Wednesday, August 24, 2016


On Monday night, Anthony was late coming to dinner. I had made a nice meal for us. And when he arrived to the kitchen, he shared his excitement over his reaching a new, very high level in his video game which is hard to achieve.

I made a connection.

Anthony needed the validation that the game gave him for playing well.

He sought external validation.

There are two kinds of validation, internal, and external.

The majority of my validation is internal--it's what 'resonates' with me inside in my spiritual work. I do enjoy some external validation, for example, a nurse noticing a nice wake up in my patient, a patient thanking me for their care, or even finding a really good word on my Bookworm game on my iPad.

Everyone has different needs. I'm just thankful that I am aware Anthony needs MORE validation (that's why he likes to play catch with me too) and as his parent I will be sure to give it.

Our souls--eternal as they are--are not 'steady' while we are incarnate. We go through 'phases'. Sometimes, I need to play my video game on my iPad a lot, and just recover and rest from my overwork.  Other times, I enjoy the internal satisfaction of creating a nice meal. Or like today, discovering something new in my spiritual life, and applying it. 

Just think of it from time to time. And always ask for a little Divine Assistance to help you stick to you lessons, and master them the first time--so you never have to repeat things from the past.  You 'move on' more quickly, and effortlessly, and in a short time, the lessons although perhaps painful are quick and you understand the need for them.

I had a major breakthrough the last few days. It started with something in 3D, and this in turn became a springboard for my soul growth in a much needed area of healing.

Yesterday I wasn't sure I wanted to work with someone. They rush me. And never let me eat. (we anesthesiologists sneak in our biological needs--toilet, water, food--in the short breaks between cases. When people rush for a 'quick turnover' and push for time, we are denied our basic needs.) I was assigned to their room all day. It's a nice doctor. But the work habits aren't a good match for mine when this surgeon is 'on a roll'.  

I used to be a favorite. Then something changed. I can't put my finger on it. He invited someone else to come do my case--because she had asked and she was the same religion as him--so I lost a lot of money because of that switch. I'm sure she knew of the money, but her interest in the procedure was also a part of it. I felt tricked.

Last night, I was told by the staff that 'he hates women'.  The explanation was that the upbringing in the country where he is from, and the religion, make it so he never wants a woman to tell him what to do.

I was shocked!

I said, 'I told him there was still more procedure to do-he had forgotten!--and he thanked me for the reminder!'

Why are there entire cultures who hate women to this day?

Why would anyone curse the sex who gave them the gift of life?

On Sunday I was in the kitchen about eleven a.m. and I heard a voice, a man's voice, one I've never heard before, say, dryly, 'Hello Carla'.

I wasn't sure who it was, good or bad, and nobody was helping me.

A few hours later on a Skype call I confirmed the source of the voice. It was the higher self. I had scheduled to call and I guess while waiting for me to pick up the phone the voice came through.

The phone call was awkward. It was like we couldn't get off on the right foot. And I haven't had anyone call me, a board certified anesthesiologist and practicing physician, and Reiki Master--'a beautiful girl' in decades.

I felt like I was ten. I felt like I was ten and I have to apologize for myself for being who I am.

This soul is Saul incarnate.

Ours are connected enough for me to hear him on the opposite coast just like that.

Today I was invited to lie on my porch swing in the sun.  I'm post call. I have a million things to do. Anthony is calling me to bring him sneakers because all he has is flip flops and they are going to the park.

But I listened.

I lay down on the swing.

I've fed the animals but not had either breakfast or coffee, mind you!

I saw him. That soul. I'm not sure from then or now or what. But that being, who looks like the pictures here of St. Paul/Saul--was talking to me.

It didn't feel good.  I was holding back the tears.

He never could acknowledge my love for Ross.

And it hurt.  He was the one behind my losing my baby.( my newborn was whisked away to another waiting wet nurse before he took his first cry, and I was told he was stillborn. He was raised in England. And Ross knew of the plan.)  And he never gave me credit for my intelligence when I was alive in that incarnation. It was like he hated me my whole life because of my sex, and my life was made all the more miserable because of it.

At the same time, I acknowledged he knew Ross when he saw him, and changed his life on the spot to follow him. He wrote some of my most favorite things in the holy book. I'm eternally filled with gratitude for the legacy he created.

But I couldn't talk with him.  I needed Ross. And Ross gently gestured Saul away, and held me in his arms.

'Ross! He thinks I was STUPID!  I wanted to help and I couldn't because of him!' I said in tears, big sobs of them on Ross' shoulder.

'And the BABY!' I sobbed so hard, and Ross was saying 'there, there'.  Then I saw Ross' face really clear, and he said, 'You are so much to me. The mother of my children. And my friend! My best friend I ever had, although at the time when I was incarnate I was too stupid to know it.'

Then from my left, facing me, was Ashtar. He gently said, 'I would ask you for advice and I would take it.  You have your expertise and I would trust it.'  I replied, 'Just like I would ask you for advice on how to fly somewhere?' And he smiled and gestured his hands like, 'there you have it, exactly that'...and he stepped back.

They also gave me a strong dose of that soul medicine--it does to emotional pain like what codeine does to physical pain. It just calms things, and you feel soothed.

Ross asked me would I be willing to talk to Saul again?

I nodded yes, and Ross led me by the hand to where Saul was waiting.

It was just us two. We both knew we had to make up. But I started to cry again. He said how it had to be him, he was a tax collector--he could write. I said, 'I could write too!' I acknowledged that he died for the cause, and accomplished much. I shared how I fled for my life too.

There was a basic misunderstanding that still exists today--a form of soul 'dismissal' that is painful, very deeply so--although the incarnate version now means well and due to his upbringing probably absorbed it more than anything particular with me.

I showed him the terrible loneliness and struggle I had to endure while Ross was away. With Saul. And he replied, 'Hey, I came in later in the story, it wasn't all me!'  I acknowledged he was right.

Then I asked, 'Did you know about the rapes?'

Then he looked down, ashamed. We both knew he did, and had looked the other way. I told him, 'you never did anything to stop it. You could have stopped it had you taken me with you.'

When Ross was away, I was raped. Often. And treated with such cruelty by people--there were many in our village--who scorned him and his work.

He knew.

Saul always knew.

And he chose to look the other way.

Even after Ross died.

He told me he would be my biggest supporter, my biggest help in the future!

Through my tears, I explained that wasn't needed--it was overdoing it--and just  if he stopped hurting me it would be enough.

He couldn't understand it! After all this time, I only wanted that? (mind you, there was an intervention by Ross in the middle of this discussion to me, where he whispered that--this is all Illusion, these story lines, you KNOW that this soul is kind to you outside of the Illusion, and is okay! Would it be possible for you to be friends?)

I agreed. So, off  tentatively, to the first start which has been long overdue by two millennia, our souls are on friendly equals.

I don't fault Saul for it. It is my understanding that this mind set has been on earth for ages. But I do now call his soul on it, and the souls of all beings who have encouraged the thinking that somehow 'women are LESS'.

It's time for us to move on, and be Galactic--where the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine are both loved and respected for what they are--as equal value to the whole...


clap! clap!

I want you to listen to my Lady.

And now it's time for her to get some lunch.

Carla, I want you to microwave (we have a Love and Gratitude post-it taped on the microwave oven door--it helps neutralize the energies) what you had for dinner the other night. The koshary. And share it, the recipe!

(okay.. Here it is Mine is a little different, I use one tablespoon of red chili flakes and not the cayenne--but it's close enough. Enjoy!--ed)

Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The couple