Sunday, June 22, 2014

Facing My Higher Self

I will give you a little perspective on the 'getting to know your higher self' process, how it is going right now for me, and then I will share with you--at Ross' request--the actual transcript of what went on yesterday with Spirit and my Higher Self and me.

What Spirit thought was going to be like this:

bright and hopeful

beautiful and deeply enlightening

Has actually turned out like this:

It's a cat fight. I don't like her. Not one bit. I don't like the CONCEPT of a 'Higher Self', I don't like anything even remotely related to me.  And not only can none of the Galactics or the Council understand it, they find it FASCINATING and are watching and taking lots of notes.

Long story short, in the car this morning on the way to buy breakfast burritos, I leveled with Ross:
Her needs are met, mine are not. She is soft. I don't like it.

He snapped his fingers as he held his right hand up and said, 'I'm on it'.

Instantly he played his song for me, the one I always know is from him, and I really listened to the words this time, and they meant so much:

Pompeii by Bastille

The next I know, a friend from Australia is private messaging me. She is going through the same 'dark night of the soul'--and says Ross is putting a hibiscus behind my ear, and says he is Right Here.
To a native Hawaiian, which in one lifetime I was and completely remember--this means I am taken, if I wear it on the left ear. Ross is saying I am taken by him, I am his, and his alone, forevermore.

I was born in the year of the dragon; I don't take crap from anyone, ever, and I always tell it like it is.

Transcript of Yesterday's Introduction To My Higher Self:

on my porch swing

Ross:  Good Morning Honey.

C:    Hi. (I feel like I am in trouble.)

R:   You can stop any time you wish.

C:    Give it to me straight up. Go on with it.

R:    Why are you unhappy?

C:     It's not me and you. There is this other woman. I don't like it.

R:     What is it you don't like about this other woman? (your Higher Self)

C:      She hides! And is lazy. And makes me do all the hard work!

R:     With this you are angry because it is not fair distribution of the work?

C:      It never is.  Not anywhere. (I point to the unawakened)

R:      It is a rescue.

C:     It is an exchange. My soul for theirs. And hers. What do I do, go away like a drone when all this is finished?

R:     We do not dispose of anyone.

C:     So she designed me? Like an avatar?

R:     Come to speak of it yes.

C:     Why?  I was happier as a Seraphim. Was that Her too?

R:   (stop stop stop -- waves hands back and forth low as if to erase a chalkboard)  This is not going well.

C:     Why should it?

R:      You really don't like her?

C:     She gets you every day. I am her Joke.

R:     You are the most important part there is. That's why you were sent.

C:     Are you bullshitting me?

R:     I am not.

C:     What the fuck is this?!

R:     I want you to take a little nap.

C:    (all of a sudden I feel really sleepy. I lay down on my side on the swing.)

R:     I will adjust.

C:    (I saw my higher self, my sister from when Ross and I were both incarnate, Archangel Michael,  Marvin, Emorea, and Mother Mary.)

R:     You are one with me and I am one with you. We are Twins. Not one but two. Are you okay with this?

C:      Yes. 

R:     There isn't anybody else but us. You just have to REMEMBER. Are you okay with this?

C:    Then WHY  is SHE talking to me?

R:     This is what you have to remember. Who she is and why you are here. It is the amnesia that makes both of you separate. You and she are one. You are still every bit my beautiful bride and nothing can take that away. Not her.

C:      Am I G.S.?

R:  Yes. I am C.

C:   Dude? How can I be an entire planet? Your twin? And her?

R:   (waves his hands and talks to others--she is remembering)  That is why Nature soothes you. You are Daughter of D.M. and my lovely Twin.

C:   I am the hologram?

R:   Yes! We all are. Even myself. We built it and now we are going away. (shows me an image of a hand with the fingers stuck in smooth jello, and pulling the hand out.)

C:   What happens to the hologram?

R:   It dissolves. Like jello in the sun.

C:    (I excuse myself and go to Papa Silverstar)  Papa? Are you real?

PS:  Yes. All you connect to in mediumship is real.

C:  Then what is this? (I gesture to my back yard)

PS:  (pause)  It is a beautiful dream. It started as such. And now we are freeing you from the complications. 

C:   So what I see and hear and feel like this breeze on my skin, it is all illusion -- on the outside?

PS:   yes.

C:    Damn...

R:    I want to come in.  C--my princess--you are very loved. By me.

Higher Self:   Where are you?

C:    I don't know.

HS:      On your porch?

C:     It looks that way.

HS:    (points to my wood bracelet)  What is this?

C:    A focal point for me that Love Is The Solution For Everything. 

HS:    Do you love me?

C:    Like I love my patients. At a distance. Not close like Ross. I am not lesbian.

HS:  (laughs) you are funny! I am here for you. (laughs) We are having a funny joke, all of us together! (the neighbor is hammering loud, the whole concept of Duality, etc)

C:    How come you know me and I don't know you?

HS:  That is the amnesia.

C:   Do you love me?

HS:   Yes. I powerfully love you. We have much in common, you and I.

C:    Why?

HS:  There is nothing funny about this, is there? You are a sacred part of me and I a part of you.

C:   I hope you got what you wanted.

HS:  You did.  I am M.M. as are thee. You have my memories and also your own. I am a Seraphim like yourself.

C:    I have to pee.

HS:    Come right back. I wait.

C:  (I return)   I am a Joke. This is my worst Solstice ever (ed-- this is my favorite day of the year, and here I am crying for hours)

HS:  This is your best. You met me.

C:  I am nothing. Every dream I ever had just got taken away.

HS:  They aren't the right dreams. Now you have a fresh plate. What would you like to do?

C:   Die. And go to the Galactic Central Sun and forget I ever existed.

HS:   Why?

C:   Better to not exist than to live a lie.

(Instantly I am transported on board a ship. The Council is here.)

Council:   You are our bravest warrior.

C:  I am a lie.

SaLuSa:   In what way?

C:    All I ever want is out and to Love Ross. Be Mrs. Ross.

S:     Why can't you?

C:     Do you have a Higher Self?

S:   (taps his chest) It's me.  

C:   mine is someplace else.

S:     You are connected. By a fine cord. Of Light.

C:      Who is she?

S:     I like her. Just like I like you.

Divine Mother:  (I feel waves of love energy) she has had enough. 

(the council goes away)

DM:   How are you my child? You are like the baby bird that spreads its wings. I am the parent who watches and feeds you.

C:   How come I didn't know about my Higher Self?

DM:   You would not have succeeded at this 'game' or 'rescue' without the amnesia. Now the 'game' is almost over. You will understand just a little bit earlier to help the others. Feel my loving energies and drink them in.

C:    (I take what is offered)

DM:   Rest. On your side. On the swing. You don't have to go anywhere or do anything all day.

(At some point, during this conversation, my Higher Self came and gave me one Reiki symbol. It is hers. She says to use it and to see what it is for).

So there you have it.

Last night, I could barely sleep. I could hear Ross arguing with the Council. As I drifted to sleep, I told them that whoever planned this 'meeting' needs some sort of punishment because it really hurt, it was painful, and confusing, and I wasn't ready for it at all. I told them they need to go form some 'committee' and discuss it until they get it right before they ever do this to another living being again.

All of my fire is gone. All of my strength. All of my joy, my spark, my creativity, my will to go on.

I also apologized to Her, my Higher Self, for my behavior. I told her I love her, but right now, I don't like her and I need some time to myself so I can get used to this whole situation.

I told another friend, who also is on friendly terms with her Higher Self, that the best I can do right now, is I can imagine mine as an older sister who is away at university and we speak only on the phone.

In many ways, through all of my incarnations, I have been a loner, one who is scrappy and will do whatever is needed to survive. I work alone, and count on no one but myself. I have my freedom, and my sense of well-being is based on that.

Discovering my Twin, Ross, is my dream come true; he is the same, and yet, my Other.

In my heart, it makes sense, us, and the memories of our family.

So as I fell asleep, I felt the pain of knowing my Higher Self LIVES in the house where Ross has shown me that I live, she takes care of our children, and runs the home, and lives with Ross--while I am here in Duality--she lives in comfort with no disruption to her life whatsoever! The memories I thought were my own, belong to her, those of the past which give me comfort.

No wonder why I am distraught and upset.

Ross goes to bat for me often with the Council. Many have never been incarnate. None understand the experience of time, of waiting. It is of no concern to them at all. They want everything done, and done right, and apparently there is some risk in the whole situation if it is not done according to plan.

Sometimes I feel as if I am a guinea pig or something under the microscope when I am with them. There is sort of a 'detachment' of them, from my needs, my fears, my concerns, and my hopes. They wish me well but at the same time do not alleviate the situation. This is how I came to believe in their eyes, the needs of the 'rescue' outweigh my own, and that it is a sacrifice, at the expense of my energy, my soul, and all that I am or ever shall hope to be.

I give thanks for my friends and those who offer their experiences in Duality as Lightworkers too. We are all in the same boat, more or less, acting as surrogates for those who are deeply entrenched in the illusion.

When I awoke, I was told today that I would experience Happiness and Joy.

It helps tremendously to write about it, what happened yesterday. Like something is unburdened from my heart.

The hibiscus flower helps the most, too.

Thank you Ross. I love you.

Once I find you, I am never going to let you go.

Not for anyone, or anything, or any reason.


Aloha and Mahalos,

Reiki Doc