I sat in my meditation space, and relaxed.
I remembered how something else really hurt me too, on Friday night. It was at Anthony's basketball game.
The girlfriend was there. Anthony's dad lives with someone. He's supporting her, actually. She wants to be a nurse. She's actually quite nice and generally I don't think about her much.
But they were acting like a couple, and it was like waves of pain were searing at my soul. He prefers her over me...
Then I caught myself, and stopped the anguish with: the child of his is with me, I have the child, I have the child, she watches OUR child playing sport.
I asked Ross if I should go and add it to last night's blog post?
Then I saw Ross up close. He said no. And I dreaded hearing what comes next from him...because as his Twin I sensed it...
He said, 'given the situation (where he left you while you were pregnant) wouldn't it have been better if your society had been more open about multiple partners? If this trait (men wanting someone new) was taken into consideration as unavoidable then of what use is it to defend the status quo?'
Wave after wave of searing pain and agony overcame me, and I cried in total defeat, hot bitter tears of shame, of the memory of making my list of items I wanted at the baby store by myself when the system only accepted a couple, all the lack of support when I needed it most from a man who cares about me, the giving birth like a frightened animal, knowing he was calling every hospital in the area trying to track me down to be present when I didn't want him with me in the labor room, to the financial pressure I feel each and every day to support myself and Anthony.
I contrasted that to his society where I would have had the respect and love and support from all for bearing this child out of wedlock, and have been able to hold my head up high and enjoy the pregnancy without the shame...and I cried the hardest tears I have ever cried in my entire existence!
Ross was correct.
Anyone could see.
And yet the thought of such a culture (his culture right now) is utterly unthinkable!
Why would I defend a society whose 'rules' cast me in the role of shame as an unwed mother? Why would I promote monogamy over polyamory where everyone is accepted for what they are?
I couldn't.
But the memory of such arguments with Ross 'back in the day', with his cold, intellect trying to rationalize his misbehavior and 'dalliances' with all the 'groupies' who sought him out made me see red! We have had this conversation before, many, many times, and never once found resolution or agreement.
This time was the same.
I shouted at him with my soul, 'These are painful memories no one who LOVES me would ever wish me to experience, this is cruel and painful, and I don't EVER want to experience these memories (of being abandoned while pregnant, the feeling he was going to break up with me leading up to it, the disapproval of his friends and family of me, the REJECTION) again!'
I sensed that my response was equally correct as his point he made so painfully to me, and immediately, the intensity of these memories cut in half the pain. I could tell it was Divine Intervention.
I sobbed and told him, 'I was just trying to live a good life...' and I ached from my heart. I ached from the loneliness, from his jealousy (Ross is not one to share me and let me have a nice relationship in this life too.) I confronted him and asked about Mike. He is a nice suitor, who made a move for me about one year ago. I would have companionship and friendship in ways I haven't had in thirteen years. And yet the last time I saw him, not only did he have his dogs (I'm allergic to them in the house) but he added two CATS to his home and loves them too! (cats are even more of an allergen for me).
I put it plainly that I don't like our situation with Ross 'there' and me 'here', and he tried to explain he is 'everywhere I go'...so I turned my back on him and went to see Divine Father. He is the only one who can console me at times like this.
He asked me, 'what seems to be the problem?' I explained to him the basics of the conflict, and how I felt about the whole thing. He understood I was just doing my best, trying to heal, and this totally blindsided me. I said, 'I have call today. How am I supposed to get me sleep with something like this getting me so upset?'
Divine Father told me straight out a lot of this was my choice of reaction to it.
I told him if I have to hold everyone up for Ascension over this, I will. And like I told Ross, 'I can't get rid of you. I've tried and failed at that too.'
I went over my feelings of complete failure incarnate because of my inability to find the right partner and friend. How alone I feel. Like an outcast. And it's been this way in just about every incarnation after Ross left me. I didn't know what to do besides hope for a quick end to the last chapter of my life, as there isn't much to hope for, not that I would end it prematurely, but the the life I had envisioned as a simple mother of a large family will never come to pass.
In anger I had told Ross 'if you're going to fool around and promote polyamory, why not invite everyone to line up and mess with me?! I know what to do--I've lived the dark lives--and I've done it! I have the reputation to prove it. Why stop at that? Why not line them up and have them gang rape me like it's been done so many times? Can you imagine the horror? The pain and fear and suffering I would feel? It's all been done. You are RIGHT! Just be RIGHT! Just take it to the next level!'
So Divine Father gently prodded my aching heart with his question, 'so you are afraid of gang rape happening to you again, even up here, in Paradise?'
And I sobbed and sobbed as only a daughter can do with her Father in whom she has complete and total trust.
I sensed He promised me it would never, ever, ever happen to me again, and that somehow he would talk to Ross about the situation.
I left my meditation space and crawled into my bed.
I felt all five of my husbands presence, and like men, who aren't like women, two of them offered sex (at least our inter dimensional version of it) to 'make everything better' and I declined politely. I went to sleep in a protective bubble of their love surrounding me. I was exhausted. And utterly at a loss how things ever got to be this way.
The ways of the galactics works for them; they are happy. How they will work for the newly Ascended, I'm not sure. And it's definitely not 'working for me'--as I would tell a popular TV talk show host who has a degree in psychology who asks his guests, 'how's that working for you'.
I have an early start today.
Ross wants to say something.
Ross
I am sorry for bringing up our 'dirty laundry' for your view.
I asked Carla to write this, and Carla agreed, because of the educational value to those of you who follow our 'long talk' from the last lecture, and wanted to know what happened...and for those of you who understand our life in the Spiritual Realms is a little more 'advanced' in the big picture, but are wondering how as a society you are going to 'arrive' to this state.
Carla will fight it tooth and nail, and to the death, and also enforced through her connection to Divine Father, the rule on me--to which I voluntarily comply--to forgo my rights as a Galactic until her healing is done as long as she is incarnate or recently added to the Spiritual Realms.
In my trying to release her from the grips of the worst pain and suffering and shame she has ever felt, what is just underneath her skin and terribly upsetting to her, just to make a point...I scored about one inch in the gains I was trying to seek.
Carla was starting to 'budge' in that direction with the bonobos...as her guide and Twin, I took the opportunity for her to awaken a little more towards the 'monogamy is a CAN but not a MUST' and even in the one example we both know, and we don't speak about, from my past incarnation between lives, Carla was shaken to her very core.
I reframed the situation for her, as this soul is one of her closest friends and everything worked out for the best!
And Carla shut down and closed further than she ever has with me, and told me point blank she would do it all over again, the leaving me and refusing to talk to me for incarnations and incarnations, because it was better than the pain of knowing as her Twin I wasn't with her and was with someone else.
This isn't a normal and healthy response for a Twin to have up here; on the contrary, most twins want their 'other' to experience as much joy and happiness no matter how sexual because it is a win-win-win for everyone involved: Twin A, Twin B, and the partner of Twin A.
And for that inch gained, I lost a yard in trust and our relationship with MY Twin.
The only thing that saved me is the ring which I just gave Carla. I asked her if she didn't want to wear it any more?, and she said, 'no, it's okay, I like it and you know my taste really well.' And 'I can't get rid of you. I've tried.'
So it's back to square one for me.
That inch was hard fought.
Was it worth it?
I have all eternity to 'get the ways of the Galactics through to her'...no matter how much she is fighting the truth.
Now for Carla, we have one of the most incredible Lightworkers who is willing to run the gun for us without question, the most willing to risk both her professional reputation and her reputation as a 'healer' in the Lightworker community, to be exposed as brutally honest in all that she does.
Yet even there, she has a limit.
And she defends her spiritual 'no go zone' (polyamory) all the way up to Divine Creator!
Do not be afraid when you have a 'limit', be it in areas of Galactic life which are vastly different from your society in where you live.
Give it time.
Respect yourself and your reactions.
Go at your own rate.
The transition to the New is bound to shake most people up in one way or another.
Forgive yourself for this suffering.
And know, like with Carla's request she made of us, Spirit is OPEN to forging SOMETHING NEW in the 'Interim Process'. (for example, Carla's 'wait until I heal and say it is okay' on MY Galactic right to polyamory which is decreed by Divine Father to protect her delicate psyche while it is in transition through the Ascension process)...
Our side has 'Give and Take'.
It is our sincerest hope so will you.
clap! clap!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Namaste,
Peace,
Ross and Carla
The Twins
