Pain
Yesterday I was having a conversation with a close friend and fellow blogger, about how nice it would be to have a way to 'count down until vacation' for the changes we have been anticipating globally on a planetary Ascension timeline. I confessed that it is the waiting and the discomfort of this aspect of experiencing Time as we know it, that is painful to us. And this is a part of the life experience the Galactics seem not to appreciate; we are constantly told 'soon' and 'right ahead'...with no finite amount of time to measure until IT, whatever IT is, 'happens'.
I have had a odd feeling of 'impending loss' for some time now. It's been just long enough since my house had the two plumbing disasters, and I 'sense' my 'rest period' is over and it's time for some more spiritual growth.
(I want to say that I am sick of it and complain all the time to my guides--'no more lessons!'--just like possibly many of you.)
Mom has been too 'chipper'. My earth mom is a real pistol, a total piece of work, who NEEDS someone to look after her medically. She is a walking oral-boards question, with complex, complex, complex medical issues and needs, who needs the equivalent of a board-certified anesthesiologist to manage her many conditions--diabetes, diverticulosis, c. difficile colitis in the past with contact isolation, kidney failure, transplant kidney, bladder cancer, high blood pressure, aortic stenosis, myocardial infarction, a bleeding/clotting condition, severe allergy to antibiotics, and pulmonary disease just as bad almost as what killed father.
It was the hours and days in 2012 holidays in the hospital with her, helping her go to and from the toilet, handing her the cup right in front of her with water ever two minutes, putting the bed up and down, in her misery, that made me realize I do not have what it takes to be a nurse. The psychology of the ill, I 'get it' when I am in the 'doctor' role. And I'm totally fine with it. But as 'caregiver'--the way the mind goes totally is something I had no clue happens--the neediness and the need to control, the denial of what is happening to the body, the tries and tries to get out of the hospital by making the impossible happen (wanting to urinate without a catheter, for example, and going hours and hours without voiding before the bladder tumor was diagnosed.)
So the LOVE is there, but not the patience and understanding of how mom really acts when she is sick.
She shared how her sugar was up in her last labs that were drawn on wednesday. She said, 'I must have eaten something sweet the day of the draw.' This is unlike her. She is very cagey. She KNOWS more than anyone how to work the system!
It was infection. That makes the sugar go up. So I got a call from my sister, who said the nurse agency took her to the ER at the phone call from the doctor. about the lab results.
So here we are, with my stubborn mother who NEEDS 24/7 supervision to make sure she keeps her sugar right, eats healthy, and doesn't ignore important 'cues' her immunosuppressed body is telling her that her delicate 'balance' is not 'balanced' and needs urgent care--who has FIRED all her nurses because she 'likes her freedom'.
Let me repeat--the STATE was having a nurse come every day, for FREE, and mom cut back until the state covered no more. We told her, 'mom, you are eating up your daughter's lives--these people are giving us our lives back--KEEP THEM!' but to save money, she cut back the hours, and then thinks she can clean the house (she was a hoarder--it took hours to clean the house, days really, when she was last in the hospital. I did the fridge--the freezer and fridge were full of sweets and unopened insulin bottles), and doesn't even drive!
As a result of this and many other, 'I gave me just enough rope to hang myself'--self-described medical nightmares mom can't seem to keep herself out of...I see this as a lack of education, of understanding the truth on a deep level of the condition she is in--not a character flaw but--here is an example--a nurse anesthetist is licensed to give anesthesia, so are anesthesiologists--but the training is different. There are many things the first doesn't even know are trouble but are very rare, so, most times everything is fine and goes safely. Well, it's like mom is GOOD with her stoma care, and taking her medicines (except the insulin) and very likable and charming. But what she doesn't know--the trouble that's right outside if there is one misstep? That takes the consciousness of doctor, which she doesn't have.
So I had that feeling 'the holidays are here, it's time for mom to get sick' during our morning call and dismissed it from my mind. (My nana Angelina's first anniversary of her death is in three days or so).
I am set to lose my earth mother, my spiritual mother (she is incarnate and heading home soon), my spiritual sister (we were sisters at the time of Ross and my incarnation together, and we call ourselves Amee and Analee, our names from then. Ross is still Ross, in case you are wondering!), and a little bit more but I don't care to explain...
Everyone who knows me, the real me, knows I don't handle loss well, especially since the first time I lost Ross when we were incarnate.
So yesterday, I lost an earring. My pretty white gold heart with three teensy diamonds that Anthony wanted me to buy to match the necklace he and Ross bought me for my birthday--these earrings I bought in Hawaii this summer. They are stud earrings, and not big. I found the backing but not the front.
Immediately Ross said, 'You will have something better!'
And in my heart of heart, I knew it was gone, and I shouldn't bother to look.
But I did. I combed the room, the call room, on hands and knees and the carpet is really hard to see things on. I took off my clothing, and searched just in case it had fallen there. But I had been all over the hospital, with me on my phone some of it, and it was most likely lost there.
So fully dressed--mind you!--LOL--I looked everywhere I had gone--ER, Doctor's Dining Room, OB, OB OR, OB PACU, cafeteria, hallways, surgery waiting room...nothing.
I met an Egyptian security guard. He called in my loss. And when he saw I was French he shared he trained in Belgium, and lived in Cedex. We had the first conversation he had spoken in French in fourteen years! Freddie the surgical technician, and father of a girl who has the same birthday as I do, was coming out of the lounge, and he looked too, even though he could go home. He always finds his daughter's earrings. I was touched.
It was a test.
I am monitored. And I know my team now who measures me. And this was a test to see how I handle loss.
I prayed that it went to the right person for the Highest Good. I cried over my earring--once I got back to my call room. As I was searching the halls, I kept hearing, 'why are you looking?' And I said, 'Because it's what you DO when you lose an earring.'
I kept sensing this is how Twin Souls are with each other, always searching for the One...of great value and great significance. And I thought how Earth sucks, because I know TWO who know their Twins and had to kick them out because they are jerks! How can a place exist where Twins don't enjoy each other?
I wanted the earring because Anthony chose it.
I wanted our baby pictures.
And my jewelry? Even my nice Carla and Ross bracelet, the first one ever made, broke. It's fixable, but I can't wear it.
What lesson is this? What lesson is this?
It's Ross' lesson. He came to me, on his knees, and confessed that I had to have a test on 'Loss'--so he chose the earring, because it was less than my spiritual mother, my earth mother, my spiritual sister...and met the criteria for the test.
I started crying again, and hugged and kissed him for his lessening the blow to me!!!
I passed that test. Ross confirmed it.
Matthew's Message Comments:
Just scroll down if you don't like the message. I do, the whole thing except one part--I don't trust Francis. I know who is behind him, and what those people do when they are faced with unavoidable defeat. They 'throw us a bone' and 'act nice' in order to 'wait it out' and 'rebuild'. I think there is some ARTFUL disinfo in there. (Here is the article)
I also disagree with Creator being different from God. Why? Because:
DIVINE FATHER + DIVINE MOTHER = CREATOR (also known as SOURCE)
The reason I want to call your attention to the comments is because there is one 'more' type of Lightworker Personality I've noticed and it's shown REALLY great there--the 'Gimme'. Can you see how those souls are not doing 'the work' on their own vibration and raising it--so they won't NEED a Matthew or a Carla to channel for them? Instead they are in their frustration casting BLAME and saying 'I want you to do x and y and z for ME--you aren't--and you SUCK!' How's that for raising the vibration of Gaia? Ew.
How totally, totally embarrassing.
Another personality I am trying to 'crack'--mind you 'Love Is The Solution For Everything'--but how to apply that love is where the skill is my muse (LOL)--is the very 'by the book' Christian.
One day I will figure it out. But these are the things I think about...and ponder.
I like solving puzzles and mysteries.
It's fun.
Ross
I love you Carla.
I am coming. You won't have to be alone and listen to Al Green anymore.
Soon.
I will hold you in my arms and cherish you.
You have had a hard day. It was an exercise in letting go, which is hard for you, and I am to blame for this in the way I left you, and had our infant son leave you as soon as he left the womb right before your loss of your husband and Twin on earth, me.
(He looks at me intently)
That is WHY I am present at every birth of a child on Gaia, ever since I died. EVERY one, even the ones who are born in darkness.
I bless it.
(He was there for a c-section, too, and we embraced and were happy to watch this new little one of to a good start--Apgars 9 and 9)
I do this to honor you, the woman I love.
(he looks at you now) The contribution of the Divine Feminine to our life as we know it, is important. I ask you to appreciate it, to make note of it, just for today...and tomorrow...and the day after that too.
You get the picture.
Changes are coming that will rock your world to the very core of its existence! Not just with Carla and myself, but with everything else out there too.
When? I can't tell you because it hasn't be decided yet. The one who decides will know with no uncertainty when it is time to unlock the last gate and release the energy of enlightenment to the masses.
That is enough for now.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla, my bride who is beautiful, gentle, kind, and warm. I love her very much, with all my soul and heart.
