Learning is happening at such a fast pace for me I can barely describe it.
Life without Anthony in the house has been very insightful, in a far different way from his being at camp, or my being away on my 'mommy-moon' business trip when he was seven. I see.
Part of this is because I am using the crystal, Thulite, which is a form of zoisite which is pink (by the way, Tanzanite is also a clear purple form of zoisite). Thulite is very inexpensive. I have a pair of earrings I bought on sale for twenty dollars, with real silver, online on amazon. Thulite helps you see what you need to do to make life better for yourself, with total honesty and no blame whatsoever.
I had dreams of fixing the house, working out, and just enjoying my free time on Sunday, while I spent the night at my mom's house with him, so in the morning his cousins and Aunt could pick him up.
I couldn't sleep at all. The bed was uncomfortable, and Anthony is loud when he sleeps (I am too, it's just in his room I can't hear him.)
So...the first thing I learned is I have sleep deprivation.
And the second? I have no free time. Very little.
So that makes sense why the house is a mess and I don't want to clean it. I'm exhausted!
What I did last night really made a huge difference. I came home. I had a snack. I changed out of my scrubs. I let GO of that feeling of 'switching jobs and going for it' once I arrive home. I TRANSITIONED for ten minutes, and it made a huge change in the energy and my attitude about home and work.
I had an appointment to go to, but about an hour before. Ross had me set the timer, and I did my word game on my tablet.
I had FUN!
But then it rang, and I had to care for the bunny. I cleaned her cage. And I picked her up to check and yes, she had early signs of her problem. So I brought her into the shower, took off my dress, and fixed her problem with lots of warm soapy water and a washcloth. She doesn't like me or water, but I tell her I can't let it build back up or she will get sick!
Incidentally, Ross told me that I have made more spiritual growth with that rabbit than with anything else in my daily life. I was shocked! I didn't think it was important what I did at home, with Anthony's pet. But Ross explained how she is a rescue, I bought her for Anthony who had a classroom rabbit he adored (and who adored him!) in the preschool. Basically, she hates everything and everybody--this rabbit has Attitude and that's how she got to be a rescue. Her previous owner spayed her, it didn't work, and she had 'Dominance Problems'. I still can't see how anything I did helped, I just keep doing what needs to be done, and I NEVER imagined a bit of spiritual growth on my part could come from it. It's funny how those things work! (Apparently my unconditional love for her is helping her a lot, and also helping me.)
Of course then I had to clean myself up, and go to the meeting. But what I did this time, is I dressed for the gym.
After the meeting, I went to the gym. Yes, I know, from seven to eight! When was my dinner?
I had to choose!
Ross said not to worry, HE was cooking me a special dinner. Gourmet. And this time, once I got home, I did my chores like I needed to do, and listened to him brag about his cooking and special meal.
When it was time, he told me what to eat and how:
- a small amount of this punjab cereal spicy snack cracker mix
- a blood orange Sigg yogurt
- an apple
- a tiny tiny tiny salad--half of a white cucumber from my back yard, and one leaf of romaine, blue cheese dressing, and lots of pepper
- one tiny piece of brie topped with a drop of raspberry jam on a beautiful plate
- a serving of my gourmet chocolate bar with mango and spice in it, and a glass of Manishewitz concord grape wine for dessert
It was wonderful! I felt full. I felt satisfied I had courses--like in France. And it didn't make a mess with cooking.
Ross is a genius. And I truly and blessed to have him with me.
Yesterday morning, he did something he's never done. He's discovered I just LIKE to soak in his masculine energy, and to be reassured and comforted that he is protecting me. So he called it 'cocooning' which in his terms, is me just resting my head on his chest, and feeling his arms around me, and totally relaxing. I did this my whole meditation before work.
I think he knew what was ahead for me at work. I can't tell you what, but it wasn't good, and I think he didn't tell me, but he knew and prepared me for it as best as he could. Nobody died and everyone did okay. But I earned my money and worked hard for it. I also had to give up (reschedule) my lunch plans with my friend for her birthday. Because my 'short days' are long.
I am learning to accept the changes in my beauty as I grow older. One of my friends who was actually younger than me--she had skipped a grade--is now totally gray hair on her FB photo. She had the darkest black hair of anyone I knew at school.
I decided not to give up on myself. To go to the gym, to eat right, and to make an effort with how I present myself to the world.
I have worn a little bit of makeup every day this week because I have had time. It makes me look more polished. I'm not a big makeup person. But I see how it helps.
I also got one of those brushes to wash your face, the kind like an electric toothbrush that's ultrasonic. It's made a huge difference in my skin. I used to have breakouts. My skin feels clean and like it can breathe too.
I know I never ever can be eighteen again. But while I am fifty-two, I can look my best. Not because it matters what anyone thinks of me, or how I am treated. It's because I made the choice not to give up on myself. I realized in a way, I HAD given up on me--work and motherhood are really demanding.
Thanks to the Thulite, I see my way.
There are HUGE changes ahead for medicine. It's under the surface, but I see it behind the scenes and I think you should know.
Medicare is getting nasty with hospitals and caregivers.
Even now, for a straight medicare patient, all my information on the care needs to be reported to a database for 'key factors'. This costs ME $250 a year just to have someone manage my data. And there is a form I must complete for every patient and send it in.
They are setting the stage so that if a patient smokes on the day of surgery before going to the OR I will not get paid for my services, even if I do a huge complex case that takes all day...because it is their 'criteria' for payment.
This is why patients wet themselves on the table at the end of the case. Medicare doesn't want a foley intraop. Due to 'infection' (cost control). If a patient gets a bladder infection during their hospital stay, Medicare won't pay for anything. So now surgeons are terrified of the foley. We just have the patient pee in pre-op and I limit fluids. I used to need to see one half to one cc of urine for every kilogram of patient in a foley to prove the kidneys were not taking a hit during the anesthesia and surgery (low blood pressure isn't good for the kidneys). That was how I was trained. Now our patients who cough when they wake up pee all over the bed. It's sad.
My lady urologist friend works for another hospital and mine too. They used to pay her to come care for indigent patients. But now her specialty isn't on a 'list' by Medicare of 'essential services'. She gets no stipend. She got up in the middle of the night for three nights in a row, working five hours a case each night, for FREE. Her patients were sick and they couldn't pay.
How is she supposed to stay in business like that?
She is considering making a deal with the devil--the other hospital. She will become their employee and they will pay her overhead. She will get paid vacation. She can still work on the outside if she wants (I'm sure there won't be much time for that). But she says if they hire two urologists this way so she doesn't have to take call every day she will go for it.
The government has gained complete control over medicine. It is only a matter of time before my specialty and practice with my group gets bought up by the hospital and we are employees too.
At a hospital near me, all the management quit and many nurses have left. She transferred to our sister hospital. A LOT of very experienced people have had it with 'management'.
At my O.R. they want a hundred thousand dollar savings with new gloves for the surgeons. You know, the sterile ones. I tried them on. The new samples. You can't feel. You just can't feel through it like you could with the other ones. You need to feel when a needle is going in, for a spinal, or a central line, or for surgery. There are gloves where you can feel just the same sensations as you do with your ungloved hand--a little less, but still the texture and feel of the tissues. One hundred thousand dollars a year--reads as 'huge bonus for manager'--at the expense of patient care quality.
Everyone needs to eat. Managers too, right?
This manager used to manage the other O.R. at the hospital that's making a deal with the devil with my lady urologist friend. All the insurance companies are contracted with them. They are a 'for profit' hospital. And their O.R. is a freaking MESS. Huge delays. Working all hours day and night. Staff on call way too much, so much that people quit.
Welcome to the future of Managed Care.
It's messed up.
Carla needs to go to work. I promised her a nice breakfast. I intend to carry though with my promise. (he laughs--it's not a giggle but it's adorable to me--ed)
I will write more when I get back. And also please read this article http://ronahead.com/2016/08/17/playing-field-council/
I love you.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Couple