I have felt very blocked lately. Between the troubles with my son, who I believe is a 'barometer' of our family situation, of sorts, and my extreme lack of control of my limited free time and overwhelming exhaustion, I asked for Reiki and All Divine Assistance for clear guidance where I am 'stuck'.
I let it go.
I will try to make this as concise as possible:
- I spent a lot of time with Ross today. He even guided me to a fortune cookie that said, Now is the time to go ahead and pursue that love interest! I just relaxed and talked with him and took a nap because I was post-call. I snore something awful, and his being in a completely different dimension 'out of hearing range' or at least 'able to hear and not be bothered by it' really helps!
- I read the editorial by William Lee Rand on page 4 of this issue (http://www.reikiwebstore.com/ProductPage.cfm?ProductID=663&CategoryID=16), and his quote 'The possibilities for life open up and life becomes more meaningful, enjoyable, and worthwhile.' really resonated with my heart center.
- Then I read the article by Tonya McLaughlin in that same issue--called Birthing Our Relations. I had seen her picture before reading the article, in the 'line up of authors/contributors' and her face had resonated too. I took it all in, because she described what I see and feel, spiritually, during birth, when I work in OB Anesthesia.
Ross had me lie down and rest and put down the article. He asked how I felt about it. I said, 'I am happy for them (with tears in my eyes) that they had the perfect Reiki birth looking into each other's eyes with balanced masculine and feminine. I am glad it works for them. It is a beautiful thing, and I share in their happiness.'
He looked down, with a strange look on his face, one that I had never seen before. It was almost annoyance, irritation, and a frown. While looking away, he said, 'That's not what I thought you were going to say.'
I had blindsided him. There was no accusation. There was complete selflessness for my pain. There was total love and acceptance of their good fortune, and giving thanks to God for such a beautiful example of what pure love in a couple can do for their family...
I confided to him about my own pain, which I knew he sensed. I hurt bad, honey... and I showed him this big gaping wound in my soul, like a bomb had exploded, with grey flapping torn edges, it was a crater really, as big as my chest, and very black and deep.
He didn't know that was there.
I asked, Don't you know my energy signature and monitor me every day? How can you not know?
And he examined me, and started doing his healing work with symbols, but was scratching his head how a wound like this could get past him? He took about five minutes, which is a very long time for him. Then he stood up and said, 'Aha! I know what it is! It must be a tumbler!'
This is the teaching point for all of you--It's a tumbler. A tumbler is something unique to twins souls, and other very close soul group members. When one soul triggers a wound that is so incredibly painful for the other, and the hurt Twin doesn't trust the other one who caused the wound, it will keep rotating over and over from one timeline to the next so that the Twin who caused the pain wouldn't ever be able to see it. It stays a 'step ahead' of the other Twin's consciousness. It hides. In some way, it's a protection that is unconsciously set up after a painful incident by the one who is hurt to avoid further soul injury.
He had never really seen it.
Long story short--he thought all my pain and hurt over losing our son at birth right before the placenta, was that I was upset with him for making a decision for the family to protect us, and for his not consulting me. (He thought if the child had stayed then all of us would have been targets for being killed. There were some very dark people close to him giving him advice at the time, ones whom I did not approve. Looking back, I see it was a deliberate plan to set us apart from each other, Ross and I). Apparently he had this plan in place too for our first child, who turned out to be a daughter, so I was allowed to keep her. Apparently the son was more valuable in the 'bloodline' and the 'politics'.
I explained how to me, it was impossible to grieve with one I knew who was lying to me, especially after looking into my eyes and assisting with the birth and balancing my feminine with my masculine in the circle of ancestors so I could be in my power etc. etc. My anger and depression afterward was to hide the wound in my heart from him, so he couldn't see, and it was basically unresolved grief.
I told him today, I need your heart! I need your heart! And I lay my head on his chest, and sobbed.
He put golden long stitches in my wound, letting it heal from the bottom up, and reassured me it can heal, and it will, and it will heal properly once and for all.
He looked me in the eye and said, If I knew it would have hurt you like this I never would have allowed the child to go. I thought it was like, well, you had one baby already so what difference is one more? you can have others! -- it's a masculine perspective from our times we lived in.
I looked at him and told him, it's like you took off my arm, they work in pairs--what good is one arm alone? You have another one? You took off the arm of my heart...
He brought me our son, Benjamin, as a young man. I spoke with him and I cried and said I was so sorry I wasn't there for you when you were sick, and you were lonely. I felt you and I knew you suffered and wanted me.
He assured me that he never once felt I had abandoned him, he knew it wasn't my choice, and he gave me the explanation that had been given to him about his father. He assured me he loved me very much, and is always guiding me, even in this life, and that I didn't have to worry about him any more.
I read a lot of letters from people who have questions and concerns regarding the Twin Flame relationship. To me, this type of relationship is new. As I learn more, I share so that everyone will know that they are normal and healthy in this difficult Twin relationship, and that with enough love, honesty, and trust, together anything can be healed.
Remember, the ego--your ability to understand and make plans and control the situation--is just about useless, if not harmful in this situation.
So let go, trust your feelings, and communicate in the highest dimension you can with each other, for example, our talk today was in 5D.
This limits the amount of distortion in the message both in the sending and the perception of what is being shared from one Twin to the other.
The hearts know what to do, if you let them heal one another, on a soul level.
Always ask for Archangel Raphael, Archangel Michael, your Guardian Angels and your Guides to assist you too. I had a ring of mine around us as we spoke, and I saw them in the distance the whole time I was healing with my Twin.
Aloha and Mahalos,
P.S. Ross sent me this song on the radio today. Spirit is life--it's not always quiet and on Sunday mornings with choirs and all that routine. Living with Spirit is so full of energy it will have you tap your toes, just like to this song. (And pretty soon, no cage is going to be able to hold all the beautiful--way more powerful than this video suggests-- pure unfiltered direct from Source Divine Feminine Energy from awakening the Collective Consciousness!)
Gimme All Your Loving -- ZZ Top