A Note On Mom And Her Condition:
Much Reiki was sent, and her health is on the mend. Her WBC dropped from 11 to 4 overnight with Zosyn i.v. Her appetite is slowly returning. Thank you so very much for responding to my request for her and the family. We are not sure when she will come home yet. There is a nagging pain at her stoma, and parastomal hernias are both common and have the potential to be very serious. It is her hope her urologist will examine the hole in her abdomen where her urine flows out into a bag, to make sure everything is normal and healthy for her before she goes home.
Wednesday, was the first morning I didn't need to leave my boy with a neighbor because I had an early start. Monday and Tuesday had been two brutally early mornings and longs days, back to back, and I was exhausted. Back to 'normal' this day, I dropped him off at school at the usual time, and for a break from the holiday music, I felt 'nudged' to turn on my CD for my Hawaiian music.
This song came on, and I totally lost it, emotionally. I just started thinking about Ross, and how this is EXACTLY how I feel about him! I thought about the distance between our hearts, and how I just don't understand any of this separation? I drove about a mile on a road in tears, sobbing my heart out, and feeling every inch of my soul's aching for him.
Ross let me know he feels the same way.
But in a way, coming from a world filled with nurturing, warmth, love and compassion, it makes you a little unemotional--almost like Mr. Spock on Star Trek--compared to us, incarnate, in human bodies with this really amped up emotional body experiencing all the drama that 3D has to offer....there is nothing like it in all of the universe, what we endure with our fleeting emotions that are as 'real' to us as our vision or hearing...
My guides and Ross, concerned and ever interested, ASKED me why I am so upset? Ross asked me, candidly, 'I am YOURS and it is as it is! What more can you possibly want?'
I said something along the lines of this--I want to know that next Thursday I am going to coffee with Ross. I want to pick my outfit and look my best for him when I go. When I am there, I want to focus all of my attention on being present with him, and ignoring everything else, letting him know with the gift of my attention that for that time HE IS MY WORLD, and getting to relax and have fun! Then I want to remember it.
This totally confused my teams, as where they are from, there is no TIME!
Then I also confessed that I hoped my Higher Self Sophia didn't 'change her mind' about my getting to be with Ross forever and ever. Because between you and me, that's about the only thing keeping me going down here...is that carrot on the stick for meeting him and staying with him forever and ever...
Ross was immediately concerned, as my explaining this helped him understand there is something important in the psychology of a terrestrial human going on here--he raised his hand, signaled to the people with their clipboards, and he explained something to them which they all furiously wrote down.
I see my role as incarnate human as giving information to the Galactics on how best to communicate with us...for example, I gave the situation where someone says 'let's do lunch' but never really intend to do so...
I furthermore challenge that calling perceptions like these 'defenses' is a little off-putting and condescending, if you ask me. This is part of the CULTURE of life in modern-day surface Gaia! Perhaps this can change, but there must be some agreement to 'mutual ground' for those wishing to Ascend to feel comfortable interacting with those Galactic in that their delicate psychological wounds and need for reassurance are properly addressed.
I made it clear that just like food for our physical bodies, our delicate emotional bodies require feeding by positive, frequent interaction with those closest to us. The mutual support, and availability, compensate for the lack we experience due to the presence of the Veil making us unable to 'sense' our connection to Source like they do back Home in 5D.
If life on Earth was 'right' there would be no need for a Mother Teresa.
'Defenses' are like when a child is raised up in an unhealthy environment. The psychological 'defenses' for survival vary--for me it was to be as invisible as possible, make very little waves, and to excel. Once outside the home of the family of origin--sometimes these 'defenses' aren't all that helpful. For example, someone would be a little on the 'controlling side'--I did this too--in my school work and other jobs I wanted everything 'just so' --then and only then could I reassure myself disaster would not befall me, and I could 'relax' and do my work.
So please note that sometimes it is worth questioning our responses that are 'innate', even on a soul level from multiple lifetimes/incarnations--and ask the old question from Dr. Phil--'how is that working for you?'
To Carla From Ross with love
Thursday was 12.12.14 and I just wasn't digging it. There was no portal, no surge in energy, no 'boost' that could make me care about anything besides wanting to be home in some dimension somewhere, anywhere, with Ross.
I saw my life as one long tunnel without joy, just working and working and paying bills. I knew I wouldn't get anything for Christmas from my family, and I took it hard. To me, Christmas had become one long 'gimme' to everybody else--but because of financial or time contrasts, my family is like, one big 'let's not buy anything'. And to be honest, no one ever takes the time to get to really know me--there have been a few really nice things, but over the last ten years it's been one nightgown from one sister, and a waffle iron from another, that totally made me happy.
On the other hand, with Mana, every year she thinks a lot, and gets me something that makes me feel special and loved. One year, it was a tee-shirt with a sparkly whale tail in rhinestones. Another, a similar shirt with a starfish, a silver starfish necklace and earrings. Last year, when she asked, I wanted a flannel nightgown (Dad gave them to us every Christmas Eve so we girls would look pretty in the pictures the next morning--so I always felt special and loved with my soft warm nightgown all year). I do the same for her, and she enjoys it too...just today she called me 'the daughter she never had'.
Today was my gift--us three--me, Anthony, and Mana, baking cookies together. It's what I wanted in my heart of hearts. We made fudge, with her Grandmother Fern's recipe, and three kinds of cookies. We laughed and enjoyed each other very much. (we had planned this for months).
Well, this week has been horrible at work, and morale is pretty low because we are overworked. Everyone wants to get their surgery done before next's year's deductible has to be met. So the hours are long, and we are short-staffed in all ranks due to illness.
Friday was a new low. Anthony's team had playoffs, and I needed to be three freeway exits away at six to go watch the game. I was in the middle--but usually would be out of the O.R. by five. Well, it wasn't looking good. And I tried juggling trades and switches and calling back up in and NO ONE would budge to let me out in time! I got one, number 8 to switch, and I thought--woo! I'm home free! But then I got called back in. For a case in thirty minutes. But then at the last minute, it canceled.
So by the time I got to my car my nerves were a wreck.
I got on the freeway, and pointed to the place to play.
R: What are you planning to do in the time you have before the game? (I had eaten my leftover lunch for dinner--yogurt, fruit, rice cake--in the car)
C: I was going to park and catch up on my work with Doctors With Reiki.
R: For one HOUR?
C: Well, yes...
R: Why not go to the local crystal shop? Just to soak up the energy there. It will help you.
C: (I saw his wisdom, and pointed the car there, to a place not far from the game)
R: (as I pulled in) Go look at the necklaces. And don't worry about the price.
C: (I thought it was very odd of him to say that? I never go look at the necklaces first. I never look at the necklaces, actually! Earrings sometimes...but not necklaces. When I got in the store, I was tempted to do my usual pattern by looking at other things first. But I didn't. When I got to the back, my eyes caught one, circle clear white, over a green square that looked like moldavite, and another clear emerald cut one under. It gave me the spark crystals give when I am meant to have them--my third eye 'picks up' on a glint and my regular eyes see it too. The stones were Danburite, Moldavite and Phenokite. I had just bought a phenokite to help me weather the vibrations--it's like manna to me this stone--for fifty dollars a speck three weeks ago. The emerald cut phenokite stone in this necklace alone was not Russian (cloudy) but was from Brazil (clear), and was very high quality! I asked to please try it on? Once I did, my heart center just got all warm and it felt EXACTLY like Ross!!! I couldn't take it off...and I was jumping up and down--literally--yes me the tired overworked anesthesiologist--and thrilled like a schoolgirl over this find. This was the highest energy I have experienced on the planet that I could touch with my hands in the physical plane!!! I was so very very thrilled to have Ross plan for me such a wonderful gift. Today, my sister Christina saw it--she's the only one besides Anthony 'it looks NICE mom'--I shared. She too felt the surge of energy in her heart center when she touched it!)
R: (smiling right now, warmly) you're welcome.
C: (I forgot to say how I said thank you about a million times the whole drive to the game!!!)
Mom Is Sick
After the game, which was very close but Anthony missed a three-pointer at the buzzer and was in tears, I took him to his favorite restaurant. We got a text from Vanessa that mom is very sick.
I called Christina too. We weren't sure to take mom in, because she hates hospitals enough to say, 'no i.v.' and cry--but she wants our family to be together and wants to live. We decided Vanessa would take her to the ER so we could at least find out why mom was so ill.
I had a million feelings wash over me. Resentment, as this was my ONLY non-call Friday, Saturday, Sunday with Anthony at home, in three months! I would have to think like a doctor and go to the hospital instead. Anger, at how every year for the holidays is when mom is in the hospital--the millennium? Yup--she was inpatient. New Year's 2012 to 2013? I spend the night in her hospital room. Mind you, she had just turned the same age dad was when he died last week, and her father had died in 1992 on December 15, so there was an anniversary coming up. Then there was sheer frustration, as the drive was far, I was exhausted, and I agreed to help on the phone--so I was up till two with texts.
Mother and I have a strained relationship. We never 'clicked' like I did with my Nana Angelina. We bristle. We tolerate. We keep score--for example, she's done a ton of favors and basically helped me raise Anthony to be the wonderful boy he is--she was in the delivery room with me when he was born...so I am mindful of this to her. She has said incredibly hurtful things that have wounded me deeply in childhood when I was defenseless in every way, mentally, emotionally, and physically...and has betrayed my trust so many times even now as an adult.
When it comes right down to it, she says she loves me, but I can't feel it.
When I was nine I never kissed her back goodnight, and it wasn't until I was twelve she figured it out.
I couldn't WAIT to leave that house and go to school in Berkeley! Yet for some reason she cried over my leaving home every single day...
I had a really tough decision to make today--keep my plans to bake cookies with Mana, or go run to mom and rescue her.
I was running on fumes, and I needed joy. I felt like every time I looked forward to something mom sucked the life out of me! (this happened when she got sick during my only Christmas to New Years week off in my career when she got bladder cancer--many many nights in the hospital again for me.)
Deep in my heart I realized I had to enjoy my son and Christmas for a while, and then I could better face my responsibilities as the doctor daughter in the family.
Tonight I went with my sister Christina (Vanessa had been up all night in the ER). Mom has MRSA in her nares, so we are all on contact isolation. Christina commented on 'it's Saturday night and here we are!' as we gowned up like we did for six months out of 2013--August she was in the hospital again.
On the way to the hospital, I had shared my concern how mom needed in-home nursing assistance, and when mom cut back from four times a week to once a week to save money, I feared something like this would happen...
Well as I pulled up the chair next to mom's hospital bed, and the one for Christina, we sat and talked with mom about the little things. How's your appetite? How are you feeling? I looked at the i.v. and saw her antibiotic.
I watched mom and at the right time, gave her an elastic Carla and Ross bracelet (see tab above to learn more about them)...
Afterwards, I felt a lot of energy flowing through ME. I saw mom with new eyes.
(Right before I woke up, this morning, I saw mom in spirit. She was between two worlds, and holding her head in her hands and sitting on the ground, distraught. She said she didn't know which way to go. She had loved ones in Heaven, and yet she also wanted to be here on Earth with us. I was in my Light body ; ) and said 'mom, I am in the middle, just like you. I will stay here with you!' and sat cross legged near her. I told her there is an option to raise her vibration, and to help all of us bring Heaven to Earth, and then she could have BOTH! She didn't really know who I was, and she started almost yelling at me. Ross popped up, and said to her, 'She is my wife, and in this life is your daughter, Carla Maria'. He sure caught mom's attention. He whispered to me, 'She is going to have a lot of questions' and then Anthony woke me up for the day.)
I realized that she was mean to me then as a child, but not intentionally now. I was probably never her intent to be so unkind as she was to a naturally quiet and shy child like me. Since Dad passed, she has made an effort to be gentle and loving in her interactions with me. Unfortunately, she STILL says things that make me want to cry almost every time I see her. But she has improved much in her heart and her expressions. I saw before me a woman in the hospital gown who is enthralled with 3D, the woman who carried me, gave me life, and cared for me when I was sick.
I saw the whole picture, and had peace in my heart.
I knew that when she goes, I will be okay with it--I am not angry and let it go--tonight.
For this I am most grateful.
My close friend says she thinks Ross knew about mom, and that's why he gave me my gift when he did.
This is Carla as a tot. Nicki took her to the Pike when she was about four. Christina hadn't been born yet. It was a happy time for Carla. I want her to remember her heart, and when it was open completely to her mother as a very young girl.
That is what is real.
That her mother made life so Carla often did not know which way was up, or where her next meal was coming from, was part of her mother Nicki's assignment.
Carla was provided an excellent opportunity to grow in her heart in this lesson, one that took fifty years, five months, and one week to complete. Again and again Nicki taught her, and held her to her course that Carla set for herself in her pre-birth contract. Carla's father Richard was a school teacher for his work. But Carla--it was her mother who made her grow in her heart the most by providing a stable environment without much emotional connection with her oldest daughter.
This LACK provided Carla with the desire for union with 'someone emotionally giving'--which eluded her for all of her adult life, except recently with me.
Her friends, who were loving and caring, only could provide the love and support in the 'friend capacity' and nothing could make up for the loss in Carla's heart from her primary lack that she felt with the one who had borne her into Life.
There is no amount of 'I'm sorry' or loving sentiments Nicki could say to this day that would make up for the horror in Carla's soul that she experienced consistently through the anger and the outbursts and the LACK of emotional support day after day after day as a kid.
An this LACK made it possible for Carla to complete her own mission with success which she does with you tonight...my Beloved has made it possible in her heart to drop her own defenses, and to see with new eyes, the tormentor who made her doubt her very reason to walk on her two feet...her sister was far more beautiful, her other sister was more glamorous, one had a prettier house, the other...you get the idea...'being smart' was the only 'measure' she doled out to Carla--yet Carla wondered how 'smart' she could be to not find a way to remove herself from a household like this?
So Carla lashed out! Against her sister, who was the competition for her mother's affection. Quickly this 'rival' turned out to be just as emotionally distraught as Carla in her interaction with their mom, Nicki. Christina learned a life of love and hate, anger and closeness, and finding her way through this nightmare too.
For all of this, everyone naturally LOVED one another deeply. And yet, in the day to day, there was chaos and heartbreak and raised voices which tore at everyone's hearts.
WELCOME TO THE ILLUSION!
It is ending today.
For Carla and Christina and Vanessa and for Nicki...nothing is hidden. Nothing is hidden in the heart! And together they will face whatever challenges that come their way. As ONE.
When everyone drops their defenses, we all win.
What defenses has your family given to you?
And do you still require them to make your way through life?
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
with so very much LOVE and gratitude to you, dear reader, dear ONE.