I dang near poisoned myself today...on those things in the photo. I had been someplace--I won't say where exactly--where there were hundreds of chestnuts on the ground. They looked just like this, and a squirrel was going after them! If a squirrel could eat it, so could humans, right?
So I picked many off the grass, being excited to find what goes for six dollars a pound for FREE!
Today I prepared them. Guess what? It wasn't easy to cut them like the chestnuts from the store.
I served a couple to start our meal. They were really hard to peel. And I ate like two, but they tasted AWFUL. Really dry and bitter in my mouth. I didn't make Anthony eat them.
I thought perhaps I hadn't cooked them properly. I looked it up online after I had nausea really bad. I even cancelled Anthony's tryout for his running club. My guess was it was the kind of old, but not all the way bad garbanzo beans from the fridge I had put on my salad at lunch.
Never in a million years would I have guessed I had mistaken horse chestnuts (Conkers) for chestnuts, they are not edible, and in fact POISON!
I feel okay now.
I feel like this is my mini-autobiography of what the Life Experience is like here incarnate on Earth. You see something, you get excited about it, you go and do the work, and then it blows up in your face!
Then you learn.
Learning is expected, and we have complete and total freedom to explore and learn. Even if it's the last thing we do!
The other day I told Ross, 'if I am a Creator Being, and I am made to Create, then WHY do I get so tired every day of making all these decisions? I would like a little break from it, you know?'
I can't recall his answer.
But today at the car wash (I had the day off)--I just sat.
I put my cell phone down. I didn't do the healings. I didn't engage with anything.
And you know what?
Something beautiful happened. I felt the sunshine. I noticed the palm trees (I don't know why they are always near the car washes here, but they are!). I could hear the singing of the birds. I sensed how the others were getting a fresh start on their day...the other drivers getting their cars washed too. I also felt a little glad I was supporting their business.
I noticed as they dried my car, with the rags, that THIS is the vehicle I drive to work, I drive to school, that is so vitally important to my daily life here in Southern California...and it too was no accident. I wasn't quite ready for it at the time. I still liked my little sports car. But we needed something to take home the Christmas tree. In the long run, this was better suited to my needs...as a working mom. It has the little camera in the back, so I don't run over anything precious. It has the phone bluetooth too.
I knew if Spirit could help me with my car, then Spirit will help with other things, everything, really.
Some of MY inner 'poisons' continue to come out in this stage of my Ascension. My inner beliefs, my ego (yes I have ego, I can tell when I get hurt), and my mental strength are coming front and center in my consciousness.
My mother chose a cat over me.
I am allergic. I have a sister who always wanted a cat. Once I moved out--BOOM!
Daddy put up a protest. But mom? No. She just loved it too.
So I couldn't go home.
I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy helping me to heal from that one.
(I learned I can take care of my inner child, and disengage from the situation, and seek healthier alternatives--even though I still technically 'love' my family--I don't have to get sick because of their choices).
Fast forward twenty years. Now the son of the sister is allergic to my other sister's dog. This is the exact same sister who bought the cat and excluded me from the home. My sister is upset because mom promised her the dog would never come to her house after my other sister got an apartment.
Mom likes the dog. She loves the dog. And it's a good companion for mom. He watched daddy transition, and stayed on the bed for hours the whole time until it was through.
My mental strength and wisdom says not to gloat over the situation. It's sad, really. And it's in the best interest of everyone involved if I excuse myself from 'Same Lesson, Round Two'.
I had my first day off in ages. I've been moonlighting (out of fear but also out of hoping it will help change the status quo, and be an opportunity for a better life).
I felt complete and total overwhelm. So much has been piling up in my home and personal life. Big things. I felt like I couldn't do any of it.
I made a list.
It is highly important in these times to make a list so we keep our commitments. I used to use my 'to do' list as a means of control and satisfaction in my life, while growing up and making plans. Now with time speeding up, I am just barely holding on. Today I did half my list. And I also scrapped plans mid-day, because laundry was a highest priority. Anthony had no clean shorts to wear.
The day was actually do-able. And the laundry, although it had seemed daunting, in small steps was very simple.
I also cleaned out the vegetable drawer, because some things had gone old and bad in there. I actually washed the whole bin.
F.E.A.R. is False Evidence Appearing Real.
I had fear over my day. And gradually, I came to terms with it. I didn't berate myself in any way for 'not getting more done'.
It's funny how spirit works. I just got this stone recently (Mottramite), and it's perfect for these kinds of situations of soul growth.
Behold the bile!
Sometimes we 'wear masks'--the Council calls it. It's changing our reactions to something more 'socially acceptable'. Sometimes we wear them for so long, we convince ourselves it's true, its how we really feel.
Anthony was invited to go to a birthday party. This child's father and 'step-mom' are hosting it. She is a teacher at the school. And HER marriage broke up too.
I was like, 'Aha!!!'--they hooked up and ditched their spouses. I didn't say it but I was like, totally fed up.
What I did tell him, is that frankly, I am sick of how relationships happen on Gaia, and I hope they will just stop continuing to be such a source of pain and confusion.
Anthony, who has had many crushes and never been rejected--was totally shocked I felt this way!
I said, with all the sorrow and pain of this incarnation and possibly many more before this one, 'Just wait until your heart gets broken the first time! Then you will never be the same.'
Anthony looked at me like, 'Oh shit!'
I explained how that couple had no business seeing each other. When you have kids, the kids come first, and you don't go looking for that 'special someone' (that is because, and I didn't mention it--because people mess with your kids, either their minds, their security/confidence, or their bodies)
Anthony brought up his dad, and his live-in love...then he sort of put two and two together...and he didn't say anything any more.
I don't want his dad.
I don't want anyone.
I have Ross and I'm happy, but I tell you, it's really not easy having your Twin--even though they talk to you and you can feel them touch you--in another dimension. There is so much alone! alone, alone, alone--everywhere I go, if it wasn't for Anthony--I'd be just as painfully alone socially as I was before any of this happened.
Sometimes, when something you think you have healed -- emotionally--will rear its ugly head and you, if you are Conscious, will get a good look at yourself and say, 'Wow! I guess that really upset me!'
Then you are motivated to go to work on it. To heal. To allow the old feelings to surface, to be 'felt', and to allow them to dissipate, and transmute.
When it comes right down to it, I am stinking mad that I didn't get to enjoy my home more in this life. The life I had in my heart doesn't look anything at all like what I have now--I wanted a nice marriage and lots of kids, horses, and exercise.
Yes, I got my dream to be a healer, and in this I have exceeded all expectations.
I paid a price for it. With the best years of my life. And to be honest, I saw a thing on Doximity doctors make 3 cents less than teachers
This is so true. I was raised a teacher's daughter. I'm used to the hours, to the lack of working weekends and holidays. It's always stressing me how many years I had in school, and how much harder I work than my father. My house is five times more than his, I pay all my insurance (he had Kaiser), but fortunately I have only one person to support besides me.
No matter what, our lessons are our own, and we might as well take responsibility for them.
I for one am grateful I have the heart of Ross, with his wisdom, to verbalize all of my concerns (Including Ascension is taking FOREVER!!!) and to know he cares enough to help me through Here and Now in my lessons.
This is getting more difficult every day. I know in the past, when I decided to be a doctor, it was like dominos falling one against the other, with all the right doors opening left and right.
The crunch on us is getting harder from Those Who Do Not Have Our Best Interest At Heart.
Yet I have Peace.
I know who wins in the end. My team. Our team. Not theirs.
I know I have all eternity to be with Ross.
I know I'm not this body. I'm the soul who resides within it. And after this, there is a world without pain.
Until then, I just keep walking. I just keep cleaning my house as best as I can (now I make Anthony help, I don't baby him). I plan for fun and for nice memories too, and most of the time, they happen.
Most important though, I keep watching myself and my feelings and my behaviors. I'm looking for clues for my next steps. I'm not judging myself or trying to change what is. I give myself the benefit of the doubt, and weigh in on the situation like an outside observer.
One day things will work out. I know it.
Things will be clear, and will make perfect sense. For everything!
I shared with someone who I thought would care about my being Mrs. Ross. It was misunderstood. I clarified. Only to reach silence. It's sad. I know it says a lot more about them than about me. I had been hoping for a breather, a hug, an opportunity to share for we both know Ross! And speak to him.
I can live with it. And I won't let it go and lower my vibration any more than it has already.
I know who my friends are. I tried something I thought would be wonderful. I was wrong, fortunately though, not as wrong as with the horse chestnuts! And that's how as a soul I learn.
Carla sent a huge care package to incarnate Archangel Michael today. He and his family enjoy American things. There are chocolates and candies and postcards of where Carla and Anthony live, in the general area.
It cost Carla good money, a lot of it, to send the box because it's greater than four pounds.
It's worth it.
His family showed Carla and Anthony a wonderful time on their visit to them last summer. They helped Anthony's dream of riding an alpine coaster come true.
That is love.
That is acceptance.
That is the kind of welcome one incarnate 'Celestial' will bring to another!
Do not accept anything less.
Carla, our brother Michael outranks him, the one who hurt you, all the way back here at Home where it counts.
Let this rejection and miscommunication cease.
Let go in love.
And move on to your next adventure while you are incarnate!!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla