Spirit has been working on me big time.
To grow.
I'm working on some really deep things right now, which is ironic. The irony is that you know how it's ego that makes you all surprised and upset when you find out things you thought in society were good and nice and safe and really aren't? (courtesy of Those Who Do Not Have Our Best Interest At Heart)...
Well...
Well, well, well, well, well...
Sigh...
The same is true for our own beliefs about US, and as we grow in Consciousness, we begin to see the patterns and the untruths we tell ourselves, about our lives --for most of our lives. When we do our ego work, and clearing our emotions, this is doable when we approach this stage of Ascension.
Let me offer myself for an example.
Last week, I asked Ross for my dream home. To help me find it.
This is huge.
I've taken care of myself by my own wits for survival for many, many years! How can I ASK for something like that?
It wasn't my place in the family to ask.
It was my sister's.
Mom taught her to always ask because the worst thing that could happen was that someone could say NO.
Guess what?
She always told me no and never encouraged me to ask! Never, not even once, to ask for my dream. I was left with the feeling I didn't deserve it. Only my sister did.
Does this make sense?
So add to it a layer of 'Tribal Belief'--something that was handed down generation after generation--on daddy's side believing they were going to end up in the poor house and starve...
There you have it.
What I SEE now, with my own two eyes, the spirit eyes that see truth....is...
- A little girl who grew up in North Long Beach where there was terrible financial distress but I was too little to know or understand. There was no money, and I thought everyone was like that. Except for 'the rich'.
- I barely left home. I needed mom and dad to pay for my dorms. I paid for everything else on college. Everything, everything, everything. From my summer jobs. My coursework as an engineer was so rigorous, I couldn't work and go to school. Except as a reader. I graded homework. But that check for my rent wasn't always on time, and I knew it was a huge struggle for the whole family. I felt guilt.
- Things got bad when I didn't get a dorm the second year of school. I had to scramble. I had roommates for two years, and it was very rough. I hated having to get them to pay their half of the bills and the rent. It was uncomfortable and awkward.
- When I married I moved into HIS apartment. We never looked for a new one together. We couldn't get our lives on track enough to save for a small home and buy it.
- When the marriage got really BAD--I didn't leave. My parents paid for the wedding, which was expensive. And also, I didn't think on my scientist's salary I could support myself. I wanted to move to San Francisco and have a little apartment. The rent was sky high, and there was no rent control like in Berkeley. I stayed longer than I should have, and finally left to go to San Diego.
My breather was I got into graduate student/faculty housing at UCSD. My rent was only seven hundred fourteen dollars a month. It was subsidized. And when they were remodeling, my rent went DOWN the next year by twenty five dollars! It was a tiny house, an awkward place to live, with triangular shaped rooms. It's like the living room and bedroom made a rectangle and it was divided diagonally by a wall.
By residency, I was PAID by the hospital! However, my income was so low, I qualified for Low Income Housing. I was very depressed in my unit in a huge apartment complex facility. It was right next to the trash chute and I heard lots of noise from it. It was dark inside too. I think my rent was nine hundred a month. I was also paying off my student loans.
I remarried, this time an ER RN, and moved to HIS house, a townhouse. I would have liked to have shopped for a house to start fresh, but it wasn't happening. There, I paid half of the mortgage to him as 'rent'--seven hundred fifty dollars a month. He paid for the utilities.
I left and bought this house. I didn't have much time to look or choose. Our marriage was over. I counted on Spirit to help me pick. We had set the place of his up by splitting it down the middle, and it was very stressful. I wasn't going to move to an apartment and then a house though. Just one move.
This house has cracks, and almost a year ago, I was ready to move out of fear the house would fall down. It turns out, even though it too is a townhouse, it's 'normal wear and tear' and many homes in the area are experiencing movement like this too. It's in a zone where this is known to happen.
So here I am between the comfort of the old, and the discomfort of leaving it for something new. I see clearly all the blessings in this house that Spirit led me to (I had a dream, and I knew by the orientation of the windows in the master bedroom this was it), that it wasn't coincidence or chance. I've been told my neighbors were all 'hand picked' in Spirit just for me.
That's where Tim Braun has come in.
He's working with me. The facts are, the energies here aren't right for me. One day I will be too old for the stairs. And Anthony will be off to school.
But my mortgage is affordable, and I'd like to pay it off and relax, you know?
Tim says, 'Ask God for This or Something Better'.
So I am.
That's why, for the first time in my life, I asked Ross for what I want. It's not easy for me in many ways. I don't KNOW what I want. But I do know he knows me better than I know myself. I wouldn't mind 'something new'--a new neighborhood. But I like this one where I'm at too.
EVERYONE close to me is moving. Anthony's grandparents. Anthony's dad will be forced to move if his refinance doesn't go through (house is split with his brother who moved out, and he wants his money back). My friend wants to move to Oregon. It's like spirit is telling me something.
Well, Spirit is telling me other things too.
I got this:
And this:
Then I saw this:
And this:
Doreen Virtue had a relevant card, too, about financial worries being over.
So let me put my cards on the table.
I support myself and Anthony with no help from anyone. For anything. Except Spirit.
I do all the insurances, too. I buy my own healthcare for us, dental, vision...along with the usual house, auto, and malpractice insurance.
I feel STUCK.
I love my patients. But like my friend Shirin said, she did six years of cases from like midnight to four a.m. when she was on staff at Cedars because she didn't have block time, as a surgeon. She couldn't live that lifestyle. So she started her own business, a hernia specialty. No nights, no weekends, no call.
Most of my friends at my reunion with me, don't take call. Only the hospitalists and the anesthesiologists did.
It wasn't until I realized, looking at the rents in La Jolla (my first apartment would now be fourteen hundred, and my one from fellowship would be two thousand today)--that I was protected by God and God is Good and looking out for me in ways I could never imagine!
Then I saw a Facebook post from a newly divorced postpartum RN, who bought a new house 'back where her roots are from' in Long Beach...who posted this verse, '"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19'
And on my table, from my card deck I keep there, I saw this verse: "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself." Matthew 6:34
I realize with my whole heart, That Spirit loves me, I am loved--both by Ross and Creator--and I don't have to worry about my future, as long as I keep my eyes open, and SEE--both in my own patterns I inherited from my father's side of the family which are unhealthy/unrealistic/unreal....and SEE that even though the money is just a total nightmare (I'm supporting myself and wanting to slow down, NOT commit to huge payments/taxes--and kind of wanting to so 'something else' with my gifts besides the medicine ones.)...
I finally saw it.
I wanted to see the movie we own on DVD, Nacho Libre, since Thursday.
My mom on Friday said for some reason she had been thinking of it the whole night too, and didn't know why? (yes, we ARE connected! aren't we?)
Today, I watched it with Anthony. I asked. I made us bean dip and chips (like the movie). Then we had yogurt. And Mexican hot chocolate before bed. We were both happy and laughing...it was much better tonight than it would have been on Thursday when I wanted it.
So...
In summary...
I have money fears that aren't mine.
I have a lot of financial commitments.
My energy in my neighborhood and home is good for me, but I need something 'more' to nurture me and support me in my next phase of spiritual growth.
Spirit has probably figured this out a long time ago, and they are getting me used to the whole concept.
With everyone I count on leaving this area, that might be another reason to leave too.
The right thing will happen at the right time, and I have incredible angels on my side. Already now I can see how they help me with my schedule (tomorrow a day off)--Anthony on a camping trip when I have an early start...
I'm going to be okay.
As much as I would like it, we never stop growing. I would have loved to have stayed under Anne Reith's wing and never developed more if Spirit hadn't made my schedule totally impossible to attend any more classes after Karuna Reiki Master!
How can this translate to you and your spiritual growth?
With grace and ease! The more you start feeling your feelings, being comfortable with awakening, and doing your releasing of what is holding you back so you can Ascend, one day you too will start to notice some 'funny things about yourself'--your own belief systems and internal inconsistencies (my dad's poorhouse fears)...and you will trust both yourself and Spirit--and be less hesitant to grow!
Ross claps. It's time for bed. Eleven. I was so sleepy this afternoon I took a nap on the couch when we got home. Ross was very pleased and let me know it, after the ballgame. Hate and fear has turned to family love with Jared's parents--as loving as any family every is---we've come so far in Anthony's lifetime, and in this we are most blessed!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple and Twin Souls
