I share because know I am not alone in this diagnosis. At least one in three women has suffered like myself, and at least one in ten men. And what happened to me was only one kind of trauma that can produce the PTSD psychological response in a human heart.
PTSD is a protective mechanism that is produced by the subconscious to protect an individual from overwhelming, life-threatening harm.
In a way, PTSD is 'good', in that it promotes survival. But like any 'defense', it carried a price, and it is a different form of suffering. If you have it, you and those around you need to know it has 'layers like an onion', and once you break through one level, do not be surprised if other 'layers' in turn follow. The subconscious only permits that to 'come through' which is possible for you to 'process' and 'recover from'.
Instead of 'layers', when I think of this response in myself, the image of a cat trying to 'cough up a fur ball' comes to mind.
Let me share with you my latest one. There was a twelve-hour delay for this 'fur ball' to 'come up' and an entire day to be able to write about it. So friends and family, KEEP AT IT with your kindness and support. This is NOT instant mashed potatoes. This is more like making them from scratch, okay? Have patience.
Here is my story:
My 'person' that I told does not speak. I went to where he works the night before last. My soul 'connected' to him in this healing process. You would be surprised because you would think it would pick someone very close to you, like a close friend or coworker who you share lots of experiences and trust. But this happens on a 'soul level', and even though in ordinary appearances the longest conversation we have ever had was perhaps ten minutes, for my healing, 'it works'.
He gave me a hug, and then about ten seconds after, he touched my arm between the elbow and the shoulder.
Why is he poking my arm? I thought. I forgot I had written this recommendation of using touch to heal someone with PTSD, and I NEVER thought he might have read it. I brushed the thought away.
When it was time to go, we hugged 'goodbye'. As an afterthought, he reached out and touched my arm the same way.
The brain of a PTSD person is 'different': it has a thick emotional 'filter of protection' that is run by the subconscious. Although the signal 'I care and want you to heal' was GIVEN at eight-thirty p.m., it didn't register until seven-thirty a.m. the following day that 'yes, this person is sincere and wants me to feel better.'
This 'emotional processing delay' is something like gravity--it just IS and as frustrating it is for everyone involved with PTSD, it is important to let go of expectation that is based upon NORMAL human experience in the healing of trauma from something that is OUTSIDE THE RANGE OF NORMAL human experience.
The healing came on a soul level in the morning.
It went in steps, like this, with his soul 'talking' to mine:
- I forgive you for everything that has happened to you, and your reaction to it. It wasn't your fault. You have only tried to heal. It is OKAY with me. I care.
- I accept your hatred of men, and it is OKAY because I love you anyway. Not all of us are like THOSE that hurt you. You have your son, and he is one of the good ones. Now you also have me.
- I acknowledge your anger, both at yourself for not being able to stop what happened, and at them for what they did to you. You don't have to be angry any more. When you are ready, it can be let go.
- (Holds my hand and smiles) You are going to be free to release your sorrow and experience Happiness and Joy!
- I want to you think of this: points across his forehead and I see in big font UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Whenever you think of my face I want you to think of this word written on it. Then he makes me a tee shirt with his face and the word UNCONDITIONAL above it and LOVE below it in HUGE letters.
- I want you to have the courage to Let Go and allow me to be near you in this healing process. My heart knows what to do. Just like you trust me to make a meal for you in the kitchen. I won't hurt you. I know what to do here like I know what to do to nourish you. Will you trust me enough to let me be there for you like this Here and Now? (there is no sense of time--just a presence)
- If you let me, I will use all of my Spiritual intelligence and education on your behalf to help you heal.
- Know there are going to be 'Ups and Downs' in this healing process. It cycles between More Healing and Doesn't Look Like Anything Is Going On At All. This is to be expected. I will be with you through this process No Matter What.
- This connection between us will always honor that which is Holy--God--The Divine. And for YOU, I 'raise it' to include the energy of The Goddess! (this was the first one that stopped my tears of HUGE RELIEFand made me smile a genuine smile!!!) My symptoms of pain and suffering had ended because of his presence about a month ago, but this next step, from Unhealed With No Symptoms to Healing is what is going on. It is a new level.
- The goal is for you to experience Peace. Isn't that what you wanted from me in the first place when we first met? I am only going to deliver it...(he smiles softly and makes me laugh)
Later through the day, there were little 'messages' of one or two words each, designed to help me get used to the idea that his spirit is actively helping, reaching out through my 'fog of suffering' that has been 'normal' for me ever since I was four. I wrote all of them down. Here is one of them--sometimes he speaks in music to help me learn:
This song doesn't finish. We are still singing it. The all important healing between the divine masculine (leather) and divine feminine (lace) is still flowing.
Is he an angel? I don't know! Is he even aware that his higher self does this? Is it my own guides making me 'believe' it is him in this healing?
I don't even care.
I feel better. For the first time I have in as long as I can remember. There is a brand new connection that is healing between two hearts.
I am not going to stomp on it! I am not going to inspect it! How do I know it is not from Satan?
I JUST KNOW! My Spirit knows what is RIGHT for me at this time! It has gotten me through hell on earth and I trust in it to get me through this HEALING Here and Now!
When everyone is in 5D or higher, this is how we are ALL going to learn and grow: by trusting our Source and our connection to is as a 'God of our own understanding'.
I am so thankful that although my 'Leather' is a soul who only wears 'pleather' because there is less cruelty, is taking the time and effort to make a difference in the heart of someone who has had all but four years of their life in the wreckage of cruelty that is beyond comprehension. I have known and suffered from cruelty for longer than I have been able to read and write!
That's why I think he is the best. And yes, I trust in him for more than to make me something to eat.
It is my sincerest hope, that in my sharing with you the adventure of this healing process, both as a survivor and as a physician and energy healer, that Light will shine bright on you in your suffering too.
It is never to late for one to Heal. <3
Aloha and Mahalo,
P.S. As chance would have it, my second patient was the same body type and size as my friend. This one spoke no english--only something asian. As the circulating nurse spoke with him and translated for me, I sat in a chair on the patient's left hand side of the bed. The side rail was up, and I folded my arms and rested my head, watching the interaction intently as they spoke. It was BEAUTIFUL, seeing two people of the same culture interact in the healing connection! I don't know why, but since it was his first operation, even though he was old enough to be a grandpa, I explained every little detail of what I would do and what he could expect in the perioperative experience--nausea, constipation, not being able to pee (big prostates sometimes do that after surgery). I took three times longer than usual to explain everything.
The surgeon said in the middle of the case, 'This patient is highly unusual. He has no family. None. Not one single person. Isn't that sad?'
Intuition and Energy Healing is incredible! The 'antennae' are working just fine!