"Why? Because I Like You."--A Study On The Closed Heart

How does the heart close?

This is important for everyone--more so for those who have open hearts and are concerned about a loved one whose heart is tightly shut.

Here are three examples of 'hearts' that I have recently observed--The Closed Heart*, The Bypassed Heart*, and the Open Heart that is filled with Love and Gratitude.

* = please note there is no judgement on the person or their heart, other than noting the energy pattern that is present. Closed hearts can open, and bypassed hearts can also find healthy energy flow. There is no limit on when the open heart is achieved, but once it opens, it prefers to stay open, and not close.


I Don't Like My Dogs And I Want To Get Rid Of Them:

A coworker was talking to three of us at the nurses' station. The conversation went like this:

Closed Heart: I don't like my two dogs. I want to get rid of them.
Nurse 1:  WHY?
Closed Heart: I don't get attached to animals. I grew up on a farm. We raised a cow that was named T-Bone.
Nurse 2: But why are you wanting to get rid of the dogs?
Closed Heart: one of them is my daughter's dog. She's lazy. The dog needs exercise. She thinks that buying food for it, feeding it, and picking up poop is taking care of it. The dog stays in the side yard. When he is in the back yard the poop is there and the kids play on the grass I don't want that. The other dog will go and poop on the side yard and can be allowed the bigger space, but not this one. Plus when I leave it in the yard it digs. My husband has spent a lot of money on the garden.

(Nurse 2 shows a picture of her mom's pomeranian, who has a tongue that's too big for it's mouth, and Nurse 1 shows a picture of her spaniel. Closed Heart shows the dog with a child--both seem happy).

Nurse 1: If you liked the dog you would walk it.
Closed Heart:  (doesn't notice that there are three open hearts in front of her, defends position)
My father taught me a lesson. When my car broke down, he made me sell my horse that meant everything in the world to me to pay for the repairs. I stopped loving animals like that ever since.
Reiki Doc: That is a form of abuse--taking away something that somebody really loves a lot.
Closed Heart: It was a LESSON! All lessons are painful! My father made me ride the horse into the auction. Only a few could ride it, and it has to be ridden to be sold at auction, so he made me do it.
But my daughter is LAZY and I need to teach her a lesson so I am going to get rid of the dog because I don't like it.
Nurse 1: I wouldn't have done that to my kid, make them sell their horse to pay for a car.
Reiki Doc: There could have been another way.
Closed Heart: he told me it was either my car or the horse, I had to choose one. (almost in tears)
Nurse 1: Exactly WHEN did this happen?
Closed Heart: When I was seventeen. It was like, seventeen years ago.
(Nurse 1, Nurse 2, and I exchange a knowing look)
Nurse 1: If it had just been a lesson you wouldn't have carried it around like this for so long.
Nurse 2: How long have you had it? The dog?
Closed Heart: It was a puppy and we got it in July.

Do you see the pattern of the closure of the heart?

Do you see the cycle repeating itself from Father to Daughter with the horse and now from Mother to Daughter with the dog?

In cases like this of vibrational mismatch, there is no amount of 'convincing' the nurses or I could do to open the heart of the Closed Heart. 

All we can do is speak our Truth (we love dogs) and plant the seeds (your father did not have your best interest at heart). And let go and trust the Process. When her heart is ready, it will Open. But only when she is ready to let go of the pain that is 'good' and she carries around.

If you ask me, things are going to get a lot better for the animals when they stop being money to someone. Ranchers, farmers, puppy mills, breeders, and dairy farmers all see animals as a source of income, a commodity, and not a living being with Consciousness that is filled with Light, just like us.

Expectations And Concerns Of The Hypervigilant

I think this one has been traumatized by a lot more than fish! I shared with the nurse who is taking care of the same patient with me. (It's a long story, but long story short--the patient does not eat fish.)

Sometimes hearts close not because of pain, but because of tremendous anxiety. The concerns are so pressing, that the mind is occupied, and the heart is unable to engage or acknowledge others on an energetic level when the heart is stressed.

It's like being in solitary confinement, energetically, because the swirling pattern of fear and anxiety is in an endless loop.

I couldn't break it.

Sometimes in cases like this, all you can do is 'hold the space'--that is, maintain your vibration.

This is one situation where the strongest vibration wins, and the fear at three in the morning won out over my sleepy Reiki heart. I was asked to change something that was working, and wasn't sure if overcorrection would be 'okay' in this person's 'world view'; in essence, I felt like I was being asked to do the impossible--scientifically--and I overreacted. Yes. my energy got out of balance. But it is back in balance now.

I am also counting the hours until I get off my shift. There is only one hour left...

With people whose heart center is 'bypassed' by anxiety and fear, the common goal is to be reasonable and be firm in the expectation that the other be reasonable with you in return.

You're not going to win a popularity contest.

Are You The Lady Who Put That Thing In My Back?

I want to thank you for it. It didn't really hurt when you put it in, and with the labor I was comfortable and able to push. I wanted to say this to you.

This is a beautiful example of an open heart. Not only did this one narrowly miss a c-section (I waited for one hour on the labor deck, and all of the surgical instruments were 'open' in anticipation of a possible 'crash'.)--she was filled with Love and Gratitude for everything, both what she knew (I put in her labor epidural) and for what she didn't but only sensed (we were standing by for her safety and that of her baby). Her heart spoke volumes in the tone of voice and energy she used as she thanked me.

And I gave her a spontaneous hug, in return, to let her know how she had touched my heart.

Be the light in other people's darkness. You don't have to say a thing, just be YOU and be Present with an open heart. 


Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,

Reiki Doc

I Bleed Blue And Gold: A Study In Letting Go

I might cry as I write this.

I remember thirty years ago, a scared young woman, who had no concept of life that was ahead of her, walked into a dressing room at Sak's Fifth Avenue off Union Square, and tried on five thousand dollar dresses.

You either have the money to buy these, or the body to wear them, and I have the body! she said to herself.

That was me.

And all my dreams.

This weekend was an exercise in reconnecting to that past, re-experiencing it, and letting go...

• My son wanted to go to Ghirardelli square and see the town for the first time.
• My last time there was fifteen years ago with my second husband on business.
• I was not prepared for the emotional workout I would experience on this trip.
• The changes to the skyline and wharfs, and AT&T park, made me notice the passing of time.
• The excitement at seeing things again made me realize just how much 'connection' to the Bay Area I had--five years of college, five years of working, surgery at UCSF, night school at Laney college to get my biology credit, and applying to medical school.
• I saw how my first husband, my college sweetheart, a Northern California Native, and his family, really taught me the ways of the land and the people.
• I realized how essentially different Northern and Southern Californians are, in so many ways, and that now I was a Southern Californian. 
• I also noticed how an average-appearance Southern Californian really stands out in the beauty department, not so much for our individuality, but for our not having the same 'look' as the locals. I was surprised at how many 'admiring looks' I got from the men, in a nice way. That never happens at home. I am 'just a mom' here. (I have a deficit in the aesthetic surgery procedures department compared to 'those here' LOL)
• I saw how I really learned to live in the rain, and how it changes your outlook to do what you want in spite of it. My son actually stopped a pair of joggers and asked, 'how can you do this in the wind and the rain?' They smiled and kept running. I gently explained that for them, the choice is to run or not run, and they choose to run.

I had seen San Francisco for the first time when I was twelve years old. Our next-door-neighbor's daughter lived there, and it always seemed mysteriously incredible growing up. I fell in love with the town, and secretly wished to have a house with a Bay window on Lombard Street, in the crooked part. Or one of those old Victorian houses. And I wanted a canary in a cage in the bay window.

I went to college at UC Berkeley. I was on the Rally Committee--see the picture at the top? No only have I been in all kinds of places under it and around it, I have sat on Tightwad Hill and pressed the button to make the cannon go off after a touchdown.

My ex-husband and I kept The Axe under the bed in our spare bedroom in our apartment for a year after the fire damaged the University facility to display it. He was the Security Director for the Rally Committee that year.  

I loved him.

I thought we would be together forever.

We were just kids.

And he had a lot of problems in the emotion department. A whole lot of them.

I fled for my life, by going to medical school.

And here I am...

And it's BETTER.

I couldn't live in the city--there isn't enough nature! I don't want to go to Golden Gate Park for Nature. I like it outside my window, and down the streets where I drive.

I like being a mom. I wouldn't trade any of that for the world...

I cry because I realize God wouldn't let me settle for my dream I had back then...and led me to where I am now.

Yesterday I was in a sports shop on Pier 39. I stood in the California 'Cal' Berkeley clothing aisle. There were tee shirts and jackets. Rows and rows of them in my school colors...

And my life flashed between then and now, back and forth (I really am crying). 

I remembered the girl I was in my youth. I weighed one hundred five pounds. And was terrified of just about everything. I had no idea I had it in me to support myself, or follow my dream.

And in that tiny body, I would have looked good in those shirts...

But now?

I am a mom.

And you can't go back in the past. 

I am not her any more, that college girl. 

She got me where I am today and I respect it. 

I wanted so much to buy something, to hold on to her, to my past, to what I once was...but I am not her. 

I am a Southern Californian. I have a beautiful North Face jacket from one of my patients. I have more than enough tee shirts. And I don't really 'fit in' there in the Bay Area any more...

So I said 'goodbye' to her, and to the life I had dreamed of, being Mrs. College Sweetheart and having a family and blending in and going to mass and having fund raisers and being a Chemical Engineer.

I actually was so overwhelmed with emotion on the bus tour of San Francisco, I asked, 'What is the connection I have to this land? Why is it so?' and Spirit told me, 'feel it, and accept it, and let it go.' 

I think I had a wonderful past life there...one in addition to my youth and my college days.

So I said 'goodbye' to that past life too, and thanked it for making me who I am. 

This type of emotional clearing is important in the Ascension Process--it is the ridding yourself of the residue of 'what is holding you back'...that is preparing you for what is to come in the future.

I love Ross. I love my boy. I love my family. I love my beach. I love my friends. I love my home. I love my hospital and all the patients and coworkers I know. I love my commute. I love everything about my life, Here and Now.

But it was that Dark corner in my soul that needed some Light on it. And this weekend, I did just that.

Don't be afraid to 'recollect, re-experience, and let go' of the darker chapters of your own life.

It is healing. In a very deep and important way.

Aloha and Mahalos,

Namaste,

Reiki Doc

Family

My family puts the FUN in dysfunctional.

It's messed up.

Today there was a get-together to say 'goodbye' to a cousin who is moving to the midwest, and I am humbled, deeply humbled by the whole process.

The system works!

God (and the Goddess) had this crazy idea to throw us into these family units--where we--many of us Lightworkers--were thrown into the 'Lion's Den' if you will, the very worst places on the planet, To Shed Light.

Today I saw how my cousins and uncles were older...the ones I used to see every Christmas Eve and at family functions. And I thought, 'God, you were so smart to give Cousins, so I can see what the road is like ahead of where I am.'

Today I saw how darkness transformed to Light...there were several people who had hurt one another in various ways, incest, physical abuse, alcohol, gambling, infidelity...who had found peace with each other and the abusers had healed!

I found out one incest abuser had actually paid the rent, bought groceries, and traded cars (taking over the car payments) of the one he had abused and her new husband for six months when they were starting out. They wouldn't have made it without him.

Another who had been a physical abuser and made his kids pass out in a pool of blood in the bathroom on a routine basis, had tenderly cared for the wife dying of cancer, and earned the love and respect of the children and the whole family. He'd changed, in his heart, mind, body and soul and had grown. He asked, casually, how he had been so lucky to marry her, the wife who was an angel, an earth angel, in every way...

The one who cheated on his wife, and left her for another woman, only to have his ex, the one we knew, die of ovarian cancer? He married the one he had the relationship with, and now she is family, and has found work for two of the deceased wife's kids at her work. I could see how sometimes relationships change, and both partners have to move on to keep up with their soul lessons; it really is not personal, although it is painful to experience when you are the one that is being left.

I found out a cure for leg cramps is V-8 juice, Tums and ibuprofen. Many of my relatives are very active. One rode a sixty-mile bike ride earlier in the day.

But most importantly, I saw my cousins who have been in the movie industry for their entire careers, and are NOT worshipping the devil, or any of those bad things that so many of them do. They are good, decent people who love God and are perhaps a little 'more religious' than others, as far as being Christian go, but not more so than others I know who are Christian extreme worshippers.

If you are from a not-so-good family, have hope!

The family unit was selected with pre-birth contracts and agreement of everyone involved . Why? For the learning of lessons. Some are teachers, some are learners, and together it all works out. There is the karma 'payback' as well as the love that remains between after all is said and done.

Why not take a little break every now and then, talk to your heart, and find out what lessons your family has been helping your heart learn with you?

Because behind all that, is the wisdom of Source, and it is all for your Highest Good.

It's always darkest before the dawn...but soon the sun will come up, and you will see your family with bright new eyes that see!

I couldn't believe how much higher the vibration was of our group today; there was love, laughter, and sharing. People are really doing things for their health, like quit artificial sweeteners, try organic, eat less meat, or whatever 'nudges' them to do. We have come a long ways as a family, and I am excited I had the chance to see it today.

I have to be honest with you. Today I really didn't want to go. I like staying at my house and relaxing on the weekends. I didn't want to get dressed and drive to go and see people I hardly ever see.

But I checked with pendulum.

It said, GO. It is for the highest good.

So I went.

It turns out my cousin's fiancee has a daughter with terrible neurological condition. And the shunt isn't working. So the surgeon is going to try switching from a ventriculoperitoneal (head to stomach drain for CSF) to a ventriculoatrial shunt (head to heart for CSF). He'd only done two, in his career, and was really worrying her.

I explained what I had seen, and I knew it works, and it's something doable, and not to worry.

She was visibly relieved! I hadn't seen her in eight years!

That's why Spirit wanted me to go.



Aloha and mahalos,
Namaste,

Reiki Doc

I Need The Whales, Mom!

I am nibbling on a pice of sourdough baguette from Bread and Cie. If you are ever in San Diego, this place is awesome. You should really check it out. I got this loaf at a local health food store.

Today we are going to discuss another 'elephant in the room'. It is a talk story about the children who shuttle back and forth between two homes. I am not a psychologist, I am a physician, but it is clear to me that something is terribly wrong for children who experience life like this.

The first concept is: the relationship between the parents did not last.

Therefore, the underlying ability of one parent, or both, and their families of origins, has some element of dysfunction, yes? Ah, you might ask, what if MY family put the FUN in dysfunctional? We don't want to be tied down to all the responsibility of raising a kid! Sure, we will do our part, but... For whatever reason, and that was just the first thought that came into my mind, and has NOTHING to do with my situation...

The second concept is: the child has to learn two sets of Tribal Beliefs and in the best of all situations, transition seamlessly between the two.

The third concept is: mammals are designed for the parents, particularly the mother, observe the baby in all situations to protect and socialize the child. Even a mouse needs some time to teach its young adult offspring 'how to be a mouse'. With every other weekend, a significant part of the time I am not there to assist in this function.

The fourth concept is: holiday expectation, alcohol, even in the form of a 'mimosa', and venting frustration lead to emotional pain on the part of the child.  I was the only child there! Everyone had alcohol. They made the easter egg hunt really hard and I had to do it in less than five minutes! And grandmother told me--in front of everyone--it looks like you didn't even brush your teeth or comb your hair! He felt shame, embarrassment, and humiliation from this comment that, to an adult, was clearly aimed at the father who was responsible for dressing up the boy for Easter Brunch. I did not send any clothes, he outgrew them. I did not remind the dad because I do not know the families 'holiday dress code for Easter'. In our family, shorts and a collar shirt are fine. And no, he did not brush his teeth or comb his hair that day. No one thought to remind him.

The fifth concept is: older children hide their pain.  Today was an odd day. Father looked all smiles at transfer, which is not good, but son seemed okay to give a hug. When son avoids father, I know they had a fight.  A little later with discovery of Easter Bunny goodies right on his bed, the little one jumps for joy! But at hotel, weirdness started to pop up. Won't eat. Won't buy room service when offered that after all food in hotel we brought was not good. 'All the room service food is gross, mom! (go vegan! go raw! big cheer for that--hotel food is a GMO mo fo as far as I am concerned...).

The sixth conce;t is: love is the solution for everything.  'You don't know how I feel, mom! You don't know the PAIN from (this mornings' Easter away from you, mom)'. I said, 'Yes and no. I just spaced out because it did not seem like Easter without you. I had my own pain too. But if you share, I will comfort you. I do not know unless you share. It is my job to help in times like this.' The story came out, and I just held him as the healing tears flowed.  

'Out of all the women in the world, who do you think most of them are like, honey? Mommy or Grandmother?'
'You, mom.'
'No. Most are like Grandmother. They love in their own way, but they are not able to put your needs first. It is not through any fault of them. It is just their way. You are here with me now. You are lucky to be have me.'

And then I saw the need to blow the nose, and I understood why Spirit had me pack a box of our favorite tissues, Puffs Plus, earlier for the trip. I got them out of my suitcase and helped him blow. He went through about ten in his distress. Then he began to calm. I offered him water to drink.

In the kitchen, sobbing and holding me as I as trying to pour him a glass of water,  I embraced my son with his tender heart, and he said, 'I need the whales, mom! I need the whales!'

I need them too.

That is the first plan on the agenda today. We both love whales so much we are part of the whale family. On almost every vacation, when we are not seeing human family, we go out to see whale family. In Hawaii, we once went three times in six days on the best whale watching tour, out of Lahaina. We have been twice to Victoria, BC, and on the Eagle Wing three times. We are regulars out at Dana Point. We have also met Wyland and have several signed works in our home. Also a photo of us three together with our new art. Also there are some whales here in town we know and love very much. One of them has a new baby--a son--we last saw her right before she gave birth...she is my girl, Kasatka, and I love her very, very much. She looked me in the eye once. I felt her think, 'Good mom!'. I value her judgement very much. After all, she is the matriarch of the pod.

Namaste,

Reiki Doc

Cinderella

 My mother grew up with a jealousy of her cousin, an only child 'who had everything'. When the family moved from Chicago right down the street, the adults tried to fix this cousin up with my uncle, because they were not actually related by blood, only marriage, and the same age.

This cousin was beautiful. She wore bright colors and was very fashionable. She also taught me how to color (I was four). I never liked going to her house though. Downstairs was especially scary. Her father was ugly and smelled of cheap wine and cigarettes.

She called me today to ask how I was doing after my surgery. Everyone in the family knows like a true Italian, this one can't drive and can T-A-L-K for long spaces of time.

I love her. I have always felt a kinship to her, and she to me.

What she doesn't know is that I am a Reiki healer, and that I wish I could help her in her plight.

She married a cousin of my father. They were fixed up. My father looked like George Kennedy, suave and sophisticated, and a nice match with my petite European mother. It was so cool, and the cousins looked good together like that, too. What my mother's cousin never was told, is why my father's cousin was raised by a single mother. The dad was not a family man, he gambled and drank.  He had no interest in staying with her. She and her son lived with my dad's family for three years.  Guess what? Her son (my father's cousin) had the gambling gene. He went through all his newlywed wife's (mom's cousin) money six months into the marriage.

She wanted out, but her Uncle, my great-Uncle, said, 'where will you go with two small kids?' So she stayed. Her daughter ran away from home at twelve, never to be seen again, and had a teen pregnancy. The baby was raised in foster care, as its teen mother was unsuitable.

Mom's cousin's father was an alcoholic who beat his daughter up. She 'was flying from one end of the house to the other' she said to me today. 'Didn't anyone tell you?'

What this cousin talks about is how, 'I need a man to comfort me, to sit on the couch and watch movies, kiss a little, and let me know how special I am. To really care about me.'

Poor thing. I was like that once. Been through a bad marriage, and wanted 'to do it right' and 'make everything better'. It never worked for me. But unlike mom's cousin, I accepted my situation. I made the best of it, and truly enjoy the life that I have. I am blessed with a boy. And I have a calling that is unusual in that I love it and it is blessed.

As a physician, I can estimate that the 'no damn good' gene on her husband's side is carried down through the bloodline. Their son was spared the gambling, but is 'not a go-getter' and has been supported by his parents for the past six years. The daughter caught it full strength and has caused nothing but pain to the family.

I can also guess that mom's cousin did not receive proper counseling for her childhood abuse, and was not healed from it at the time of marriage.*

As a Reiki Intuitive, I see that the Universal Law of Attraction is giving her what is on her mind: someone who doesn't hurt her physically, but lies and hides things and goes through all their money. She lost one house already, and the inheritance of both her parents and my great-Aunt and Great-Uncle. She calls her husband stupid and ugly and says 'I don't love you'. She is describing the mirror of herself she has in her spouse. And all those things are exactly what her father taught her a long long time ago.

She is jealous of my mother. My father had his secrets too. She just does not know he was moody, depressed, needing a lot of free rein from mom, and was jealous of his brother in law 'who has everything'. I am not going to tell her that. But my mom's cousin loves us, deeply, and goes to all the family events even though they live a four hour drive away.

She doesn't know whether to believe in God. 'I want to believe, but how come all the good people get bad things? And the bad people are like, thriving?' she shared.

If you want something good, you have to put the energy out there. All she has to do is love herself. Love her husband. Set limits. Seek help, like Alanon or something for families of gamblers. I actually said, 'you can call a women's shelter and find out more'. She thought that since the abuse was emotional, she was not eligible for help. I told her absolutely, you can call and get help, no matter what.

She is almost seventy. All she wants is a little happiness and peace before she dies.

And close to death she is. Severe, multiple autoimmune illnesses. 'He broke my heart' she says. 'I put myself on a pedestal and deserve to be treated better!' Rationally, she knows this. But her will has been broken. I was like that once, two years into my first marriage. And two years into my second one, too. That's why I stopped dating, because men who interest me are ones from whom I should run far far away!

If you would not mind, please send Reiki to mom's cousin.

I did. I have already had Margaret Mc Cormick clear her. She was FULL of NE's and DE's. But a mental attitude can invite further attachments, even through the gold web. We still have free will. And today, I asked Michael to step in and help. I was concerned about what I might sense when I was in her aura. I did CKR and stepped back. Michael did all the work and told me when to close it. He also cut the etheric cords three times between mom's cousin and my heart.

Quit the stinkin' thinkin'. Love is the Solution to Everything. Why is that a lesson that takes multiple lifetimes for us to learn? It is so simple for the birds and plants and animals...

Namaste,

Reiki Doc

* = http://www.nicabm.com/trauma-therapy/?del=friend this link is for state-of-the art research group, on the effects of trauma. It is a multidisciplinary team. Ruth Buczynski is the contact person.