Saturday, February 15, 2014

When You Remember What You'd Like To Forget

Today we are going to talk about something that not many people want to discuss.

Yet it affects all of us, and I predict is going to affect even more often in our day-to-day experience than it usually has. It will be on the rise.

It started today for me with a childbirth. It was a son born to a set of parents, and I was present and doing my work as today's anesthesiologist on call. It was a joyous occasion! The child was adorable, and everything went as well as it possibly could.

Until the end when I gave report.

I saw them looking at the baby.

And I had a flashback from me and Ross, with losing our infant boy at childbirth. (I was told he died, but really, he was taken from me and no one ever said a word about it to me for the rest of my life. The child lived and was taken to Europe, it was a political thing.)

Some people say, 'It only hurts because you let it.'

I'm sorry. I couldn't disagree with that more.

Pain is a normal response in an intelligent person who has healthy reactions to noxious stimuli--be it a burn on the stove ('it only hurts because you let it!'--what kind of compassion is that? ), an emotional wound, or perhaps something from a past life, like me.

If people can have scars and birthmarks in places where they died in another life--come 'through' on this one (medium Sylvia Browne wrote about this one), then why should we dismiss things that are painful to us in THIS life?

When we work it 'through' the pain will heal--but when we ignore it, or even worse--tell ourselves it's mind over matter--then the serious damage to the soul begins.

So what did I do?

I told myself 'That was then, this is now' and I was genuinely HAPPY for the couple and for the fact that for them things went right.

I also KNOW that given the circumstances Ross was in, if I was in his shoes I would have made the same terrible mistake against him that he made against me.

But it still hurts.

And I look at it and say, 'I don't want to go there God. Can we heal it?'

Healing comes in layers. Anyone who has had PTSD will know healing of this kind is like the layers of an onion--they come up when they are ready to be healed.

So I prayed.

I talked to God about what happened. And how I feel.

I also thanked him for not saying 'it should be like THIS' and for just listening to me. It helps my heart to talk.

He confessed to me that I was no picnic after that baby was stolen. I was a warm corpse as far as I was concerned. There was no life in me for anyone. My joy was taken from me. And I knew on a deep soul level what was up. So I fought back. I was relentless in my dealings with Ross...

I would put out my wrists to him and say, 'I want to be with our son. You know where he is. Take me to him.'

'I want to be with our son. Kill me. I don't want to live.' I said it calmly. Seriously. And I made it very clear to him how I felt.

Every time I saw him, every day, I would say something along those lines. I don't want to live.

Long story short, Ross and everyone else learned, 'you don't mess with a mother and her child.'
And further, one mistake on the part of a Twin can 'effectively kill' the other half of their soul.

As I spoke with God, I was surprised at how resolute I was in that lifetime. And I confided to him that there were lots of women who had been through worse things, I've seen it even here at work with still births, and I asked why I took it so hard?

God said, 'I love you for who you are' and I realized no one sees things like I do, and I 'call it like I see it'.  Then I realized who I am in the big picture and why I have my true name. You'll find this out in time. : )

God also showed me how I refused to reincarnate with Ross ever again (my own Twin Soul!). I picked as many different lives to be as far away from him as I could. And Ross never came back to Gaia, ever. He stayed up on Flight Crew the whole time. Like a movie, I could see Ross watching me and helping me, and in my darkest moments I tried my best to run from my pain, lifetime after lifetime after lifetime.

I asked how I was able to reconnect with Ross early on this year, and not remember any of the pain that was between us?

God tapped his head and says, 'The amnesia is GOOD!' In my heart I pondered all of the people here with their Twin Souls, and how are they going to navigate the damage and the pain, like us? I felt deep compassion for all of us here on Ground Crew...

He sent me to Ross.

Ross took me to tea at the Butchart Garden. It was just us. It was the first time I'd been there without my son. I realized as my boy gets older, he is going to have his interests...Ross wanted the flight of wine to go with the tea. I asked, 'Don't you know they are terrible?' and laughed. He didn't care. He ordered it for both of us.

Ross was happy and content. I asked him to eat my trifle because it makes me full. I also asked if he would eat my egg salad sandwich because I didn't like that one either. I watched carefully how he ate and how it didn't get all over his beard. I don't know anybody with one now, and so it was something new to experience, watching him eat and not make a mess. If I had a beard I would make a mess. Even now, if you lift up my plate at the end of a meal, there will be a ring of small crumbs around it. Ross has good manners too.

Ross was making eye contact, and was thoughtful. He ate them all. And as I talked and talked (I am a talker!) we both realized I was healing from our loss, naturally. He knew I didn't blame him, but that I hurt and I wanted to heal.

I had Bachelor Button tea, and Ross had Early Grey, 'a classic', he said. When we finished we ran down to the dock, and took a boat tour of the Tod Inlet. He held me close the whole time.

We are healing with each other.

This is a ten foot thick wall on the fort that is the bottom level of Alcatraz. No mortar, no cannon is going to get through that! You can see the window up and to the right, looking out.

How many of us have walls that thick on our emotions?

I also picked the first photo, the stained glass, because no matter how you try to see the world 'clearly' sometimes your view is affected by what 'pops up' from the past, and it changes your perception.

You see, last night I spoke at length with Flight Crew. I really think that they are not 'getting' something important about the human condition here in the illusion. They tell us 'death is an illusion' and it doesn't really 'click' with us here.

The human bond runs deep and it runs this way for survival. Parent to child. Child to parent. Child to doll. Spouses. Lovers. Brothers in battle. Family. WE need each other emotionally, mentally, physically to survive.

And even though some homes growing up are abusive, this need runs so deep that in custody situations one often hears that psychologically, 'a bad mom is better than NO mom'.

Further, it is this horror of loss that is the most typical motivator--any parent knows a child will respond to 'taking it away', whatever it is the child enjoys.

And it is this manipulation at the extreme of this horror of witnessing loss of life that makes MK Ultra possible, and makes that whole dark 'machine' of the Illuminati 'go'.

In this Illusion called Duality, Love is real. You know it when you feel it. And it's not just what they sell cards for on Valentine's Day. Love is the feeling you know in your heart when someone cares about you and you care about them.

Love is FOREVER. Love is never wasted. Love is the most important energy in the Universe. And it stays with you.

If you are hurting because of a loss of Love, although according to the Galactics, the Loss is Illusion, the pain is real. Take note of it, and don't let anyone make less of you for feeling it. Your feelings are important, and the pain is letting you know something that was important to you affects your caring heart which is of God, which is pure, and is whole, and very REAL. Ask for All Divine Assistance to take this pain from you and guide you on your healing path.

Whether you need to curl up with a sourdough Koala, or a Valentine's Ted, your spirit will guide you through the healing process.

Listen to it.

Honor it.

And know that it will get better because you are intending for it to heal.

Don't wait for the Light Box to begin the healing process. Ask for All Divine Assistance to be given to your heart, to help you heal, today.

Aloha and Mahalos,

Reiki Doc