I was in on a very long, very stable case.
Ross: Can we talk?
Me: Write. Yes.
Ross: Patient is fine?
Me: Yes. I'm always watching. There's alarms, too.
Ross: God has made a miracle. (a low voice, very matter of fact. Points to him and then to me.)
Ross: (embraces me) We are together at last! One night. One night followed by two more, which are then followed by MANY!
Me: Are you joking?
Ross: No. I am not joking at all. I am serious.
Me: And my boy?
Ross: He comes. (gestures, sweeping hand towards himself.) I love him.
Me: And Harry? And turtle? And snake?
Ross: All are okay (to come). (Holds up hand) But not the mice. They are not tame.
Me: I agree. When?
Me: (Immediately I feel hope and light energy sweep over me.)
Ross: It's true. Are you sure she's okay? (the patient)
Ross: What are all those numbers?
Me: The green waveform is EKG. The green number in the top right hand corner is pulse. Blue number below is the pulse ox. The blue waveform is the pulse wave from the pulse oximeter, and it also shows the oxygen saturation. The red number in the left lower corner is the blood pressure. I cycle it every three minutes. The green bar shows I have one minute to go until the next cycle. The white number is temperature internal core temperature, in the esophagus.
On the anesthesia machine, the yellow waveform is the airway pressure. The numbers are peak airway pressure, mean airway pressure, PEEP--positive end-expiratory pressure, and respiratory rate by CO2. The green waveform and numbers are the minute ventilation, liters per minute, also the tidal volume (which this minute ventilation is tidal volume times rate). In the left lower hand corner are the bars on the screen which represent the flowmeters. I have twenty percent air and eighty percent oxygen, as the yellow and green bars (oxygen is always green by convention, air is always yellow, nitrous oxide is always blue). On the right lower hand corner are the anesthesia agents. I am running sevoflurane with an end-tidal value of 2.3%, which is a little over one MAC (a unit to measure depth of anesthesia). The white numbers on the bottom are the ventilator settings. The sevoflurane vaporizer is almost full. And the BIS is 41, it measures the brain wave activity, and the patient is in the general anesthesia range, the deeper end of it.
Ross: You understand all that?
Me: Yes. All anesthesiologists do, honey. It's part of the job.
Ross: Do you fly?
Me: Only on an airplane, silly! (as a passenger)
Ross: I fly and I don't have to know all that. I am right above you. About nine miles up.
You are beautiful.
I meant it when I sent that song by Bruno Mars to you this morning (Just the way you are).
I love you.
Are you laughing?
Me: Yes. It started as a miracle between us, and now it feels like its going to be a long trip.
Ross: Our whole life. I can't stand it.
Me: The what???
Ross: The wait to be with you. I was Patrick at Sequoia (when I was seven, at Dorst Campground). I was there for you. Remember me? (Patrick had dark brown hair, was wiry thin, two years older than me, with deep blue eyes and freckles. He was the kindest boy I had ever met. He helped me climb rocks and logs, took me to see a meadow, and showed me snow flowers in a drift of June snow. I cried when his family drove away. They had shared the campground next to us for three days, and left to go back to Pennsylvania.)
(this song comes on--the radio has been off all case, and the nurse just turned it on:
The World I Know by Collective Soul
Ross: I love you. You are my Rose of Sharon for all time and all space and all eternity.
Our Love for you, and Our Gratitude for your service on behalf of the many on Gaia is UNSURPASSED!
You will have a surprise tonight. A Happy one! I LOVE YOU. I will go, but for a short time. (places his hand on my arm and turns to go.)
Me: Ross! Are you okay that I'm numb?
Ross: (embraces me and kisses my hand). Yes. (Holds my chin and looks me in the eyes.) One last kiss for the road! (kisses me gently) OPEN! (He speaks to my heart.) and waves with a smile on his face. (It's a quiet wave with the palm still and the fingers going up and down together as one unit)
The next patient was a boy, a youth, really, who looked just like how our son must have looked--I had been praying to see what he would have looked like. Dark brown hair, deep blue eyes, and freckles. A beautiful smile. Gorgeous child. I just looked at him the whole case, and took the absolute best care of him. The father, after the case, looked much like Ross or Ross's father. And the mother? A blonde version of Ross' mom.
I felt Ross's energy signature both in the song and in the patient...
Aloha and Mahalos,