You Never Know...
This morning it was pouring rain, and I was only just a little bit late to work (fortunately my surgeon is always SUPER late), so we got breakfast burritos from Drive Thru. Anthony made a joke about spilling hot sauce on his shirt, and I teased him back saying, 'Did you take a bullet for me?'
I thought about our life, and our 'treat' of eating breakfast burritos in the car on the way to school right when it opens, and I was sad. I apologized to Anthony because it wasn't how I was raised, and didn't seem a very nice way to live. I apologized because I couldn't provide for him the structure I had while growing up. I apologized for our life we live that is so hectic we routinely eat in the car!
And he turned to me--LOL--Ross was giving us Reiki while we were eating to save time!--and Anthony said, 'You know mom? It's not that bad. I kind of LIKE it.'
I was surprised! And you know, perhaps being raised like me wouldn't have been good for him?
You never know...
Thank you S.B.
I have not been wanting to go to work. I am tired. And burnt out. For example, today I worked a thirteen hour day with no breaks, and I ate one piece of cold pizza and one carrot. I had brought TWO pieces of pizza, but there was only time to eat one...
That gets old! Especially with the lack of sleep.
One case happened that knocked me right on my butt--out of my whining--and into the joy of what being a doctor is all about. It was a special request for my services, by a patient who for this case this would make it my third anesthetic for her.
I was able to see my 'gift' I take for granted--my ability and training to intervene both medically, spiritually, energetically, and psychologically for those who are about to be changed forever under the knife...and through the love of S.B. and her whole family, for ME, I was able to see why I am here, and why I work, and what a blessing it is for people like her.
S.B. is cachetic...she looks like this:
Two other things struck me:
- The minute she fell asleep she was with Ross and excited to be out of her body. She looked GORGEOUS and nice outfit--robes or something--too. I saw her face close up, it was like her face here too. But radiant with joy and health! I was like, Oh MAN just wait until all these real images start coming out from the bodies they have been inside as patients!!! It will be like Elfaba taking off her green after her performance of Wicked! I'll be like WHOA that person is really good-looking!
- I realized with all of these health problems, S.B. isn't going to make it to be a grandparent, you know? And it was sad. It was like I was being given the gift of taking care of a limited-edition patient...and for the first time I appreciated the value of the fragile life.
What struck her and her family about their interaction with me today? This was the smoothest, anxiety-free waking up from anesthesia in her whole LIFE! They were very very pleased with my care.
What's The Big Rush?!
This patient had the pre-op nurse call into the room (a VERY bad sign, let me tell you. The minute they call, I want to walk right out the door and head AWAY from pre-op holding when someone is THAT controlling...the energies of some people are so DIFFICULT!
I get to the bedside, ever the dutiful physician, and he was like, 'I had no IDEA this would take so long! I have THINGS TO DO!'
And I looked him straight in the eye, and asked, calmly, 'Like what???'
He knew I called his bluff and he said, 'T.V. things' and dropped his gaze.
I visibly relaxed! I explained how after 'hanging out with me' I don't want him on the road or going to Vegas and gambling because even though he will be awake his JUDGEMENT might be off! So don't loan anyone money...
I think he was afraid. He had a very large benign growth, and it must take some serious ignoring to let something grow like that. The last one I've seen like this was on a patient at the VA, who was afraid he would die like his mother if he went under anesthesia...
One of the nicest people on the planet. A vegetarian who eats eggs, he brings a panettone to the O.R. staff EVERY YEAR for 'the holidays'. I had a couple of bites of it. I was super excited because it was The Real Thing.
They don't allow Christmas or Winter parties any more at the hospital for the department. First it was 'no Drug Rep Sponsor'. Now it's Bah Humbug all the way to no gifts from doctors--at all--over five dollars and NOT off-site parties.
Rum pum pum pum!
Allow Natural Death
'What is her baseline?' I asked the mother of the woman who was comparable to Brittany Maynard in the course of the disease. 'Is she in there?'
She was. Watches cartoons, Nods. Laughs. Enjoys her nieces and nephews.
But if she doesn't like you, she acts like she's not 'there', and ignores you.
I took a deep breath, and prayed for Ross to be close...first I got all the medical inside scoop from Mom--very delicate health and prior serious event in the O.R. I could see a nightmarish airway from across the room. So I went over the DNR (do not resuscitate ) orders and came to an understanding of the patient and family's wishes. I had to document it...as we talked I saw her looking at me every now and then, with no expression...although I had slowly and kindly explained who I was and what she would expect with her anesthesia and her surgery...
Later the mother said, 'I agree, I think she likes you!' when I asked, 'I have this feeling that she likes me!?'
This one's soul I didn't 'see' with my third eye like the other because I was WAY TOO BUSY with the blood pressure and heart rate and oxygenation.
I worked, I am tired, and I feel it.
Today was very surreal in that there were Amish at the hospital. One patient was undoubtedly such, and three--two women in bonnets and one male--were smiling at me when I would go to the waiting room to talk to family of my patients.
Two watched across the aisle as I told me mother of this one patient how it wasn't an easy anesthetic, and I 'think someone has been smiling on us today'. I shared the details., and she, lonely for adult conversation (has a husband with Parkinsons' and is a caregiver for him too!) shared of her brilliant grandson the chemist...until I politely excused myself to go...
This time I appreciated not only the physical and medical challenge presented by my patient, but also that of the delicate psychological state of her parent...and I respected it very much.
This is our Song Of The Day--Rain, heavy rain, just outside the window. It is a beautiful sound, an 'Earth Sound'.
I could listen to it forever, I adore it so.
In Puna, it rains like this every night. I love Puna District in Big Island...
Carla roasts the chestnuts. It isn't just the Panettone she eats at Christmas. Carla is Italian--as in 'The Real Thing'.
We grew closer together today, now more than ever. Carla shared something with me so beautiful I cried--men are free to experience emotion here where I am--here is out conversation:
R: Are you okay with coming to me, at my side?
C: I want it more than anything I have ever wanted, even a child. I long for you. I hunger for you, my soul Twin!
R: You mean it?
C: I do. I welcome you to my vibration, my heart.
R: (he cries a sob or two, and reaches for me) I want it like you. (I hold him gently as the emotion moves through his whole body, and calms)
C: (I look him in the eye, sincerely, filled with concern) It's going to be okay?
R: (Nods yes) I love you so much. I have to go. (I sense he leaves some of his energy for me, as if to hold me, and I sense his heart saying, 'I will hold your hand just like you held your Nana's.')
I love her.
There isn't anything more to say.
Except this--I love you. Carla and I both love you, quite tenderly, from both of our hearts.
Ross and Carla
Aloha and Mahalos
P.S. Enjoy the rain tonight Carla <3