When there is a willingness to face difficult feelings, and accept them, important breakthroughs in our spiritual life happen.
There is no other way, but for the old skin to be too tight, for us to expand, and to grow beyond what was holding us back.
Earlier this trip, one of my first emotions was to be overcome with grief. I was at the shore with Anthony, and I have not missed my father, who is deceased seven years--SO MUCH! I just wanted him to be here and to enjoy the water that he loved so very much with us. But he's invisible to me--alive and 'always with me' but I can't feel him or enjoy his presence as much as I used to when he was alive.
A lot of my angst on this trip was my being in the 'waiting' mode--I am able to know 'enough' about what's out there to appreciate it, but not being able to know more, or control anything. For example, Ascension happens whenever, It is very complex, experts such as Ross are in charge of it, and I have no clue like when I order a pizza how the pizza tracker is showing it's progress and when I can expect it at my home.
Yesterday I spent the day alone with Anthony. We ate buffet breakfast. We got him a haircut for school. We bought him new clothes for school. Our lunch was at Burger King--he is very fond of Burger King when we are in Victoria. And we walked! We walked over 14,000 steps yesterday! We came home and played catch, again, this trip I realized is for him and it helps him to mark his own progress as he is growing up. THIS is his constancy he lacks in our every day life.
For example, life here is marked by the Coho ferry. I've seen it come in and depart this morning. We love to hear its whistle and mark the time passing in the day by when it arrives and departs right on schedule. Last night at sunset we watched it sail into the sunset and waved as it was passing by...
The sounds here are unique--there are the float planes, the seagulls, the water taxis, and the oddly comforting sound of tires on the Johnson Street Bridge.
There is a little tiny beach here, one with rocks. Anthony has loved throwing rocks into the water since I first showed him how at the little fountain in front of our library where we live back home. To keep him interested in books, not only did I read to him every night at bedtime about the whales he loved--but I made it enjoyable for him to go to the library by sticking my arm deep into the fountain to place the river rocks on the ledge of the fountain, all lined up just at his height, for him to throw. He was one when he first started.
When he was five, we came to this beach, me a nervous wreck as I'd been doing OB and ICU shifts. I put my feet into the water after I removed my shoes and socks, and the energy calmed at once.
Ever since that day, I have been trying to show Anthony how to skip stones on the water, telling him how good my father was at it, and how enjoyable it was for him.
Yesterday he figured out how to make it skip!
He got seven skips in one stone, one skip better than my father! And I let him know. Anthony hears my father, and he said 'grandpa said he knew I would be good at it, and the reason I am better is that I have a better arm than him'.
I saw stones bounce twenty feet from one skip to the next! I got a five bounce skip.
What warmed my heart is that in this day of electronic entertainment, which never really satisfies and always needs the purchase of 'special offers' to 'win' in any game Anthony plays online--Anthony was just as thrilled and excited to skip stones and worked up a sweat.
Ross told me to let Anthony go to his favorite steakhouse for dinner--because we would have to walk there and back, so it was good for us. So we went to an early seating.
But afterwards, Anthony wanted to go back to the beach, and throw some more stones to make them skip!
I realized he needs me to guide him to the future, and that one day, he will be teaching others in the same way my father taught me how to skip the stones, and how at the time my father was showing me, I had no idea how important a lesson it would be...it was a way for me to feel my father made a difference, that he cared enough to share this wonderful thing about Nature that he had discovered, and it warmed my heart just to know I had passed this skill on to his grandson for him...and honor the memory of the boy my father was in Nashua, by the mill, at their house in Windham that used to be an Inn a long long time ago.
Right now I am looking at the Olympia mountains. There is snow on one peak. Victoria is one of the most beautiful places on earth I know.
Yesterday there was a mother with her baby at the beach.
I picked up some trash and brought it to the trash can.
I'm glad I did.
There are some nasty things out there on the shore where Anthony enjoys throwing rocks.
In the past week I picked up three syringes, an alcohol prep pad, two tampon applicators, three empty bags medical marijuana comes in from The Tree shop, five drinking straws, lots of plastic wrappers, bottle caps, and fishing line. There were also about five saline or albuterol 'pillows' that are used in the hospital.
I made it better there, both for the humans and the animals. This is a purpose to be alive too.
To have made a difference helps so very much with all the spiritual angst I have been having. It melts away.
Ross has stepped up to the plate. I'm always finding heart-shaped rocks at the beach now.
He also is saying important things, and has since the Butchart. I'm sorry (for how you are in the veil). I miss you (since he is up there and experiencing Bliss 24/7 I kind of feel like I'm not needed, and even when he was incarnate, I wasn't really high up there on his priority list to begin with, to be honest. I've felt neglected by him for a long, long, very long time.)
He says he looks forward to my being Home. I sense he means it. And it soothes me very much to hear these words.
The short flickers of consciousness before I went under for my colonoscopy, I remember his calling me clear and loud, 'Come to ME!' --that was like, two years ago. I felt it, his command, and it meant so much. I remember nothing from either spirit or the procedure, except for his calling me to him.
This morning, he said, 'you are a queen'.
I was like, just waking up, and said, 'what?!' I knew he meant it, but I couldn't comprehend it. I said, 'I am YOUR queen, for I love only you...' and I sensed he didn't want to explain any more, that I was brushing him off in a way. I said, 'How can I be a queen when nobody listens to me?' He said, 'some people do'. I agreed he was right, some very wonderful people have been able to work with me, and to help with the work, these are my greatest joys...
Oddly enough, he was with me at the bead store. There was a beautiful lavender jade free form nugget for sixty dollars a strand. He said, 'NO!' I saw later it was dyed, and there were other identical 'jades' in different colors but the same nuggets.
Instead he gave me carnelian in faceted form, two strands, on sale, of extremely high quality. Carnelian is his stone, well one of them. I always feel close to him when I am near it. He gave me three strands of faceted amethyst with a sparkle I have not seen in ages. I got a few beads of labradorite which are faceted rounds. They will make beautiful earrings. He told me it was okay to buy them. (I had gone to the store to buy new elastic to restring our friend's bracelet. I work with this fine gauge, and it stretches out. If you have a bracelet that has stretched, you can go to your nearest bead shop and they will restring it for you. Bracelets need upkeep to maintain their beauty and strength.)
I am enjoying the shimmer of the sunlight on the water. We meet our friend at poutine in a short time. I will restring her bracelet for her then too.
Today I feel more grounded, more at ease, and closer to Ross. I am not without hope. My growth is that I see how by giving to others, I can complete my mission. For example, with Anthony and his future, by teaching him how to skip the stones on the water...
Being Ross' twin has its own mixture of challenges and blessings. When it comes right down to it, there is no shortcut for the work of my soul, and its growing pains. I am deeply in gratitude to him for his having the presence to say to me now the little things, which mean so much. I'm sorry you are 'stuck' in the Veil. I'm sorry you don't understand more right now. I miss you and I look forward to your coming home. I will take good care of you when you come home. It is like sunshine and reassurance to know he accepts me, and enjoys my presence...
Live a good life and go Home.
This is the advice Francine once gave to Sylvia Browne.
It is excellent advice.
Tomorrow is another day.
It is time to bloom.
Stretch up and blossom!
The difficulties are behind all of us.
Push up with your hearts and open them to the Love that is there for all of us to enjoy!
Aloha and mahalos,
Ross and Carla