My mother always wished for me to one day find a wonderful man, and live on a ranch where I could have horses. She still tells me to dream about it.
Ross told me on Tuesday that he's going to buy a house for me. He showed me some by comparison, and I was surprised at how big they were!
I basically left it up to him, to take the lead, and to show me what to do to find my 'dream home'.
To be honest, I stopped dreaming about a home ever since I got this one.
I was talking with my mom the other day, about how lucky she is to have her house where she is now, with the beautiful back yard. And she told me that every day we were in our old house, she dreamed of a house that had many of the features of this one. It's like a retreat from the world where you can see nature from every window.
You would think I get the hint, but I am a slow learner when it comes to some things. It's hard when it's just you, and you are the provider of your small family.
Last year when I was getting hints to move, from Tim Braun's sessions with Spirit, and from my life circumstances--I was told that this area can't support my spiritual growth for much longer. It's time to 're-pot' me into a different pot.
But the MEMORIES!
Of my parents! Of Anthony being little. Of all the happy times we shared. Of our neighbors!
I just couldn't.
Instead I got involved, changing the 'status quo' and challenging it. Not only did the California Pepper Trees get saved on our street, but now, the property management company has been FIRED just like I'd prayed for, with all my heart, for us to be free from their tyranny.
Just yesterday my heart sank.
I've always had a little fear that one day the golf course in our community would be turned into a shopping mall or worse like they did in Los Alamitos near where I grew up.
I've seen how they scrapped an important part of the community here from the eighties--a place where history was made--in order to 'update' it. We never were members there, and I still don't understand what was planned, but due to the scandals associated with the place (sex by swim coaches upon their young star athletes) which had been going on the whole time since the eighties, I figured it was for the best to have a clean slate.
I just saw in Next Door how the City Council is wanting to 'update' our local shopping area, turning it into a 'downtown', and my heart sank!
Remember how I described the District in Tustin as an absolute hell hole? Apartments everywhere. Trendy ($$$) shopping?
They want it here.
Our neighborhoods were once the safest in the whole nation.
There's lots of nature to enjoy. Lots of community like the one where I grew up. Little strip malls with huge parking lots. Nothing fancy. No major restaurants. But lots of little places enjoyable for the families to go. Even a bowling alley...that's not all 'modernized' and turned into a place for young people to enjoy 'night life' like so many others have been 'updated'.
So what to do?
I wrote my councilman and said, 'if I wanted to live in Tustin I would live in the District--I prefer to live HERE.'
Then Ross told me to look for homes. For my new one. Just to see how I responded, and to get the manifestation going. I spent several hours on Zillow.
I am so tired!
I went to bed hungry, tired, and upset.
I don't like any of them.
I decided in the car yesterday it just wasn't fair how I'm getting too old to take care of fruit trees I always dreamed about (I would get miniature ones like mom's apple tree), how I'm getting too old to ride horses (I stopped when I was fourteen and forgot everything), and how I'm going to be an empty nester.
I looked until my eyes ached! I looked in the area Ross said to look.
It was horror.
There were the new condos all stacked up on top of the garage with no garden whatsoever but a 'roof' where you can 'see the beach'. All for a million dollars!
There were homes 'steps to the beach' (more likely a mile) that were either really old and too big, or way too remodeled for my taste (I enjoy taking a bath. These 'shower rooms' with tile everywhere like stone are just too gross for me.)
Poor Ross! I knew he was measuring my reactions however they do up where he is.
I wanted a small, one story, Spanish style house with a yard that was by the beach.
Even when Ross said, 'Carla! look anywhere! Money is no object! just look!' I realized I need a home built by a really good architect. There was one for four and a half million dollars built in 1974 for a math teacher from Berkeley. The floor was pebble and the same inside and outside the house. It's up on a canyon, with ocean views and canyon views. Everything is glass, windows everywhere. The kitchen is tiny, but there is a place to eat breakfast that's sooo pretty! My heart leapt.
Then I realized, the place must get totally hot in summer and cold in winter. It's not clear if a breeze can come through.
And besides, it was way out of what I can afford. My own home is one tenth the price and I'm struggling to pay off that mortgage before I retire! It's possible, but ambitious, you know?
In the meantime, the house is creaking and 'settling' as I write. I'm not sure if it's in support of my views or the opposite...
But I tried.
It was very difficult, very painful, extremely frustrating, but I tried what Ross asked me to do.
As I was falling asleep I cried for him.
I got the waves of warm, and he assured me, I am here! I am with you!
I told him how much I wished it wasn't just me to run this life, especially for Anthony too.
I spoke to him from my heart.
He asked me what kind of life I had wanted for myself, and it was to find a wonderful man, marry, and have children and enjoy our lives together. (oddly enough, I saw I would have had my unfulfilled dreams of being a doctor plaguing me in that life too.)
Ross asked me if I knew what his dream had been? When we were together?
I didn't know.
He wanted to build us a house. He knew how. He wanted to build us a nice house, and work hard, and support his family.
I asked him WHEN he had those dreams?
When he was a child. When he knew me, and saw how much I followed him around and trusted him. He would dream of one day when he was old enough, what kind of life he would be able to provide?
But it didn't work out for him in that life, either.
I did learn that it was in India I had our daughter, he was with me at the birth, it was very difficult, and I was twenty-five. He was thirty. I was very happy in that home where we had once lived. He was delighted to become a father. I saw it like a movie in my mind's eye.
Then things changed for us. We went back home. But it was nice to know what happened, how we felt, and what my age was.
I was twenty eight when he died.
Oddly enough, that was the same age in this life when I began medical school...
Yesterday I had two breakthroughs.
You know how I wrote the other day about Those Who Do Not Have Our Best Interest At Heart, who won't change, and how it's sad because this is Illusion and they are choosing to Merge back with Creator?
It's because I know someone.
It made me sad, but I got to the point where I respected their choices and let it go.
It is what it is, you know?
And the funny thing is this week I have done Reiki in the O.R. both times I have worked with this person. Just the daily healings I send.
Something also guided me to ask a certain question about restaurant recommendations during the end of the last case too.
Remember how I also wrote about Jaipur? And my love for India?
We had doctor's day yesterday. My patient was pregnant so we had to cancel and I had a huge gap.
I sat with the crazy spine surgeon who goes to the gym every morning at three to work out, then starts his day too early for me to drop Anthony off at school. He's nice.
It turns out he's from Bangalore, and so was the woman anesthesiology professor who inspired me to do a fellowship in cardiac. I spoke of her chewing the betel leaf to stay awake while on call, and her telling me it's a bad habit, not to start it (it causes oral cancer). I spoke of the pastries she would bring from back home, of her mother making the mix with cereal and nuts that was very savory and spicy! I shared how her daughter had an Arangetram dance recital, and how I enjoyed sitting next to my teacher who explained the stories the whole three hours her daughter did her final recital for her classical dance. And the food at the party afterwards!
He didn't know her by name, but he said to take the train, the Palace On Wheels, with a group, so I could see India. He said I would enjoy it.
He also explained cricket to me.
At this time, my surgeon sat with us.
I asked, 'what sports did you play growing up?'
Baseball, as a kid. And on the golf team in High School, but never since.
When you are yourself, and authentic, and genuinely interested in others (an accepting of them on a very deep level), miracles can happen.
My energy usually repels people who are of a certain wavelength/vibration such as this, they can't understand it and it is uncomfortable to them. Most conversations with this leader in the field , have been short, work-related, and never with a heart-to-heart connection. But the open heart and joy between myself and the Indian doctor, ATTRACTED the one enough to come join us.
I also, in my working, have been communicating more in between cases, about what time is moving along, what is the hold up, and what I am doing to expedite things...perhaps this too has built trust.
It's been many years at this workplace...you never know! And with Spirit, anything is possible!
You should have seen the LOOK the Chief Nurse Officer gave me in the doctor's dining room yesterday too. I've met her over a celebration thing where they all barbecue and serve the workers a meal. I met her over a veggie burger I asked for. But she didn't know--she didn't KNOW about me, and Reiki.
Yesterday she did.
It was a total double-take as the administration is all about 'wellness' and on the 'bandwagon'. It was another who told them about me. Another nurse who said, 'you should ask Carla!' LOL.
It felt nice.
As an aside, there were Doctor's Days which were lavish, they served sushi, lobster, steak. Yesterday I could tell the austerity of today's health care markets is real for our hospital. Our theme was 'camping'. We were served food in mason jars (guacamole, salsa, merengue pie, strawberry shortcake). It was barbecue. I loved the flower arrangements on the patio tables around the umbrellas. I asked at the end, and they let me have one. But the 'candy' bar, the 'GORP' table, and the 'S'mores' area was just...I don't know...it just reminded me of growing up in North Long Beach. Once upon a time physicians were really 'up there'. Now, we are, you know...happy little campers I suppose?
I'm grateful to have work.
Oh my gosh I had a scare!
On my walk back to the car, with the flowers, to keep them in the trunk and 'safe', I saw Ross up where he is.
But he wasn't alone.
Some woman with dark hair who kind of looked like I don't know was with him. She was bent down as if to talk to a small child, and she said something to me. 'Oh, Look at --I don't know what she called me but she said my name' and then I couldn't understand the rest.
I felt like I was in kindergarten. And I didn't like it. I didn't like her AT ALL.
So I blocker her out.
You can do that, as incarnate. It's like holding your hands over your ears and closing your eyes. You just cut the transmission, off, blank, and they can't read you and you can't see them wherever they are.
I am actually very good at it.
I allowed Ross through. And I confided to him, and I said, 'I would rather work with you...because...you've been HERE.'
He said instantly his heart melted and he understood and I felt a big energy hug from him.
I felt like a specimen.
I don't know who this woman is, and I recall asking Ross (since I sensed it's my higher self) 'does she look like me?'
He sort of, a little, but no.
I 'got' that I have had many faces in my many incarnations, they weren't all the same at all. I 'got' that without saying a word.
And I felt anger.
I felt anger at her for putting me through so much while I was here on Earth, incarnate. It was relentless, the lessons, the pain, the having to be strong, everything.
I've always felt like she sits up there eating fucking bon bons and amusing herself with my plights.
I don't want anything to do with her.
I don't like this whole Higher Self business. I never have. I never will.
I just want to be me, to have freedom, and to never be compared to anything or anyone ever again. Forever.
I'm okay with Michael, and Ashtar, and Marc. I speak with all. The higher self and incarnations each are helpful, and as the incarnate one, I know the extent of the suffering--very much like my own--and I TRUST that they are 'legit'.
Michael and Ashtar are not eating bon bons.
They are working hard to get us here on Earth back HOME. So is Marc.
With Raphael, it's the same.
I had a long, long, very long talk with Raziel as I was falling asleep (by the way I was hungry but too tired to fix something to eat. I never had time for dinner because of my work).
He has one True Twin, but other than that, no one but me. And he assured me the part that is with me is true. He loves both. And I saw how I, when I am with any of my husbands in Spirit, I don't understand how it works but there is a sense of no one in the world being around, it's just us two, in different locations with each one, and I have a sense of wanting to LEARN something from them.
I told Raziel in some ways I feel closer to him than my Twin, Ross, because in life, Ross hurt me very much, and it's hard to trust again, where with Raziel, he's never hurt me at all. Just like everyone up there in Heaven.
And I knew the whole time, there's a connection to Ross. And he's hearing and feeling everything I say, as I say it, and he's not judging me.
There were many downloads to me last night.
And much learning.
But I didn't sleep well.
Fortunately today I have a late start, Anthony is with his father.
I might go back for a nap.
Ross wrote me a letter yesterday during my next case.
I wrote as he spoke.
He apologized for the incident with my Higher Self. He said that never in a thousand years will I have to interact with any of my higher selves again, even if they want to congratulate me on the end of my Earth Walk/Earth Plane Existence on a job well done, unless I invite it. (he also told me about where to look for a home, and also, about my legal situation).
I have to be the one who initiates the contact first. And if I prefer to work with him, that's okay.
To be honest, I don't have anything in common with my Higher Self.
I don't even want to have a cup of coffee with her.
I don't want to bond or share or go shopping and all that female friend stuff.
It's been one long slow painful incarnation after the next, without much relief until I reconnected with Ross somehow in 2013.
I don't understand any of it at all, this whole Earth experience. It makes me feel stupid and like I'm being tricked. I feel that 24/7, if I let myself think about it.
Separation from Creator is not fun. It's the worst nightmare anyone could ever experience.
You never 'congratulate' your child when they wake up and tell you they had a nightmare.
You console them. You tell them everything is okay. And it was only a dream.
I hope that everyone where Ross is understands this and gets it right.
You don't throw a party when you kid wakes up and has had a nightmare.
You invite them to sleep with their mom and dad, to feel safe, and to get them a cup of water or something to help settle them down.
Ross wanted me to write, so I did.
Now I think I will go back to sleep for a while.
I'm not really in the mood to write what Ross may or may not want to say at this moment. I have a headache, I'm hungry, and I'm sore from a bad night's sleep, tossing and turning...I will give him time when I feel better about things...please excuse me for being human right now.
Ross and I love you with all our hearts. This I know is true.
Aloha and Mahalos,