It has taken some time to emotionally process a loss I should have processed a long time ago. But survival and avoidance have a way of displacing that. Softly, in the background, just like my anti-virus software on my computer, protection and progress has happened in my heart.
It feels deadened, the painful memories. When I remember them, I think, 'that was hard' and 'that was really difficult' but nothing more. Gone is the need to almost vomit, gone is the gut-wrenching agony I remembered as if it was yesterday.
Now what?
I talk with my teams. Last night before I went to sleep I was asked, 'what would you like?'
I didn't know.
Honest.
I struggled.
So easily my thoughts go to gratitude. Yesterday I found our backyard turtle had flipped during a long work shift. One the back for the whole night plus who knows how many hours during the day. The terrified turtle had peed everywhere--Mojave Desert Tortises hold their urine most of the time they have quarts of it. Pee was dried on the cement and all over the poor creature. Poop as well. I was so thankful I stopped to check after putting the food plate out for the day. I scrubbed and washed and soaked the turtle, not once but twice because soaking helps them get their moisture back and fill that urine tank inside the shell. Winter is coming and before 'hibernation' (brumation is the proper term) they need to be very healthy and prepared.
Gently, I was reminded the question was, 'what do YOU want to have happen indefinitely in the the future?'
Again, I felt gratitude for my work and my home and my hobbies, and I hoped for it to continue. You see, baseline 'normal' for me is for horrible things to happen, life-shattering things, because of the imprint from Ross's death so many years ago. Expect the worst and be prepared. It is a defensive psychological strategy. So...I am being gently asked to let that go, and to be more 'proactive' towards love and happiness I suppose?
I want to have pancakes this morning. I thawed the batter. And last night I wanted an easy dinner, one I had made, that I didn't have to put in a lot of effort. I thawed a frozen leftover, bangers and mash, and then put it in the oven to cook. Yesterday I wanted to read. I did not have the chance but today I will. Small, day to day things, I am just starting to be able to handle. After adulting and also through getting myself into my work, and especially after being a parent, my life had been driven by a 'to do' list, and by fighting any fires that needed to be addressed.
I had two particularly nasty fires to be put out recently. One involved a survey on the computer that was mandated by the government that I had been asked to do in early June and I had put off. The other was a question from the IRS regarding the 2024 taxes. Both are done in record time now that I set my mind to it!
The suggestion from Spirit was to spent the day tending to the garden. I love that. My garden isn't beautiful in the traditional sense. But it is beautiful to me. Things grow, and I am excited about them. My plan was to have a garden that is like nature, it re-seeds itself and changes with the seasons. I did get the nudge to put flowers all in the border by the fence, and to keep things that grow in the planter boxes. I sensed to take the compost out of the compost bins and spread it certain places to prepare the flower beds.
What do I want in the more distant but still not too far future? A nice Christmas. For good happy times with my family and friends. To exercise on a more regular basis (today since I am off I am going to walk after meals). I had been told by Spirit earlier in the year to go to the beach as often as possible, and I did not go even one time. The swells have been really strong this season, there have been drownings and people being swept out to sea, so perhaps my doing things closer to home is justified? Hopefully I can start going and walking at the beach again this autumn.
Hearts break.
Mine has been completely broken for millennia. I am talking not just pieces but crushed powder not too different from cremation residue! I don't have to carry it that way any longer, my teams do not want me to and it is clearly no longer required of me. But it is there. While I was helping the turtle yesterday, I was talking to it. I sat for a while next to it in the sunshine and shared how worried I had been and how happy I was it was still alive. I changed the wood pile it had been climbing so it can't climb. I also reached out to knowledgeable people, and learned that male turtle do this, they go a little crazy in mating season and get themselves into trouble exactly like mine. When I was soaking and scrubbing the turtle in the afternoon when it was warmer to get the last residues of nastiness off him, I was singing and totally immersed in his care. I set him on the ground and used the wet rag to take water from the washtub and sprinkle it on him like rain, over and over and over, singing the whole time. Just everyday tunes I changed a little to fit the situation, putting in words like 'turtle' and 'soaking' where they would fit. I also told him the story of how his old mom was my first friend from the block, and she had to move all the way to Texas. That is why she asked me to take him, and I care for him for her as well as for him.
There is a lot of love in my heart.
I think that is what hurt the most when Ross died. It stopped flowing. Our situation changed. The connection was always there between us, it cannot be broken. It was sad when things soured between us at the end of our time together. It was horrifying to learn what he was capable of in the middle of our time together (telling me me my newborn son had died in childbirth and sending him off to be raised by strangers to protect his legacy, and more). There was so much pain in my existence! Being a woman was not the best, Ross had been most kind and generous in treating me as an equal, a partner, and sharing what he knew as a friend to me. More so in the early times, when it was just the two of us. But to have it stop when words were unsaid was cruel. Even in the depths of mourning and despair, in the panic of trying to keep my family alive and in hiding from those who sought to unalive us, and in the shock trauma of the soul ever since, the truth is, I never stopped loving him. I only stopped being able to express it.
There has been a lot of work on me learning to find my voice. To celebrate who I am after our life together where I was basically in the shadows to everyone but him. And later, to him too. His life took on its own meaning and being paired with me was not even a second thought. I was there like a chair or a pot or a candle, my heart had no bearing on what he did. After the inevitable, life went on. I struggle. Even though I am struggling, this stretch it is without the burden of the old pain. I struggle like an infant learning to walk. I fall regularly. Then I get up and do the same things again, a little better. One day I will walk. And after that I will run!
What brings me joy is being connected to others with my heart. My patients. My colleagues. My family and friends. These connections fill what was once empty and devastated beyond recognition. The pancakes are now calling me. I hope you don't mind if now I go. Thank you for your caring and reading. Your heart is the sweetest part of the aftermath of Ross' going away. It has sustained me for millennia. May all blessings from Spirit rest upon you. It has been a long journey for us both. You have been there the whole time. I always knew and responded to your presence in my life (lives). I am sorry I was in too much pain at times to let you know before now how much I love you back. Thank you for loving me.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The couple who is eternally wed
