, when devastating illness makes itself present in your life...

Dad as a little boy

Here Is The Skinny

From where I work in the O.R., I see a LOT. And there are some things that exist that I call 'mortal wounds'...

• that LAST thing that goes wrong in a patient who has multiple serious medical problems of all organ systems--who was living independently until this seemingly minor 'thing' happens.
• end stage cancer to the point of intestinal blockage in multiple locations with ascites
• tumors everywhere and weight loss to the point of being 'cachectic' (wasting)
• going for anesthesia for something minor when there is sleep apnea and morbid obesity
• any anesthesia when there is pulmonary hypertension
• very extensive surgery in someone who is not in the best of health

The patients basically 'want their old life back' and seek surgical intervention as a drastic means to 'obtain it'...

They and their families are not thinking it through.

There are surgeons who will operate on anyone who has a pulse.  Whether it is to do an exciting case, or to 'help', or to make money, there is a lot of pressure not to cancel their case...

In essence, if I have a 'BAD FEELING' about the risk of a poor outcome (death, stroke, etc) but no test results or evidence to 'back it up', I can't cancel the case...but if you look very closely at my face and my eyes, you will see my concern there.

In very brief explanation, for the reasons above, I submit:

• there are too many 'miles on the car' to withstand the anesthesia, surgery, hospitalization and recovery.  There is little or no 'physiologic reserve' to help you get through all what it ahead.
• It's a choice of dying with tubes and bags on the stomach or just without--it won't extend life.
• The doubling time has increased the tumor load on the body to where the tumor is taking more of the nutrition than you. At this point we are just 'feeding the cancer' and tube feeding is withheld...
• airway management in anesthesia is a serious risk we don't talk about. If you open your mouth and no one can see your uvula (that thing that dangles down in the back) you better be having your surgery at an experienced center who handles the difficult airway. No one might tell you that you had a significant desaturation after anesthesia was induced and the airway was controlled with the breathing tube because it was difficult to put in place.
• the risks of poor outcome with anesthesia and pulmonary hypertension are about fifty percent where with other diseases it is less than one percent.
• surgery is like running a marathon--the longer it is, the harder it is on your system.

Have The Talk

There are three talks you need to have about the end of life before you EVER mention it with your doctor...


With yourself
What do YOU want? Do you want to be kept alive? Or allowed a Natural Death? Do you want hospice? Who would you pick to make your medical decisions for you if you can't? How far do you want to extend yourself in treating your ailment? And what 'decision points' will be signs for you that perhaps it is time to change up the plan, and perhaps, suit your goals further, in another direction?  (By the way, I strongly suggest doing what works for you in MANY areas of healing, not just one...)


With your family
I have made it know that if I am in a persistent vegetative state I am OKAY with it. I only want my loved ones to be able to see and touch me as they need to, and when God says 'it's time' I am okay to go. In the meantime, I have my Jewish Friends on alert that I want the Torah read to me as much as possible, in Hebrew--because even though I can't understand it, my soul somehow does, and is deeply comforted by hearing it. My stylist Ed is the one who is 'on the hook' for this right now, and has been for over ten years. When Anthony was born, Ed came to the hospital with his little prayer book--and said blessings over the child and me. It meant so very much to us both, that he would do something so kind that no one else would be able to do for us.


With God
This is the most delicate of them all. Because, as we know, we don't have the final say in the outcome. It is important at this point to invite 'Creator' (I call it 'God' out of habit) to help direct your choices for The Highest Good.  Case in point, a woman I recently met at a mediumship had a husband die young. He was very sick, and he wanted to suicide. She was very disturbed. She loved him and didn't want him to suffer, but the ways he had in mind were messy and graphic and more than she could accept at the time. A mutual friend found a group, 'EXIT' in their native Switzerland. It helps people in his situation suicide. So he drank something, and she listened to his heart, and fifteen minutes later it stopped and he was dead.  she STILL bears the emotional scars from witnessing his suicide, and he left her with three kids to raise all alone...and this was over TEN years ago! So his 'FREEDOM' cost her more SUFFERING... so when it comes to the 'big picture' (read 'karma balances' overall--do you want to owe any in the hereafter?) make sure you get Creator in your court when you can.

There are a lot of blessings at the end of life. Some people spend their energy and purpose in easing the Transition of those who need it the most.  It is inspiring to us all.


Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,

Reiki Doc



P.S. for synchronicity--I've had this post rattling around inside for two days--and my friend and Reiki student also published this--and she is thousands of miles away, and we don't really keep in contact much <3  http://thewaytotheway.com/the-cure-for-death/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-cure-for-death
(Dis-Ease is energy imbalance, disharmony in the energy body that develops into physical illness if left uncorrected)

Acceptance

I fed the snake today.

I have a snake. My boy wanted it as 'his' pet when he was five. I have what has been called a 'zoo', a 'menagerie'--I love animals and I am horribly allergic to cats, and dogs if they live inside. I have a bird, a turtle, and a fish in addition to the snake. Well, and some 'boarder' mice too. The child took care of everything for the cockatoo for two months before I bought the snake four years ago, to show he had responsibility and maturity to have him. That was the last I have seen of either character trait with the pets ever since--just like all parents discover--the novelty wears off quick.

Cecil is a ball python. He is very good-natured. I have written about him before.

I hate to feed him.

He eats live mice and rats. He is very picky--only fresh mice straight from the pet shop. The ones I've 'boarded' for a while don't 'smell' like mice. They smell to the snake like the bird, because they share the same room. So he won't eat them.

The good thing about the snake not eating some of the mice, is that the bird has some company. This morning I had five mice--all of them male, but in the past we have had the 'miracle of life' by accident...

For some reason today, I was having an exceptionally difficult time with the mice in the snake feeding box. I had three I brought from the pet ship this afternoon. I literally was shaking and making the transition symbol on them in their little bin, before one by one, they each went to snake.

I had to close the top on the box so I didn't have to look at them when the snake struck.

I am shown each mouse in spirit after it dies.

I am reassured that it is okay. The person who is with them has them wave to me. They smile...all of them smile, and wave--the spirit guide...and the recently transitioned mice.

It happened today.

Then I remembered why I hate so much to watch death...that's how Ross left me.

It was the worst thing I ever could have experienced. The wounds are deep. And they have stayed with me many lifetimes.

I cried while I was feeding snake.

I cried because of this world of death. And I begged to never have to experience the horror of witnessing anything die ever again! I begged everyone.

What was different, is that behind Ross--he's the one who smiles and shows the me dead mice--this time was a row of about twelve people in robes. Bearded people. SaLuSa was there too.

And I shared how this was never part of the plan, to have things keep on dying.  Even though the snake must live, I love him and don't want him to go hungry--the whole downside of Duality is the horrific way that so many 'leave' the Illusion.

And I cried over Ross. How I felt powerless. And guilty. With my intuition I had foretold this to him many a time, but he was steadfast in his efforts, and would not listen to my guidance to him in our last life together on earth.

Then it happened. The fourth mouse, was one from the 'boarders'. The snake quickly coiled and it died with minimum suffering...

He didn't eat it.

The snake killed one mouse, a 'friendly' mouse, and kept looking all over the cage for a 'better mouse'.

I had to take its corpse outside.  It's spirit told me it wanted to be buried with the compost.

I honored its wish.

When I was about to throw it in the hole, and cover it, it had one last word with me:  make new Life!

Then I really started crying because 'God takes away everything I ever loved and God does not want me to be happy!' I also said that I didn't understand! I would never understand! And it is horrible and pointless and painful suffering that has to stop at once!

I know this is total bullshit--with my logic and my spiritual experience as a medium. But the emotional wounds are just as fresh as ever. I love God. But I also have hit my limit in the 'growth department' on this 'lesson' a really really long time ago. I also saw quite clearly that those who had advised Ross on our son, were those behind his death, and that they knew exactly how to destroy my heart as they had studied me on the timelines...I asked God how this evil can exist?! And why didn't He put a stop to it a long time ago?

Ross asked me to sit on the porch swing. I lay down on it, on my back. SaLuSa told me something, but I started to get upset. I think it was about the necessity of Transition for the delicate ecosystems. It was logic, to make me feel better. Ross gently stepped in.

He talked to me of acceptance. Do you accept I wanted to die? Do you accept I thought of you, when I asked that maybe I wouldn't have to die? Do you accept how I looked when I died? When I died, I was up, above, and even though I was talking and you could hear me after a point I didn't feel--I was safe. (As his twin, I felt everything too. And the worst was when I felt his energy go silent--I felt not only everything leading up to his death, but his actual passing, too, and his soul was gone for the first time where I could not feel it. There is no worse torture for a Twin.)

He asked, do you still love me?

Do you still love me in death? Do you still love me that I did what I did to our boy? Do you love me through the pain that you experienced? Do you love me still? Do you love me through everything?

I said yes softly to every question he asked...

He held me a long time.

Then he told the people who were watching us, to make it so I would never have to be reminded of his death again. He explained to them that I've had enough. And I accepted it, that outcome, his leaving me through a horrific, painful, torturing death. It was time for everyone to move on. Out of respect for what we have experienced as a couple, and as Twins (it is never easy to watch a Twin die)--could I be given that consolation to be able to move ahead with our new life, unencumbered?

The answer from the twelve was 'yes'.

For all it's worth, I feel better.

I was given a lot of healing by the twelve after Ross got me through my last lesson, as in, my most recent one, not my last lesson I will ever learn or anything.

I think it's important to write this.

For other people and their Twin Souls are going to have this kind of healing to go through, as well.



Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,

Reiki Doc

Our Truce

Dear Papa? (this is what I call Father-God)

I thank you for finding me yesterday in Spirit, and for the beautiful box of crystal with my favorite raspberry chocolates inside. Thank you for eating one to keep me company, and for letting me have a second one and saying it would not make me fat.

You've never come to see me before like this. Usually I come to You. It makes me feel loved that you would make the effort to reach out to me like you did.

I want to talk to You about Your last three Heavenletters--just a little feedback to help you know how to connect to us better...okay?

1. two days ago (http://sirianheaven.wordpress.com/2014/03/21/heavenletter-4864-your-reception-of-the-world-march-20-2014/) Thank you Papa for showing us HOW to end suffering!!! It is my dearest wish and my dream come true to hear You speak these words to us right now! Big hugs all around for this happy message! (I look Him gently in the eye, looking up to him and making contact) Because you have never experienced pain, or Time, let me share something with you...when something hurts it takes some time for us to recover from the shock and the disorientation that the trauma creates in our experience. We have to go from stunned to some reaction (anger, tears) to realizing that reaction isn't working or making us feel better. I have cried many tears only to realize they accomplish nothing, and my horrible Life Situation isn't any better and nothing magic was going to make that bad part go away. I surrendered and asked for guidance from Above. It was slow, and I barely noticed it while it was happening, but I got better and it worked. Much as we would like to, no one is going to fall, skin their knee, feel the pain, look at the dirt and blood, and say, 'Wow! I just had a BLESSING!' Most would just cry out for help from their parents. And it would not be easy for most to get right back up on that bike again until they were good and ready. As long as we are honest about how the whole things works, Father-God, You on Your end and us down here on ours...then we can be on the same page and work together as One. I am all for seeing things through Your eyes, Papa. It's just we have so much clouding our vision here that we want you to know we are 'getting there' and doing the best we possibly can given the circumstances.
2. yesterday (http://sirianheaven.wordpress.com/2014/03/21/heavenletter-4865-get-unstuck-from-your-past-march-21-2014/)   Well. Um? Well. It's all very scientific, and very rational, Papa. And very practical too. But sometimes when you speak of love, I just don't feel it. On Earth, there is always a 'feeling' that accompanies a thought, and we receive both. Maybe it's just the veil doing its thing, Papa. Let's take that thing down, shall we? Letting go of the past is the BEST THING I ever did. I can appreciate my mother, get rid of guilty obligations to others, and fully concentrate on the NOW. Thanks so much for making this important point for all of us to see.
3. today  (http://sirianheaven.wordpress.com/2014/03/22/heavenletter-4866-hark-the-herald-angels-march-22-2014/) --you have a point here. With me and Ross, it took a superhuman amount of effort for me (I own it) to get over our past. Last night, in meditation and healing with another who we were helping to cross to the Light, Ross was very quiet. When I got back to him, he was sitting on the ground, with his face in his knees and his arms around his leg, in fetal position, crying and sobbing. Papa? If I had never done what you asked, and let go of the past, and healed on my own, poor Ross would have never had the chance to heal from our emotional wounds himself. In my comments of gratitude to the dear soul who was about to Transition to her new celestial life, thanking her for the 'gentle goodbye' I wished with all my heart I had those thousands of years ago...and how much it helped me to be able to love my man again with my whole heart...apparently Ross had overheard. He never thought twice about what tremendous stress he put my heart through with his demise--and he looked up at me as I comforted him, and asked for my forgiveness. I forgave him instantly Father-God. So I agree about three things you mention in this post--Live In The Moment, Don't Look Back, and Look For The Blessings--as well as the part about the power of Manifestation...to monitor our random thoughts. You come across as more loving this time, but there is one part you might want to use as a growing point: it's no one's fault because they are doing the best they can. It almost sounds a little 'guilty' and I want you to be extremely careful when you are talking to us 'down here' because already we are a little intimidated by 'You Up There' because of the vibrational differences. Thank you Father-God for the tremendous changes in your tone and message over the last three days. I KNEW this is the You that always exists, and I am happy for the rest of the world to appreciate you and know you like I do--with your Best Foot Forward, energetically, in the most appealing and helpful way to us.

Anyhow, Father-God, today is another day. It is very beautiful out. I wish there was more sun, you know how I enjoy summer! Alas, it is Spring and it is one of those few 'cooler' days we have out here in California. I ask you to bless my day, and to be close and guiding me the whole time.

I'd like to see my mother today. I really love her, And she really loves me, even though she compares me to just about everyone else and makes me feel a little icky about this. I know it's her way. I will be the bigger person. But if she lets loose with one of her comments that really hurts? Like she always has? I'm going to stay in the moment NOW, count the BLESSINGS, purge the FEAR out of my mind, and just in case anything hurts, come running back to you.

Here's one of my new favorite songs, too.  I want to share it. Half the fun is being able to share things we like with each other down here on Earth. I hope one day You might share something You enjoy with us too.

Ten Feet Tall by AfroJack

http://youtu.be/xIT0sFBEm2w

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Peace,

Reiki Doc

We Debride (pronounced de-breede)

This post is not for the faint-hearted. Not in body. Not in spirit. It is going to have some images that are medical, so if you gross-out easily, you might want to pass on this. Because I am a medically-trained person, I 'think' in medical terms. I am going to describe what's in spirit that to me, seems like what goes on in the physical.

I am also going to make the pictures less 'graphic' at the beginning and let them become more so as we work our way down.

Most of us know what to do in this situation. When there is a minor cut or scrape, the first thing that we do is clean the wound. We would never put a dressing (bandage) on something that has not been cleaned first, or else it would get infected.

This is how wounds heal...with the physical body...on the Earth.

Wounds hurt. (this one is a fake one--I've seen many wounds and this one doesn't look 'right'--it is just for the camera.

But as you can see in this picture, there is special equipment that medically trained people use to 'make everything right' and to optimize the conditions for healing to take place.

We consciously seek these people out to make sure that the conditions are right for our bodies to mend, to heal, to restore balance where the wound once has been.

This is a real wound. It's not fresh. You can see at the edges there is proof of dried clot or 'scab' formation. The inside is healing. It takes time for a wound like this to heal. Many times when I am in the Operating Room with a trauma patient, there are wounds like this on the head and arms that I tend to while the surgeons operate. I don't want the family to see their loved one looking like they have been through something and we didn't care enough to clean them up a little. As I watch the monitors and the patient, I gently wipe and cleanse each spot I find that needs it. I have done this my entire career.

As an intern in general surgery, I used to irrigate the wounds and deride them, picking out little square pieces of glass and small pieces of asphalt that had embedded themselves under the skin.

I also learned, when there is infection, or lack of blood flow in some cases, or just plain damage like in a burn, you need to cut away everything that is not-viable, all the way until you get to a deeper layer of skin that oozes and bleeds--only this can support granulation or 'new tissue growth'.

 (This is fake, too. It's not real. The pattern of the blood looks very hollywood, and so does the surroundings.)

In my line of work I have seen burns over ninety percent of the body. I have seen the pilot of an airplane who crashed at a local air show and was life-flighted to us. I have seen a bicycle rider who has been hit by a large truck. I have seen a one year old with its hand stuck in a meat grinder. I have seen a ten year old with a almost severed arm. I have seen gunshot wounds, stab wounds, impalements and brain oozing out where it shouldn't.

Yes almost all of these can heal.

They heal because it is time for it to happen, there is help, there is training, there is equipment, there are the necessary supplies, there is patience, there is courage and persistence on the part of the family and their loved ones, and there is the expectation that all is going to be well.

In this blog, with my own shared experiences as an example, I model what it is like to search out what it is in the soul that is not viable, and to go 'into the wound' enough to 'debride' it, with the faith that it will heal.

The last few months have been incredibly intense times for me to negotiate, to reconnect, and to heal with my very own Twin Soul, My Illuminated Twin Flame, Ross.

Together we have been through all of our 'conflicts', and although we love each other very much there has been an incredible amount of healing between us that we simply needed to do.

One of these areas where this manifests as 'infection' in my soul is my hatred of suffering. I argue with God, and I get in His face, and say, 'this isn't necessary' and I further state that 'I completely disagree with the so-called beauty of free will that allows suffering in any way'.

I have always had a very strong reaction to suffering. I don't like to see things that are broken, hurt, damaged, or not whole in any way.  It deeply affects me. And this has something to do with a past life, the one I once shared with my beloved sweet precious Ross, and it carries with me to this day.

Anyhow, I am beginning to see The Divine's Side Of Things.

Last night, even though we are technically 'married', Ross got down on one knee and proposed. I said 'yes!'. I said, 'I will marry you upside-down, I will marry you under the water, I will marry you while skydiving, I will marry you anywhere, any time...and yet, if in the future, for your happiness, you ask me to leave, I will forsake my own happiness to ensure you have the right to follow your own. That is how much I love you.'

And a bell went off in my mind--why would I elect to suffer at my own expense because I love another? 

Today, I was talking with Ross, about how I am so very ready to 'come up' to wherever he is right now--some higher vibration. But I caught myself. I realized how devastated my family would be if I were to go. I heard myself saying to Ross, 'I can't leave my family--it will be too difficult for them--I will stay and suffer for however long it takes until we can all of us be together again.'

That little bell in my mind went off again.

I thought about the heroes who sacrifice themselves to save others.

I thought about the Earth Angels who put themselves into horrible situations on Earth to Shine Light.

Then tonight I finally learned the lesson.

My computer with all of the baby photos on it died. I had back up with an encrypted storage device.

I forgot the password. Even through I have the family photos, as well as my novel, and my certificates in PDF format on that backup, I can't get retrieve them.

Last week, by accident, my son found the booklet with the password in a sudoku book right before bedtime. I knew the cleaning people were coming, so I put it in a 'safe place'.

I don't recall where I put it.

Today I went to the Apple store to find out what my options are.

Long story short--no password, no retrieval--no matter what.  So we searched the house tonight. I went to look one last place, and it wasn't there.

I started to cry quietly. My son has seen me cry three times. When my father died. When my nana died. And now when I lost all of the family pictures--the baby pictures.

He was concerned. He told me to think happy thoughts.

I felt like throwing up. And in that agony, I felt The Divine 'nudging me' as if to say, 'I am HERE'.
and 'I am the Healer of All Things' and 'Let GO'.

I cried a few more tears, and surrendered. There was nothing more I could do.

Soon, after, my son went upstairs, and paused for a minute on the landing. He asked, 'How much does it cost to buy a new password mom?' He came downstairs and offered me thirty-five dollars of his own money--just about everything he had--to help me 'buy a new password'.  He asked why all the baby pictures are so important to me, and said 'we can take new pictures of me now.'

Out of the mouths-and hearts--of babes! There you have it--nurturing, warmth, love and compassion...

I still don't understand it, but there is something to that 'surrendering' part. I've noticed in my own life when I have completely given up, the very things I was distraught over their not happening, suddenly happen. I don't 'get it', but I 'notice' this pattern. Have you ever noticed it too?

In Life, we never quite know if we are the blossom, or we are the bud.

We can't 'sense' it.

But in our Life's Journey, it is important that we embrace those negative experiences we'd rather not have 'met' in the first place.

The things that are troubling us and causing us pain in our spirit, are like the wounds we get from traumatic accidents.

It is important to work through them, with faith, in some Divine Being that is the Healer of All things, to let go, and to trust in the process that we shall be whole once more.

Why is there suffering?

I don't know.

All I know is that sometimes people who love someone else very much will elect to suffer to spare them their life or their pain.

And in some ways, pain shows us something that we otherwise might not see--about ourselves, and about others--who are important to us in our lives.

Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,

Reiki Doc

P.S. I woke up to a bible quote today. I never do. But Spirit was telling me about Love. It was 1 Corinthians 13--

1 Corinthians Chapters

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1 Though I command languages both human and angelic -- if I speak without love, I am no more than a gong booming or a cymbal clashing.

2 And though I have the power of prophecy, to penetrate all mysteries and knowledge, and though I have all the faith necessary to move mountains -- if I am without love, I am nothing.

3 Though I should give away to the poor all that I possess, and even give up my body to be burned -- if I am without love, it will do me no good whatever.

4 Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited,

5 it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances.

6 Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth.

7 It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.

8 Love never comes to an end. But if there are prophecies, they will be done away with; if tongues, theywill fall silent; and if knowledge, it will be done away with.

9 For we know only imperfectly, and we prophesy imperfectly;

10 but once perfection comes, all imperfect things will be done away with.

11 When I was a child, I used to talk like a child, and see things as a child does, and think like a child; but now that I have become an adult, I have finished with all childish ways.

12 Now we see only reflections in a mirror, mere riddles, but then we shall be seeing face to face. Now I can know only imperfectly; but then I shall know just as fully as I am myself known.

¹³ As it is, these remain: faith, hope and love, the three of them; and the greatest of them is love.

Breaking Vows to Find Peace, Warmth, Nurturing and Compassion

Three little Buddhas. Three little Buddhas in an image that rocked the internet--their joy is palpable! Contagious! And a reminder of our Birthright to Joy.

Although 'Joy' is my name ('Gioia'--nana called me this), and although 'Joy' is the name of my Guardian Angel ('Laetari')...although 'Joy' is my sacred totem ('Hummingbird') in Native American Medicine--I have lived in 'Solitary Confinement' for most of my life on Gaia.

It is 'Emotional' Solitary confinement. Today, as I first awakened, I heard a voice, 'You are going to have a miracle that is beyond anything you ever did expect (in relationship)'.

These 'voices' upon 'waking up' are the most accurate messages I have from Source. For example, one day the message was 'wear lots of black'. I dressed myself and my family accordingly. And on that day, in early afternoon, I got the call that 'Dad is not doing so good, come quick'. Although he had been on Palliative Care, his death was unexpected and sudden. People noticed our apparel color was 'right for the occasion'. It was that obvious...

My trauma began when I was four. Five neighbors brutally raped me, smothering me with a pillow. As I felt the terrible burning pain in my body, the being held against my will, the panic, the powerlessness, and lack of air, I recall having two thoughts: 1) I want to be home more than anything else in the whole wide world right now, and 2) This is what it is like to die...

As the mother made them stop, I 'came to' while sitting in their kitchen sink and having her wash me. I had soiled myself with urine and  feces in my fright. She quietly took care of me, not saying a word. I felt gratitude for her being a woman, for understanding my suffering, and for making my world 'right' after the terrible attack. I felt love for her compassion, and thanked God for sparing my life.

I was so tiny, that she held my hand and went to watch me cross the street. She knelt down, looked me in the eye, and said, 'You must never say a word of this to anyone about what you have done. You have done a very bad thing!'

At four, I looked her in the eye as my fragile world she had so carefully reconstructed crashed down upon my soul, and I made my first vow: I said that I would not tell.

____________________________________________________________

Tonight is the big award show mother used to look forward to. I grew up on Oscar Night staying up, having snacks we normally could not afford to eat, and listening to thank you speech after acceptance speech. I will take this moment to express gratitude for my being released from my 'Soul Cage of Misperception' and to Heaven for 'Breaking My Vow' with the gentleness of a Spring breeze from the islands filled with wonderful floral scent.

_________________________________________________________

You are my mirrors. All of you. And I owe it to you to help me see. Thank you to the string of terrible failed relationships with emotional cripples. I now see that you have perfectly mirrored the emotional scars that were borne unwillingly in me.

Thank you for the new friend, and fellow PTSD survivor, who had lost your hearing to assault from an autistic patient and was considering caring for a new autistic client who 'hit his own mom'. Your asking me for advice on your situation helped me see the absurdity of seeking essentially the same conflict that had caused grave injury to you. Your decision to trust in God to meet your needs allowed me to let go of the bars of my emotional prison.

To the one that took a vow of silence willingly for twelve years, I learned how in doing so you have 'spoken' for the plight of animals that have suffered at the hands of ignorant, selfish mankind for so long that man has made a 'business' or 'agri-industry' based on their systematic destruction. In your vow of silence for all beings who have suffered, combined with your Life Work to raise awareness to this fact, you have unwittingly shone the Light on humans who have suffered at the hands of men. Your silence, and how you compensate to communicate in a world where speaking is essential, is a perfect mirror for my plight I had no idea I had been suffering.  My heart was stifled by my 'vow'--as if my speaking freely from the depths of my heart would break the 'deal' I had made to only 'toe the line' and 'reach for Conditional Love'. How can love exist between two people when the heart of one is caged in silence and cannot 'speak' except through writing? I now see and can heal from this terrible 'vow' I had made as an innocent four-year old girl!

To my children, for loving me unconditionally, and for being Here and Now for me to Unconditionally Love. To you I have held nothing back! The day-to-day Healing I experienced in my role as parent and guide helped so much to heal my childhood wound without my realizing it.

To my Nana Angelina, my godmother and grandmother, for your smile of joy as I gently stroked your cheek yesterday in your 'home that is small' as you call it--the nursing home for you to spend the rest of your days, your shared room...the 'hospital where you have to tell people you have to poop', where 'this is not caffe--it is TERRIBLE' (Italian coffee is no comparison to thickened Folger's with creamer and sugar)....As I stroked your cheek you said, 'I like it'. I looked you in the eye and asked, 'Do you know how much we love you?' I scooped you up in the biggest hug, gently, as you are so thin you might break. I let go and you smiled beaming, looking at myself and your beloved great grandchildren in the eye, and said 'I know'. As I was with her, I felt the 'ice' in my soul starting to thaw, and I was 'present' in the 'Here and Now' with Her, my gentle mirror. When everything fails, both the body and the mind, the only thing that is left is the capacity for Unconditional Love.

I give thanks to you, each and every one of you, who acted in the role of 'My Blessed Mirror'. It is not a 'card' or 'flag' of 'Relationship Woes' that I accepted before birth that kept me suffering in the quest for 'Second Rate Conditional Love'. It was an agreement to experience a 'Cage of My Own Misunderstanding'.  The brutal trauma I experienced as a child set the stage for a lifetime of suffering. Until today I did not know that hanging around my neck there was the key. This morning, I used it and walked out of that prison!

For all of you who are 'out there', and truly suffering from Lack of any kind--lack of love, abundance, understanding, knowledge, Lovingkindness, joy--I hope with sincerest appreciation that in sharing my story you might discover that you, too, have long held the key to your own joy and freedom in your heart center.

Namaste,
In Love and Joy and Enlightenment,
In Heaven that which is not mutually beneficial--that 'tie' just does not exist. There is no 'marriage vow' to 'marriage of convenience'--everyone is free to go and there are no hard feelings. The vow of celibacy--which is a particularly 'sticky' one that can flow from lifetime to lifetime--is dissolved. The vows of 'revenge' , 'honor', and 'winning at all costs' simply do not exist in the Higher Realms.
This is what is written, if you study the great literature of the heart and the Ascended Masters.

Namaste, Aloha, and Mahalo for each and every one of you for who you are and what you have done for me, : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) <3

Reiki Doc

Cruelty is a Toxin

This is your native state of existence: rainbows and butterflies, in harmony with Nature.

Any step away from that is not healthy for you. Both on an energetic level and a physical level, you will take a step toward imbalance. And when imbalance becomes a habit, sometimes the entire energy body and physical body can't 'bounce back into balance'. Physical and mental illness is the result.

How do you feel when your foot goes down and you hear the crunch of a snail's shell as you step?

Does it make you cringe? Does it make you laugh? Do you not give it a second thought?

Now is the time to examine our choices that we make. Although 'everyone is doing it' might seem like a proper answer, the questions are being asked only of you.

• 'Will you continue to permit pain and suffering on a global level on our planet?'
• 'Will you look the other way when another creature suffers?'
• 'What can you do, in your own way, to relieve suffering in your midst?'

The answer will depend on the situation you are in, I know.

But when you cross to The Other Side, you are going to see the answer of your lifetime of choices. It will be plainly and painfully clear if you have erred on the side to support cruelty. 

And you will make choices to balance your Karma in your next life experience.

The judge, lawyer, and jury is you. Why not start to examine your self better today? So you may have an easier time of it at the End.

Namaste,

Reiki Doc

'

Dear Patient

Dear Patient,

I want you to know that I love you.

In the almost three weeks I have spent without you, I discovered something important. You see, when I left to have my operation, I thought that I would be comfortable the rest of my life if I never saw you or took care of you again. I was that sick of being a shoulder you could cry on. I was that tired of being just another cog in the industrial medical complex.

In my experience as patient, I grew. I saw your horrors first hand. I saw bewilderment, as different people told me different things, and many did not do what they said they would do. My warm blanket never came. People did not hook me back up to the monitor. No one really cared that I was sick to my stomach or felt weak. It was like an assembly line, and I was just another product being processed through the system.

I saw the world through your eyes.

Isn't it humbling, the great equalizer of all, the hospital gown, and having to wear it?

That quiet call in my heart as I was home myself, recovering, it was for you. For all my life, my calling has to become a doctor. I jumped through many hoops to get through the training. It was my dream come true, in my heart. Being a doctor 'is not like on T.V.' my mother and I say to ourselves, It is an inside joke.

But I missed the part of me that can be there for you.

Last night, as I reflected on my first day back, at L&D, I thought about my patients. The husband, who after asking his questions on behalf of his wife, said, 'I put my trust in you'. When I got to the room, I was surprised, for she was writhing in pain and screaming with each contraction. When I left the room, she was quietly resting, with her head on the pillow and a half smile on her face. The look in your eyes of gratitude made me feel the struggle to get to be her anesthesiologist, all those years, was worthwhile.

We later went to c-section, your baby did not fit. And everything worked out for the best. Your child is beautiful and watching the birth was something I was lucky to be able to do. You do not know it but I was praying for her and you the whole time, with a thing called Reiki.

The first-time mom, with the excellent control of the pain for her contractions, got a 'set it and forget it' epidural. Inserted at eight cm dilation, she sat back with a smile, and every time I checked she gave me a big thumbs up. The entire family, from husband to grandma to auntie, were glad for the gift of taking away the terror of contractions of childbirth.

And the last, you were in the ER. A terrible spinal headache. You simply could not take the pain any more. I did a blood patch. You didn't believe me, but you knew you were there and there were no other options, so you took it. One hour later, when you sat up, the look of relief on your face, and that of your husband's, made my day. I knew the agony of post-dural puncture headache all too well. And I feel a great satisfaction when I resolve it, doing what I have been taught to do.

For you see, when I treat your pain and suffering, I treat my own.

And the world is a better place because of our interaction.

Be free and be well.

Namaste,

Reiki Doc