I have PTSD.
I have PTSD from events that happened to me when I was four in this incarnation.
I have PTSD from events around the incarnations with Gamaliel and with Ross.
It affects me to this day.
You would think I had PTSD from the events in my immediate past incarnation as a kitten, but I do not.
On Friday there was a trigger that set me off in the strangest way. My surgeon, who I won't name but have discussed in several blog posts, has a filthy mouth and the kindest heart. He's always saying weird things in the O.R. For example, when he wants to shoot a film he randomly shouts X-RAY! and other times he asks for it in a normal tone. He likes techno and dance music in the O.R, He also jokes about things of a sexual nature.
He brought up a YouTube about 'homosexual monkeys'.
He actually asked someone to look it up during the case.
The rep actually did, but refused to watch it.
The surgeon's point was that monkeys are highly sexual. And it's natural for them as breathing. The monkey is eating some fruit, puts down the fruit, goes and bangs another monkey, and after he's finished, goes back to eating the fruit. The monkeys are indiscriminate--it can be male or female, young or old that they hump.
They were the bonobos.
I know the bonobos.
They were taken off exhibit at the Safari Park. I learned this at a behind-the-scenes tour. They were taken off the exhibit because they were too sexual all the time to be 'family friendly'. So they are behind the scenes at their own habitat, for research and the zookeepers to study, far away from the eyes of innocent children and knowing adult guests at the park.
I've called the Galactics 'bonobos' as an insult to 'their' sexual ethics.
In heated arguments with Ross I have accused him of his past misconducts, and all of 'his' kind, as being really 'backwards' like the monkeys in the sex department.
I made a huge step on Friday to acknowledge that the bonobos might be our true nature, and as much as I don't like it and vehemently refuse to partake in that lifestyle with ANYONE--I give the Galactics credit for possibly not being wrong in the sex department.
Ross said, 'you know what this means?' and I intuited that it meant I am ready to learn/appreciate/accept some of the truths, at least more of them, than I have been given, since I'm being a 'bigger person' on this hugely painful subject than I have been in the past.
All because of the crazy surgeon who discussed the video on the homosexual monkeys...that seemed okay at the time but gave me a long hard flareup of my PTSD.
I am also due for a 'long talk' with Ross tonight. I'm not afraid to talk to him.
Remember the Council of Fifteen? They sent me a gift. I won't go into it, but the Lyran Council exist in the Fifteenth dimension. I've been looking up the Lyrans--some of this is 'on target', others 'don't resonate' so if you explore the website these links are from I recommend you take it with a grain of salt.
I have been told by Divine Mother Incarnate that back 'home', 'monogamy is a CAN but not a MUST'
And I know something deep inside me is very messed up and needing to heal.
I know I have five husbands, I care for each of them deeply, but in a different way. I pretend I just 'split' into five different 'me's' (this is possible in the Higher Realms) and each ONE of 'me' BELONGS to each 'one' of them.
I'll be honest--except with Raziel and Ross I'm not so sure I 'trust' the others, because I know they have other Twins, I'm not their Twin, and I know for sure Michael 'gets around' and I know for sure Raphael has 'fathered a lot of kids' ...how I ended up married to them, I don't know, well, actually I do...Raphael was to 'introduce me to that part of being'--chosen by Divine Father to treat me right and take care of me. Michael was to heal the terrible devastation I experienced, a soul shattering, really, with the loss of Ross in his past life. I also know those two, and Merlin, were to teach me things for this life/mission I could only learn from them, and with Ross' approval I went to live with them and learn the things.
Raziel is by himself, partly by choice, and partly because no one can understand him (his science is technologically complex, the highest there is. It fascinates him. In my last time I saw him, during my troubles, he showed me his latest, a little clear ball like a marble rolling into some sort of magnetic 'pocket' and he was pleased it stayed there. Raziel tells me he can talk to me, and I do better at most to understand him, and in my future after this I will spend time with him learning his trade. I've done a good job with a planet and now I get to apprentice with him.)
I know in my bones each one is caring, loving, and pure in intention with me. And I know they 'get it' when I say, 'I am an earth girl, I don't want to be considered 'easy'--and until I am home I pick one and that one is Ross. '
They back off.
Ross has promised me he will be true to me until I say it is okay, and however long it takes for me to heal from 'this'--whatever it is--DNA encoding for monogamy?--that gets me upset; that's fine with him.
They said in that 5D website somewhere, if you want to Ascend you have to be fifty-one percent or more 'service to others'.
I've been like, 'ninety eight percent'.
Case in point, today.
I had a million things to do--bracelets, scheduling, shopping for food, post office, looking up insurance coverage for Anthony's medical bills, running errands...
I had booked a meeting with a mother of a patient of mine Stephanie who had passed.
I've met with her once before.
She lives very far from the hospital, and far from my home.
We wanted to meet in the middle. Well, she called and told me for the 'second time in twenty seven years the highway was closed'.
I had hoped Spirit got me a day to myself.
But I didn't get the 'nudge'.
She REALLY had looked forward to it, my schedule is impossible, and I thought, perhaps a little further away by the water?
She said yes.
I finished the food shopping, I put it all away, and I didn't make the cranberry orange bread. But I made yogurt. I had to make SOMETHING, you know?
My heart goes out to Stephanie's mom. Stephanie had a terrible illness, ulcerative colitis. She endured many bowel surgeries from age seven to her death at like, twenty nine. She even had a continent ostomy--iliostomy, something most people don't make any more, it's a dying art, because there's so many problems with it. Now they just do standard ileostomies with the disposable pouch on the outside. That's because the ones on the inside (continent--made of bowel and accessed through a drain you insert after every meal) fail. You can imagine what Stephanie's mom went through with all the pooping problems for her daughter.
At the end, Stephanie had stool coming out her vagina. There were fistulas that we tried and tried to fix.
On top of that she was in constant pain.
That's why I met with her mom. Out of respect for them both, and the unusual friendship we all formed as we bonded after that first surgery, and Stephanie refused to let anyone else but me do her anesthesia.
Her mom needs someone to talk to. About, of all things, her family--her sister who has serious money problems.
And she talked.
It wasn't a fifty-fifty but I am okay with that.
As she was talking, I was aware there was a vibrational gap in levels of Consciousness between her and me. I've BEEN through many of her current lessons. I RECALL being at times where I was miserable and didn't know how to fix it and would talk about it with anyone hoping I would find the answer. It took years for me to get to where I am today. Lots of therapy too, for the PTSD, which once affected me a great deal, so I could hardly function.
At the same time, I saw ME in the Stephanie's mom position as seen through the lens of a Galactic like Ross or any of my husbands. I bitch and moan in this blog all the time about seemingly trivial things to them. And I hurt, and I stumble because I just can't find my WAY back to where I was before I came to Earth. And I'd like to find that peace, nurturing, warmth, love and compassion from Home.
I had Compassion for Stephanie's mom the same way the Galactics have Compassion for those of us who are incarnate.
It was a nice walk on the pier, too, and I got a little sun.
The most important part was that Stephanie had never been to the ocean, but wanted to go. Her mom had scattered her older sister's ashes in the water by Ventura, where she lived. So for the first time, she mentioned scattering Stephanie by the water.
It was a huge step.
I thought it was wonderful, and I told her that.
Then she asked me what the rules are to do it?
I didn't know. I've been whale watching and seen the flowers and balloons of mylar floating 'after'.
And I knew a friend of mine went to Mendocino and the family dropped their father's ashes off a bridge only to see the wind blow a clump of it against the bridge support structure and it get stuck there, instead of falling into the water like the movies.
So I shared and said, 'just ask someone who knows how to make sure you do it right and it doesn't blow back on you or anything embarrassing like my friend.'
I will go to her scattering. Her mom will plan it when I'm free.
She told me that her son, Stephanie's brother, called Stephanie's surgeon, 'the guy', and me, 'the girl'. He said, 'I like the girl'...he thought I took good care of his sister.
It's amazing the things you can learn about yourself and others when you work in the O.R. like I do.
I realized I've been living in fear.
Fear of not getting sleep, fear of not eating, fear of not being home with Anthony...because of my work.
It's a double-edged sword--I need to survive, I'm good at it--and yet, it takes so much from my energy.
My days have been filled with dread, with anguish over not knowing my hours, not when I'm coming home.
I really have no control over my schedule, unless I am in another city a long airplane ride away from my work.
Divine Mother Incarnate told me today, to think of the patients who come my way are there for me to do the Spiritual work on them only I can do, and to accept it at that. (Even though it frankly overwhelms me with the volume and acuity of people who come my way).
Today, I did one fun thing. That was my own fun thing. It made me smile. I opened another package from the vendor I adore in India. More 'commercial samples'. My wonder and delight were genuine, and something I need to do every day.
Ross has my tomorrow 'fun thing' as a surprise.
And now it's time...he said earlier today he needs to have a 'long talk' with me.
I don't like any of these 'long talks' but at least with a Galactic it's not punishment/lecture like with a parent or partner. They are a little more sophisticated than that.
(Ross nods, his hands are full with me, and he will speak with you at another time.)
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple