Saturday, November 23, 2013

So Close And Yet So Far

Today I am writing about experience with the passing of my beloved nana Angelina; I will keep it to the most educational 'highlights' for those of you who wish to understand how souls who are deeply connected to one another prepare and go through 'the last goodbye'…

The Week Before:
I get the same signs that someone I know is going to pass/Transition from this world to the next.

  • I get a sense of urgency to visit them and think about them frequently
  • my own energy system 'wobbles' and I have difficulty focusing or accomplishing tasks
  • everyday tasks take on a 'surreal' energy that is hard to describe
  • In this last one, I started eating lots of things I usually do not--sweets, etc.
Mother gave me the news that 'nana wasn't looking so good' on Friday. I dropped everything to be with nana and to check things out as a doctor to make sure I knew what was up.

The Days Of Transition:
Death is like labor in childbirth--it doesn't happen instantly in most cases, although it can. The scenario was that she couldn't swallow and the family did not opt for a feeding tube according to her wishes. Therefore food and water was withheld.
She was hungry and thirsty the whole time!
How do I know? I asked! I also gave her water, which she took eagerly, but it pooled in her mouth and spilled out. 
Here is the clinical scenario for 'no food':
  • there is about twelve hours of sugar stored in the liver as glycogen. This is first 'fuel' in starvation.
  • the body switches over to ketosis, the burning of ketones that come from fat.
  • the body also changes muscle tissue to glucose, in glycogenolysis (the amino acids are metabolized into glucose.)
  • the brain runs on glucose. No glucose, no consciousness, and death.
Here is the clinical scenario for 'no water':
  • kidneys conserve water by retaining sodium
  • the extracellular space gives up water and the patient becomes dehydrated to keep the intravascular volume up.
  • thirst kicks in
  • kidneys fail (this takes about three to four days for the body to have electrolyte imbalance, acidosis, and uremia severe enough for enzymes in biochemical processes to inactivate.)
She didn't understand what was happening to her, she only knew she was suffering.
This is when hospice was consulted, and explained their services.

Hospice works 'best' when there is time in advance to prepare the patient and the family for 'the inevitable'. Most primary care doctors 'call late'. The nurse identified nana as being in the early stages of dying, which I agreed.

Here is the clinical scenario for 'hospice good death':
  • not too much fluids given, they back up in the lungs and cause distress
  • anxiety medication for the trouble breathing that is given as drops that are absorbed by oral mucosa
  • narcotics such as morphine or dilaudid to decrease the respiratory rate and discomfort 
  • cooling measures and tylenol rectally for fever
  • oxygen 
  • suction available for secretions
  • atropine to dry the mouth and secretions (it also increases the heart rate)

The Transition (physical):
  • Pulse is thready, blood pressure is in fifties or unable to measure
  • agonal respirations begin (gasping for air, 'guppy breaths')
  • feet mottle and cool
  • legs mottle
  • hands mottle and cool (I felt it as I held her hand for a long time)
  • chest mottles (dusky blue in all cases of mottling)
  • forehead mottles
  • gag reflex is lost (I could suction with no response--therefore she was unconscious0
  • she went from talking (cortex working) to reflexes and groans (white matter), to breaths (brainstem functioning) to silence
  • after about one hour, the limbs started to stiffen
  • the mottling went away and the skin was pale yellow after death

The Transition (spiritual):

The First Visits:
Visit One: Yesterday while I was at work, she came. She let me know I work a lot harder than she imagined, and she was concerned about my welfare. I almost cried, and she excused her self and promised to come back later that night so I could write and be home.

Visit Two: Last night I was at my favorite restaurant, Au Lac, sitting at the 'bar' which does not serve alcohol but is a good thing for 'party of one' diners like myself.  As I ate my second course, I saw Our Lady very solemn, quiet, and wearing blue. I was like, 'What?' and then I saw movement from her left--it was my nana coming to visit me, and Blessed Mother was her 'guide' in the process. I spoke with my heart, and cried tears of longing and joy at the reconnection. I tried to hide my grief so nana would not be sad. She looked at me as if I was not very good at hiding it, with concern and love, and asked, 'how are you doing?'

I paused. What could I say, horrible? Awful? I wasn't that bad, although I am taking it fairly hard.

'I am healing.' I confessed, 'How are you?'

Bellissima! she shared with a smile; I know she said this so I wouldn't worry about her, and it was also true. I could see and feel her Presence. It resonated with me. My grandfather came, and it was time for them to go.

Ciao! Ciao! they turned to go and gave me that funny wave where you open and close your hand with the palm facing yourself.

I said in my heart, 'Ciao!' and smiled, for in Italian, 'Arrividerci' means 'goodbye' but 'ciao' means 'see you soon'.

Visit Three: At lunch, for this morning I had two early cases, when I came home, the house was empty, and I had a good cry. I was talking to my angels, and guides, and crying.

What is the one thing you want to say to her, they asked?  I don't remember what it was! LOL, I was crying too hard!

Then a wave of peace overcame me. It lasted a short time, and then the tears started again. This time it was because I am a medium, I can't buy the 'we will meet again and say goodbye and move on' story that people who do not speak with the dead story…I didn't know HOW to grieve under the circumstances.

That is when Sylvia Browne showed up.
'I get it, I get it' she consoled.
I hugged her and explained my pain but struggled to find the words.
'So close and yet so far!' she explained the situation to me, much to my relief.
'Did I do okay with helping her as a death midwife?' 
Sylvia said yes.
'Am I doing okay on my lessons with this?'
She said yes, again.
'I have so many regrets, there was not enough time with her! Not enough time for my heart--to enjoy her and be ready for the separation. I was always working.' 
Sylvia hugged me harder, for there was some truth in a soul sharing they had not enough time due to their occupation and assignment.
'Does nana know I love her? Did I show her enough?'
Sylvia said, yes. She shared how it is a unique situation, that although the spirit understands we are still in bodies with human feelings, and that is why she came to comfort me. She had experienced it too, and had not really talked about her life in this part of being psychic in her books--so close and yet so far.

Then she stepped back. Nana told me to sleep a little while, so I did.

Nana was my nurturer. For those of you who have not followed me for much time, my mother is  beautiful woman, but we never really 'clicked' with our hearts. We love each other, but it isn't comforting like it was with nana Angelina. She baby sat me when I was very small. I also had a trauma when I was four, and her Presence is a stabilizing part of my healing from that trauma which gave me PTSD. Although I have healed, her loss has touched deep into my being, my soul, where the scar from this trauma is.

I feel better. I also make it a point to ask for All Divine Assistance when the grief gets to be 'too much'.

All Divine Assistance:
At my work, and online, the situation just got too much for me. Sleep deprived, hungry, overworked, and aching to unload my tears and enjoy some healing from having my nana die while I held her hand on Monday night.

Many of you posted kindnesses on Facebook and Twitter, and I thank you.

Here is what else happened when I put out the call for help to my team:

  • My next surgeon was eating with my boss in the doctors dining room. My boss called the OR and told me to come and eat.
  • As I walked I was overcome with sadness, and just sat, and stared.
  • The nurse who is the only one that visited me twice when I had surgery and was in the hospital walked by, and shared her concern. Then the whole story came out. She advised me to ask a colleague to let me go home. (someone left before me instead of relieving me--I had rights to go home first)
  • The hospital chef walked by, and saw my distress
  • The charge nurse in the O.R. walked by, and had me call the afternoon charge nurse. (there wasn't anything she could do, but to explain the situation and my distress helped)
  • I walked to the doctors dining room, and got salad.
  • My next surgeon ate a dessert so as not to rush me with my salad, and reassured me to take my time.
  • We walked together to the case.
  • My boss said someone was coming in from home to relieve me, so I would not have to do four cases. (I did two)
  • Someone else came and told me to go to sleep.
  • I went to see my friends and eat high vibration Living Food.
  • Ito gave me the 360J healing oil that was specially made for my feelings of abandonment from God and nana. It worked
  • I got home
  • I picked up my son, who is also grieving, and took him to his favorite restaurant
  • The owner was there, and cheered us both up, and reassured us nana is in a better place.

Next time you are at the end of your rope, be sure to ask for ALL DIVINE ASSISTANCE!

The results will impress you.

Aloha and Mahalos,

Reiki Doc

P.S. In the blood flow to the heart, when there is blockage, part of the heart muscle dies. But there is area around it that is 'hibernating' and when blood supply is returned, the scar is less--it heals. A lot of this blood flow is from new smaller blood vessels that grow and bring nourishment to the hibernating heart. With the loss of my nana Angelina, the biggest supply of Love to my energy Heart was cut off, and I was suffering in agony over the loss of this source of Life to my soul. Every kindness, every patience, every blessing, every prayer, has given me the Love I need as 'collateral vessels'. As I heal, my aura will scar where nana's connection used to be, but it will be smaller because of your amazing outreach of kindness and Love to my soul. Mahalo nui loa, to my ohana, for helping me through this difficult time. I also thank Spirit, Sensei Usui, the Ascended Masters, the Archangels, and Faeries for their help from beyond. I feel it, like I do my ohana here incarnated on Gaia, and it makes an incredible difference in my days…