I am giving my beloved a ride of his life!
As the energies storm within, and release, they are reaching a new peak.
I surprised myself with two situations yesterday...the first was a colleague who isn't helpful, and I needed his help. He 'has a life' and 'commits' to his own well-being, yoga, tennis, spending time with friends.
In short, he lives in a bubble, and I popped it forcefully for him yesterday.
I had been trying to get him to switch call with me--my six for his seven--because I was totally STUCK. Jared wouldn't keep Anthony. There was basketball practice (it's far). I had to pick him up and feed him and get his clothes and fight traffic...I couldn't reach by telephone any of the three people who could help me out in a bind--his dad's girlfriend, my sitter (she sells shoes now), or grandma on dad's side.
The colleague saw me calling. Both our cases ended at the same time, but there was a new case to start.
I had it.
I let it out.
Is someone counting on you? I challenged my colleague.
It all came out. Everything.
Nobody ever cuts me some slack here for being a single mom. No one. Not EVER! I'm tired of it. If I have to be 'one of the boys' then that's the deal and I understand. But I am NOT one of the boys!
I forever have this scarlet letter on my chest and I am PAYING THE PRICE every single day and I PAY and I PAY for EVERYTHING.
This child is going to be stuck at the school and it's a dollar a minute. This is his first basketball practice with me for the travel team. He needs to eat before he can play, he hasn't eaten since lunch.
EVERY SINGLE DAY BETWEEN THREE AND FIVE IS HELL ON EARTH FOR ME AT WORK WHEN I AM CALL 5,6, OR 7.
I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead every single day. I can't take it.
He asked me, 'Well, how can you send all this loving Reiki every day if you wish you were dead?!'
Because LIFE is CHALLENGING to all of us, and my gift of Reiki is helpful in dealing with it!!!
Here I am, on the way home, stuck in traffic, and I let Ross have it.
I'm not the type to air dirty laundry. This is for educational purposes. And it is a genuine conflict between us.
It is also important to note that I used to scream at my teams A LOT, then I got really passive and almost not even me, and this is my first good 'spirit' and 'fire' I've shown in a long time.
I called Ross on the carpet.
I told him he needs to pull his weight around the house. I can't do it all any more. I am washing dishes, doing laundry, earning a living, going without sleep.
He said he was doing his stuff on the spiritual end.
I agreed with him. He's doing lots more on his end than I can even imagine, I'm sure it's a lot, and for this I am grateful.
But the piles of dirty dishes have to go. The stress of picking up Anthony has to go.
I told him, 'It's YOUR kid and YOU have to help make things happen. HERE. In the physical!'
He said, 'I am not incarnate!'
I said, 'I know, I don't care, I need help!'
He said, 'What if I pay someone to do it?'
I said--and I really lost it at that one--'I need help and I need it from YOU!'
Then he got about as angry and vexed as a galactic ever gets, which isn't much by our terms, but if you know theirs, it's really mad. He said, 'YOU are the one who wanted the child, and I gave it, and YOU have to accept full responsibility...'
I knew he was right. I knew he was always right. And I knew that I was at my limits and I just couldn't produce anything any more. I couldn't make it work. I didn't know how. And I didn't like my life, not one bit, for all the stress and unpredictability due to my being a single mom with a super busy profession.
Ross didn't say anything.
I stopped off at Philly cheesesteak. My patient earlier was from Philly, and said they were good. You could get them here. He said you need the real Amoroso bread. He was thrilled to describe those sandwiches. So I had them in the car for us when I picked Anthony up from school. We ate in the car. And changed (five minutes). We were ten minutes late to the practice but fortunately the coach was fifteen minutes late. All was well. Anthony and I were thrilled at the sandwiches. (I wish they had a vegetarian equivalent)...he had his first vanilla creme soda too. We shared one can.
This morning, when I first woke up, my teams were giving me encouragement. They said I would be happy. They haven't said things like that in a long time.
What stayed with me, was watching Ross.
I saw a close up.
He was washing dishes. Plates. White ones. He was washing them very slowly, and handing them to me to dry.
I can't tell you, I can't even find the words to explain how much that means to me. It reaches to the deepest core of my angst, and soothes it. That my hell on earth--in some way--and believe you me, being a single parent is really, really a joy and a challenge! (my hell is being stuck at work--to support us--and not being able to mother Anthony, not when he's sick, not when there's important things in his life, not like my mom was there for me.)--well, Ross notices, and he cares enough to show me he is caring. That he listens. And that he's humble enough to get his hands in the sink, and wash the dishes, just like me and you.
Aesculin is destroyed by heat. Roasting makes it safe--the chemical is deactivated. But I didn't 'roast' them--I baked them.
That's why I got the stomachache and nausea.
Anthony laughed when I told him. He was like, it tastes horrible and how many do you have to eat, mom, to know it's not edible?
He's right. I can't tell when milk is bad too. I need him to sniff it and let me know.
There was a conversation yesterday about body odor in the O.R. A certain breast surgeon doesn't wear a bra or deodorant. I think it's to avoid breast cancer in herself. But the teams noticed her smell, through the gowns even, and try to stay away. They don't know how to tell her.
I've been through the 'natural deodorants' myself. And one nurse in the heart room had to tell me to go wear some deodorant.
Finally I found the right one that is both natural and effective.
I hope they weren't talking about me when I was out of the room, too!
Sometimes the sea has nice waves, and you can ride them. It doesn't have to always be a storm. And the waves are fun.
There were two HUGE breakthroughs yesterday.
1) I gave anesthesia openly as reikidoc to someone who is a healer, certified to work with crystals.
That was really nice to just 'be'.
2) My friend who encourages me to write now knows about this work, and is okay with it. She's an MD, scientist, etc. And she's cool about it! I could walk on air! No teasing me (and she has teased me about everything in our day!)--about being a psychic, healer, Reiki practitioner, blogger, medium...not one peep! I'm so grateful.
There was one more, Ross just reminded me.
Anthony shared, 'Mom? Sometimes when I think of things people do them. Like, 'USE THE PENCIL' or 'MOVE IN YOUR SEAT SO I CAN SEE THE BOARD'....'
I shared how for two years now, in the hospital, how when you think of something to say, but you haven't yet have time to say it? There is a pause, then the nurse or whoever will go, get me the item I need, and give it to me, just as if I had asked them with my words, but I hadn't.
He has the pause too.
And Anthony's isn't openly working that hard on his Ascension, LOL. He's busy with his childhood.
I am officially 'not in the doghouse' with Carla!
I know it (he touches his chest) I can sense it, I can feel it with my heart. Our souls are connected. That's why we are Twins. He soul and mine are the other half to a pair, together we make ONE full Illuminated Soul. Both can function independent from one another. But they fit and are in perfect balance and harmony when they form one.
And for the record, yes, I have a 'pair'. (He smiles) And I use them. Up here in the afterlife there it's very much like where you are. That's why we are always smiling (he's making a JOKE! oh! for the life of me--that Ross!!!--ed)...
Actually I felt it, Carla's suffering and despair. And I knew it, once she felt the, 'maybe the whole planet should just blow up like it did after the dinosaurs, etc.'...
I talked to her, what about Anthony? your friends? your family?
And I got a , 'they'll be okay' that I knew Carla was serious.
There have been times after the Ascension path had been selected, that Carla longed to go back to the 'tried and true'. Only I couldn't.
That is why I washed the dishes for Carla--even here in the afterlife--to communicate to her I care deeply about her well-being, and her suffering, although not like my own, is in its own way, more awful, for it has been going on to the Divine Feminine, without ceasing, since the beginning of time. Without the Divine Feminine, life would not exist. And yet, in most societies, including Carla's, the work of raising the children isn't revered. There is a physical and emotional need for a woman who is a mother to spend time with her family and to tend to their needs. Back in the day, when I was incarnate, I accepted this as 'women's rights' and although I saw to it that Carla studied and spoke openly with me (for some women they were subservient throughout) I never 'got it' that the 'magic laundry basket' and 'meals' and 'dishes' were all from her love for us, her family.. I do now. And for this I am grateful.
And that is all for us today!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc couple