I might cry as I write this.
I remember thirty years ago, a scared young woman, who had no concept of life that was ahead of her, walked into a dressing room at Sak's Fifth Avenue off Union Square, and tried on five thousand dollar dresses.
You either have the money to buy these, or the body to wear them, and I have the body! she said to herself.
That was me.
And all my dreams.
This weekend was an exercise in reconnecting to that past, re-experiencing it, and letting go...
- My son wanted to go to Ghirardelli square and see the town for the first time.
- My last time there was fifteen years ago with my second husband on business.
- I was not prepared for the emotional workout I would experience on this trip.
- The changes to the skyline and wharfs, and AT&T park, made me notice the passing of time.
- The excitement at seeing things again made me realize just how much 'connection' to the Bay Area I had--five years of college, five years of working, surgery at UCSF, night school at Laney college to get my biology credit, and applying to medical school.
- I saw how my first husband, my college sweetheart, a Northern California Native, and his family, really taught me the ways of the land and the people.
- I realized how essentially different Northern and Southern Californians are, in so many ways, and that now I was a Southern Californian.
- I also noticed how an average-appearance Southern Californian really stands out in the beauty department, not so much for our individuality, but for our not having the same 'look' as the locals. I was surprised at how many 'admiring looks' I got from the men, in a nice way. That never happens at home. I am 'just a mom' here. (I have a deficit in the aesthetic surgery procedures department compared to 'those here' LOL)
- I saw how I really learned to live in the rain, and how it changes your outlook to do what you want in spite of it. My son actually stopped a pair of joggers and asked, 'how can you do this in the wind and the rain?' They smiled and kept running. I gently explained that for them, the choice is to run or not run, and they choose to run.
I had seen San Francisco for the first time when I was twelve years old. Our next-door-neighbor's daughter lived there, and it always seemed mysteriously incredible growing up. I fell in love with the town, and secretly wished to have a house with a Bay window on Lombard Street, in the crooked part. Or one of those old Victorian houses. And I wanted a canary in a cage in the bay window.
I went to college at UC Berkeley. I was on the Rally Committee--see the picture at the top? No only have I been in all kinds of places under it and around it, I have sat on Tightwad Hill and pressed the button to make the cannon go off after a touchdown.
My ex-husband and I kept The Axe under the bed in our spare bedroom in our apartment for a year after the fire damaged the University facility to display it. He was the Security Director for the Rally Committee that year.
I loved him.
I thought we would be together forever.
We were just kids.
And he had a lot of problems in the emotion department. A whole lot of them.
I fled for my life, by going to medical school.
And here I am...
And it's BETTER.
I couldn't live in the city--there isn't enough nature! I don't want to go to Golden Gate Park for Nature. I like it outside my window, and down the streets where I drive.
I like being a mom. I wouldn't trade any of that for the world...
I cry because I realize God wouldn't let me settle for my dream I had back then...and led me to where I am now.
Yesterday I was in a sports shop on Pier 39. I stood in the California 'Cal' Berkeley clothing aisle. There were tee shirts and jackets. Rows and rows of them in my school colors...
And my life flashed between then and now, back and forth (I really am crying).
I remembered the girl I was in my youth. I weighed one hundred five pounds. And was terrified of just about everything. I had no idea I had it in me to support myself, or follow my dream.
And in that tiny body, I would have looked good in those shirts...
I am a mom.
And you can't go back in the past.
I am not her any more, that college girl.
She got me where I am today and I respect it.
I wanted so much to buy something, to hold on to her, to my past, to what I once was...but I am not her.
I am a Southern Californian. I have a beautiful North Face jacket from one of my patients. I have more than enough tee shirts. And I don't really 'fit in' there in the Bay Area any more...
So I said 'goodbye' to her, and to the life I had dreamed of, being Mrs. College Sweetheart and having a family and blending in and going to mass and having fund raisers and being a Chemical Engineer.
I actually was so overwhelmed with emotion on the bus tour of San Francisco, I asked, 'What is the connection I have to this land? Why is it so?' and Spirit told me, 'feel it, and accept it, and let it go.'
I think I had a wonderful past life there...one in addition to my youth and my college days.
So I said 'goodbye' to that past life too, and thanked it for making me who I am.
This type of emotional clearing is important in the Ascension Process--it is the ridding yourself of the residue of 'what is holding you back'...that is preparing you for what is to come in the future.
I love Ross. I love my boy. I love my family. I love my beach. I love my friends. I love my home. I love my hospital and all the patients and coworkers I know. I love my commute. I love everything about my life, Here and Now.
But it was that Dark corner in my soul that needed some Light on it. And this weekend, I did just that.
Don't be afraid to 'recollect, re-experience, and let go' of the darker chapters of your own life.
It is healing. In a very deep and important way.
Aloha and Mahalos,