I had a good day.
Even though I worked.
I brought Anthony with me. I had three very short cases.
In the gaps we did pokemon go together.
I had wanted a breakfast that's my favorite.
It was a time crunch, but we made it to the little Vietnamese shop. We had banh mi baguette with scrambled egg, one egg roll each, and Vietnamese coffee. It was his first one. It's iced. And he really liked it a lot. Everything was delicious.
Later we went to another restaurant for lunch. The leftovers are in the fridge at work, for today I work more, and he stays with a sitter.
At the restaurant we were excited because there was a Pikachu nearby.
By some strange twist of luck, I caught it!
There was a fundraiser for the hospital. We had our nice clothes in the car.
Ross wants me to tell you a little about my dress. It makes me feel like a princess! It's burgundy, with a low cut neckline, and sheer sleeves and back with sparkly pattern of embroidery on it. It's floor length, and a little long, so it looks a little like Morticia Addams with the 'train'.
It's a little awkward because Anthony is the only child there. Last year, there were children. This year, I didn't notice until after we had made plans that it said, 'no children'.
He loves these things! He loves the dinners. He loves to dress up. And my group pays for it, for the tickets.
Fortunately he is as tall as some men, and very well behaved. He has a suit.
We competed for two things in the silent auction. One was dinner with the local firemen. My mom would have loved that. The other was four tickets to Knott's Berry Farm. We won those.
I noticed how my defenses were much lower with my peers (some really take money from me, they steal cases, and they ask to limit my hours, and are not very nice at sharing even though they are anesthesiologists)....my old defenses where I used to tense up, they were not present. I loved my colleagues, and appreciated their gifts as souls.
I even heard Spirit guiding me in saying, 'they don't even know what they are doing' with all their tricks to help 'Number One'--that everyone up at Home can see clearly.
This is to show you how smoothly Ross and his teams can work.
There is a silent auction.
It was right after the meal, a speck of fish and a speck of beef, sauces, four carrots, puree potatoes, and a smear of puree peas. I was disappointed with the meal. I ate the fish and gave Anthony the steak--he loves that we share.
It was a blur.
There is one piece of jewelry that is hand made by a local jeweler up for auction every year.
The most romantic thing I've ever seen is a father of four, Vietnamese, Gastroenterologist (my one!) bid for the necklace for his wife. He didn't win, but he bid really high, and it meant so much to me--when this happened a few years back. He REALLY loves his woman!
Ross works with Anthony.
I saw the design, and it was like a flower of life, just a little updated.
I loved it.
I didn't think I was worth it, I didn't think I could compete in the bid (that's the North Long Beach and my father in me speaking--he grew up in the projects of Boston).
Anthony was like, Mom! Bid for it! Bid! Just once! People were bidding and it was going really fast. I had sat on the number cards because I didn't want to accidentally BUY anything from one of those auctions!
I felt a nudge. I got up a little and handed him a card, and told him it was okay.
Anthony stood up and held the number sign, which was my favorite, 207 (I adore 27). The caller said the amount 'to the ten year old' and checked with me if it was okay? I gave a thumbs up.
I heard a bunch of numbers and I figured the others had outbid me.
Anthony was so delighted, just walking on air, saying, 'Mom! I told you to bid! I TOLD you so!'
Later he went and picked up the prize, and put it on me.
When he was a baby, my father had told me Anthony would have always pure love for me, and a son in some ways is much better than a husband. It's true. And with Ross guiding us with the auctions--he did last year with the flight (we won two free tickets anywhere Southwest flies), he did this year, how much to bid (Anthony and I heard the same amounts, independently), I am surrounded by the love of both Ross and Anthony.
As I was falling asleep, I heard the higher self of Saul, not the incarnate one, but THE Saul, the old tax collector turned good, calling to my soul.
He said, pausing because it wasn't easy for him, and very quietly, 'I'm sorry'.
I started to cry.
He said, 'Please forgive me'.
I struggled. I knew he meant it. But he had hurt me bad. I realized I could put him into the hand of God, and let go, which technically IS 'forgiving' even though it's hard to forgive directly in some circumstances. It meant a lot to him that I did.
I started crying, over and over, 'my baby! my BABY!' because Saul is the one who masterminded Ross' giving away our son immediately at birth, and telling me it died (handing it off to a wet nurse for the boy to be raised in England 'for safety')...the grief was fresh, raw, and painful as I let it go with this forgiveness.
The one who is healing was me, not him, with this act of forgiveness.
Spirit nudged to me that I now have a son, a very fine son, and I get to enjoy him all by myself without the distractions. He is warm. Alive. And caring.
It's not the same as the one who was lost, it's not like a goldfish where you flush it and buy a new one.
But I got the point. I give Spirit credit for that.
Then Saul said, 'Thank you' and I hugged him and he hugged me.
Saul said, 'I love you'. I was totally confused. How could anyone like Saul ever love me by all the horrible actions to me in Life that he once did? There were many more--ways in Life he had tried to 'dig' at me, and make my life a Hell on Earth. Yet I felt his soul. It had changed. And it was sincere.
I relaxed. I felt the natural trust and love and harmony return.
It's not like he's going to be my BFF or anything! Not on your life! But I have let go of what was holding ME back. And I can see what Spirit has done to sort of 'make up for it'.
It means so much.
Spirit knows the most effective ways to heal us. I fell asleep thanking Ross and God for everything...that is good.
My wife is a beautiful princess. To me. And she doesn't know it or realize it yet, just how much I love my wife.
This is because Carla, having been hurt time and again in her incarnation now by the men in her life who have been close to her (even her father--who tried to trick her into co-signing for a loan)...it is unimaginable the love I have in my heart for my woman.
Carla, with all of her intelligence and education, can't even fathom it!
But Carla had a taste, just a little sample, of it last night.
And it healed her, in many ways, on many levels, for the wounds are deep in the loss of a child, especially when there is no body over which the mother to hold, and to grieve. Something is 'funny' and it never --she never really 'bought' it--and knew there was a trick. For if the baby had died, Carla would have FELT it, with her energy.
I am forgiven for my part, and Carla and I have worked through it, again and again.
I am a good father now. Much better than I was in the past.
Anthony told her last night, he whispered into her ear, that when they won the free tickets on the airline, 'it was the first time he ever really felt like Ross was up there and taking care of him.'
It made him believe. And trust. And know the depth of the ability to show my love for them.
They wondered if I had known about the Cubs game, about Lindsay (the cousin's daughter who relocated there), about Chicago? The answer is 'yes'--I saw it with the tickets.
So now, Carla understands, through this necklace (and yes, I will pay for it!)--how both I and our boy deeply care for her.
It is a new life.
A flower of life.
And it is shiny!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla