Tuesday, November 19, 2013

360 Joules: Anatomy Of Grief

Drawing by Sara Michelle Blakeley

The etheric cord that connects me to my guardian, my godmother and grandmother, Nana Angelina, has been transformed by her death. The physical connection is imbalanced, as she is not in her body any more.

As a result,   my soul and energy system is hemorrhaging energy. 

The aura closes down to protect, just as the blood vessels and the clotting cascade do in actual physical injury.

I am in shock. In my soul, there has been an energy disruption, an imbalance that is a 'body hit' if you will, and my energy system is reeling.

There are the memories that come up, for example, something she loved. And I cry.

There is the need to be alone, in nature. I went to the beach this morning. When I saw a pod of dolphins as I prepared to go, I knew they had been sent.

This is the part that no one ever gets to see in my practice of medicine--how once things are 'safe' and 'done' how I fall apart at home. I cry when one of my patients dies. It really upsets me. Plus every fiber of norepinephrine in my nervous system has been 'drained', and I am shaken from the sudden emergency in the O.R. It will take one day for those 'reserved' of 'adrenaline-type neurotransmitters in my peripheral nervous system' to replenish. I am 'done'.

With Nana, I had the mental, the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual 'perfect storm'.

What did I do about it? 

I saw my gay boyfriend Ed. He feels the same about his grandmother Delia, who passed three years ago. She was his rock, she raised him, she was his foundation. 

Ed nurtured me. He works in hospice too. He said my Presence was the nicest gift I could give her.

Next, I went to the RAW vegan restaurant where I am loved and cared about, and set about to jack my vibration way the heck UP. It's the only way to deal with these situations. I took in water, tea and soup to help assimilate the energies that are disrupted from my loss.

The music was wonderful. I don't understand how it is always perfect, when it is satellite radio restaurant station or whatever…I heard La Vie En Rose, such a lovely mix of it, and French sounding music that made me feel like I was 'home' in the French Countryside again. And the food!

But when I spoke with my friends who work there, I fell apart. First it was the concern from the owner's daughter. Next it was the pretty flowers on the plate with the chocolates.  And last it was my friend Chef Ito. In the presence of such calm, I was my core self again. The words tripped out as I tried to explain through the tears what happened. He listened. And he said, 'I have something for you.'

Let me explain:
  • my energy was not in a healthy 'rhythm'. I will make an example using electricity in the heart, or EKG.
  • Normal sinus rhythm has that shape you see all the time, little bump (p wave), line, big UP DOWN UP (QRS complex), line, then little bump (T wave). 
  • When my energy is 'right' it 'flows' like a healthy EKG 'flows' in its own way.
  • Sometimes the electricity travels through the heart 'funny'--it drops a beat, it gets irregular, too fast, too slow…
  • Most of the time those are 'compatible with life'.
  • The bad one is a bunch of wiggly lines, with no organized 'beat'. This is Ventricular Fibrillation.
  • Here is a primer--from an ER doc--on ACLS if you want to 'see' the rhythm. It's on page 7 http://www.ucdenver.edu/academics/colleges/medicalschool/departments/surgery/education/GrandRounds/Documents/GRpdfs/2008-2009/7-28-08%20Nordenholz.pdf
  • The heart that is fibrillating looks like it is filled with wiggling worms.
  • There is no cure for V Fib except electricity. Lots of it. If you don't want to mess around, you charge up the paddles to 360 joules, for an 'unsynchonized mono phasic shock' to 'restart the heart' (this is old-school! current technology is 'biphasic' shock that uses less electricity)
  • This amount of electricity for defibrillation will lift the patient about six inches off the bed
  • It would also kill anybody touching the patient and set fire to the oxygen (we turn O2 off  in preparation for the shock).
This oil I was given was applied to my third eye--I was instructed to put it there.

I didn't know it but it was spiritual 'electricity' for someone who was in 'soul fibrillation'. Warm connection to source like I have never felt washed over my entire being, on all levels. I was calm and still. I don't need to know what it was or how it worked: I felt it.

I got back in 'rhythm' with my soul: the emotional storm cleared and I had clarity again.

I am to put it on every time I cry.  

It doesn't have a name and it's not from a single essential oil.

That's why I am naming it 360J.

We are coming to a time in healing where the 'subtle energies' that are not measurable with a device but are 'felt' and are 'quantum mechanics level' are going to be involved in the healing process. 

Healing will be done with Light (both visible and higher frequency) and sound.

In time, my aura will form a 'callus' and heal. And I will have Nana's memories to sustain me.  All in all I accept it was her time and I am happy for her. But I was a child with her, and remember her warmth and kindness, nurturing and encouragement, her understanding, and her heart connection to my own heart that beats in my chest. I miss it. I have a right to miss it. We are of the same flesh and blood...

Until then, I surrender to the emotions of grief as best as I can. My soul knows what it is doing to heal. 

But when I get hopeless and feel like an orphan because my Spiritual Guardian is not connected to me in the physical?

I take out the little bottle of 360J. 

Thank you Ito. 

Thank you Nana Angelina for the pod of dolphins, and for the glorious sunset. Thank you God and Goddess for the compassion that has been generously shared with me online and in person. The outpouring of love is helping me adjust to the shock of this loss. Your caring touches me deeply, and supports my heart. 

Aloha and Mahalos,

Reiki Doc