Today Ross wanted me to go to Peet's for breakfast, to get my free birthday coffee and something to eat.
Instead I wrote. I get these ideas and I don't want to lose them so I write them down here--partly for you, partly for myself to remember them by, and partly for a written record in case anyone in the future is interested in what transpires in my spiritual awakening.
I capture it in real time.
Today was a strange day. I had for breakfast one cookie, a cup of coffee with milk because it was too hot, and some Trader Joe's cheese puffs baked--like the snack kind like chips.
I got to work 'on time' but not 'early'.
We had a meeting for the department of surgery. I had hoped my friend the Chief of Surgery would have let me be her Vice Chief, but instead, she chose the one who had it before, Dr. Leathers.
Anyhow, I signed on the attendance form, and still managed to be on time for my first case start at the surgery center.
Nagi was there. He saw me in his room and asked me why I was in it? I showed him my project was rearranging all of the anesthesia drug labels. I was adding in two blue narcotics stickers for him. He was surprised I would do something nice for being nice. Not for being paid.
He asked for muscle relaxant stickers. I showed him the roll in his bin for rocuronium, and I got him a sheet of the succinylcholine ones. I brought it to the room for him.
After my first case I had a three hour gap.
I found a bagel in the nurse's lounge and another cup of coffee. Someone had brought in enough for the O.R.
Then the nurses started coming in, and I felt it time to go.
On a 'nudge', I called and found an appointment at the float tank place. It was the first room I'd been in before.
I enjoyed floating before my next case.
I found two new things in meditation. One I will share with you.
It takes a lot of awareness and personal growth to recognize you have regrets in life. Many times we act like things aren't to important to us. But we are human. Things hurt.
One of mine is to not have had more children. I would have liked to experience a large family. I know on a bigger scale, everything is perfect and exactly what I need.
On my human part, though, which is a very smaller scale, it's a little sad.
Being able to accept yourself and love yourself includes being able to recognize and accept your regrets...your shortcomings...your faults..and to love yourself anyway.
Your friends see this about you and love you.
Creator sees this about you and loves you.
It would be easy to just flip a switch, take a pill, state an 'and it is so!'...but that's not how it's done.
It's important to relax, to be aware, and to see it for what it is. Then it will dissolve, by your own acceptance of it, and your accepting the responsibility to change if there is change needed...or to move on.
I decided that I have my own life to live. This Jared/Alexa stuff is really not worth my tears. I have a right to live my own life any way I wish.
I owe it to Anthony to be his emotional support, for this and all things. And to be his confidante, his safe place to share his feelings and never be judged. It's a part of parenting I've had to learn--to validate, to actively listen, and to be a sounding board for him instead of a 'solver'. My goal is to help him find his own path, to navigate his own emotions and life circumstances, and ultimately, to feel confident in these skills after practicing them in our home.
I couldn't have made these advances had I been beating myself up about being a single parent, or working all these crazy hours, or feeling bad about myself.
It's time for us to feel good. Not the 'I AM Somebody!' prop yourself up fake-it-till-you-make-it self-cheerleading stuff.
It's time for us to feel good because we took the time to do the job right, using our hearts and minds working together, and grow by working through the paths which are set before us.
We count down together towards the time when the Council says that life will improve.
With short increases in awareness like today, I can see not only are we making progress in terms of the numbers, but also in terms of the awakening within our hearts too.
Ross waves and says hello, he says, 'I haven't forgotten you' and 'I have something special' for us in the next few days. He says, 'online' not something from the skies. Something here.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple