When I was five mother and dad took me to the local Y to learn how to swim. There was no explanation of what to expect. All I knew was that I liked to be in the water so I could play. I had enjoyed my time with mother and dad in the shallow end playing and swimming under the water just a little bit. Dad could really swing me around on the surface of the water in a huge circle, making even BIGGER waves, much to my delight.
All there was in this pool was me, and some lady. She smiled a lot. She showed me how to move my arms.
But the lesson I will never forget is how she kept telling me to swim to her.
I would go the distance and somehow I couldn't reach her.
I didn't understand it at the time, but now I do: she kept stepping back.
I saw the other side of the pool behind her, and she made me swim to it.
'Oh! Look! You did it! Wow! You swam all the way across all by yourself!' she said, making a big fuss.
That was bullshit.
I hated it then. I hate it now.
Say yes when you mean yes, say no when you mean no, and don't give me a load of B.S. like that again.
I was so upset I didn't even want the candy from the vending machine mother and dad offered to 'celebrate' with.
It was a lie, pure and simple.
I don't work like that.
Why do I bring this up?
Spirit is trying to get me to 'swim across the pool', more or less. I am working on new levels of development. I am getting the hang of it.
I am also letting go of a lot of 'misconceptions', with 'misconception' being a polite way of describing a 'comfortable way of being that was also part of the cabal's means of control over me'. As my consciousness keeps rising, I see through the lies. I have changed the way I eat (almost all the way raw vegan), the way I look at my work (I see big pharma behind it), the dream of 'happily ever after' (just look at the wedding industry, and the divorce industry not far behind it), holidays (mithraic ritual PLUS deception that 'all is well'), religion (huge eye opener for this former Catholic), news/magazines/movies/TV/entertainment/video games (I know what the point of those are, and I don't like it!)...
It is a very long list. On my 'heart's desire', I even gave that up. I argued at first. I said, 'God, I have changed SO much why don't you let me have my one stupid dream I have left?! Love is real. So what if I think of it in three-dimensional terms for now? It gives me something to smile about!'
But on walking to pre-op holding, under the beautiful skylight by the automatic double-doors, I gave up.
Okay God, if in this lifetime I am meant to never have an 'other', I am okay with it. I really am. I accept. I won't fight you any more. I am done. There are other ways to be happy. I know that I am loved. As much as a disappointment as it is for me, if it is for the Higher Good, I give it up, right now, for You, no questions asked. If it is my fate to have a twin soul, and to never get to know him, I accept it. I will do the best I can and go on.
You see, my 'twin' is very BIG on getting rid of attachments. I don't think he wants me to even have my shoes attached to my feet! Who cares if I can walk? Attachments are no bueno! Get rid of them!
Yet to my soul, an old soul, and yet, a very California soul--I gave up. Just like in the pool when I was five. I can't win. It's not fair. There is no equal say spirit-wise. I just don't want to swim. Not in this pool.
So I gave up. To myself. To God. To my Twin.
Sometimes when Spirit crosses the line, Spirit backpedals a bit.
Next I heard: You Will Be Happy. I PROMISE you will be happy.
That got my attention. But not for long. Prove it! I say back to the Universe.
Then on the way home, I got a song:
This one means a lot to me. But could it have been a fluke? Then came this immediately after--at ten p.m. on the long road home post-call...
Yes. That's me. Educated up and down the coast, I have lived in L.A. county, Orange County, The Bay Area, AND San Diego.
I am not upset at Spirit any more.
But sometimes, as a growing Soul, when the lesson is too hard or you have had enough, say it!
Even in martial art you get to tap out when you have had enough.
In Spirit you have that right too.
I might get called back in to the O.R. before my regular assignment in the morning. Buona notte and ciao (that means good night and see you later in Italian).