I cannot even remember the last blog post I wrote. I have not been called to write, I have done a fair amount of spiritual work in the interim, but nothing major. A lot of my time has been immersing myself in, and embracing, life.
It was a big adjustment when my son went away to university. At the same time, I had thought that outpatient only work would be my 'logical next step' in my career. It turned out to be quite the opposite! It was a lesson in saying, 'no, thank you' and opening myself up to other career opportunities.
As a physician, you can't just pick a start date and work. Once you have applied, interviewed and been offered a position, you must go through a process called 'credentialing'. It happens to be required by both larger employers, and similarly for any place you work. As a traveling outpatient physician, 'credentialing' is easy, you bring a packet with you wherever you go. But in larger organizations you must be reviewed by a committee. I spent November to March in 'credentialing'--no pay--but going through the process.
Today I caught up with a whole bunch of online training videos/courses (again, unpaid). And I smile...wryly. Why? because I needed time for myself. I needed vacation. I set aside a week, originally to go to Hawaii for a conference at this time. But then, just in case, for my son to go to regionals for his competition. He is actually away at a sort of camp...something I had not had on my Bingo Card earlier in the year. Monday I went to the doctor. For me, yes! I snore! Going to fix it. Tuesday I worked. It was a nice day at work, but certainly not 'vacation'. Wednesday the house needed things urgently, and they were fixed. It was had work, and I sweat a lot. Tomorrow I work so today was my last 'free day'. I did manage an exercise session this morning. But otherwise it was the online courses before the deadline where it's a two hundred fifty dollar fine.
How do I feel?
Certainly not 'floaty'.
I also feel like I have stepped out of the shadow of Ross and all my guides. Are they there with me, yes. Absolutely. Seconds before being threatened at knifepoint in Cleveland I heard Ross loud and clear say, 'I am protecting you'.
It is all a question of personality development. I grew up in a home where I learned to shrink and be compliant. I think many of us in the seventies and eighties grew up like that. Unfortunately, first boyfriend, second boyfriend/first husband, second husband, baby daddy--with all I literally shrunk myself in order to 'keep the peace' and I tolerated being treated 'less than' simply because not only did I not know any better, being mistreated was all I knew.
Have I made progress with my organization in the home? I've tried. Anthony sees the effort, I wish I could see more. What I have learned is how to pace myself with work shifts, how much time I need for me, and how to adapt accordingly.
What have been some of the joys? Going back to Ohio, and having Bob Evans and Skyline Chili again. My mulberry crop was good, and when I shared with another physician she decided to buy not one but TWO trees for her family! I spent my birthday at Disneyland, a long day, and it felt like summer. My sweet peas bloomed this year. And I was able to harvest some shallots. And I got to see/work inside a brand new hospital where the OR was really state of the art.
Some challenges, oh, let's not go into them but they did take a lot of my focus and concentration.
We each need to learn our life lessons. And sometimes, not thinking about Spirit (while always being connected of course) allows us to make more progress because we let go of the 'what are we learning' part. Sometimes Spirit is a welcome escape, especially when our weaknesses are difficult and it takes more effort to make progress in those areas. That is why immersing in the day to day, sometimes up to our ears! helps us to make needed progress.
I did have a run with depression around the fourth of July. It was severe and unexpected. What led up to it was a disruption in my routine--I couldn't go to baseball games, I couldn't exercise, I could just work and do chores. It threw me. But then with the memory of the bicentennial--what a contrast from now, in fifty years! I had no family to spend it with except for my son, and usually the fourth we celebrated my birthday, and all those people it was like yesterday at the nice dinner in our back yard--they are dead except for my cousins and one Uncle. I had thought that would last forever.
Am I going to seek counseling for it? Yes. I'd like to redirect my life goals in the near future. Sort of an adjustment from motherhood. How to find goals.
If I had one piece of advice to share, it is be YOU. Online. In person. Treasure your friendships and connect whenever possible. Don't be ashamed of who you are. For example, as a physician, the culture ever since I trained was 'trust the science' (keep quiet about woo-woo spiritual stuff that is not tested). Well, when I got into Reiki and started up this blog and the community, I wanted to bring this INTO medicine. Did it open the door? Yes. Have I been teaching and outreaching though? No. I am what I am, I am available to my medical community. And having a surgeon I've known since training confide to me that his mother passed and he had an experience with Spirit...I reassured him. Kind of like a psychiatrist I validated what he was perceiving as real, as something non-scientific. Someone else said 'oh this chemical gets released by the brain at the end of life that's why people see their loved ones who have passed'. I didn't argue. I know my truth. And my truth is aligned with THE Truth, the one and only Truth.
Be unapologetically YOU.
Bring hope.
Embody compassion.
Never to the decrease of yourself, or the spending of all your energy on others--be YOU.
Ross nods. He says 'that is enough for today'. He waves and smiles. 'All is well out here!'.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Couple
