Family is who we turn to in our most difficult times.
On my first day of trouble, I turned naturally to those who are closest to me--my colleagues (who have experienced the same type of trouble), my mentor, Ross, and my teams. I also told Anthony's father because it was in the context of our text conversation. He was surprisingly supportive. For the lawsuit I did what I had to do: I submitted a claim online, and very next day I faxed a copy of everything that was given to me in the packet when I was served. My mentor was the most helpful, and even late at night he called to give me his view of the situation, and not to worry.
I take great care to be in the moment, and not to worry.
The last time I saw Tim Braun, he said I need to write on a sticky note where I can see it every day, 'Why worry? It's probably not going to happen anyway.'
The lawsuit with my mentor and boss has gone away as if nothing ever happened. Work is the same as usual. There is not change in sight, not to say it couldn't change at any other time, suddenly, but at the moment there is no change in sight.
They say that when you have serious trouble, for example, a person who has been raped, or remembers childhood molest, the one person you can't tell is the one you need to tell the most.
I was afraid to tell my mother because of the shock to her delicate system.
I was also afraid to tell Anthony. It's something for me to deal with, and not his problem. He's the kid.
I told mom.
Anthony overheard on the phone I didn't realize it.
And mom was one-hundred percent supportive! Nothing fazes her!
The amount of relief I felt from sharing with her is significant. And when I told her I am just doing one thing at a time, and not worrying about it, I knew no matter what I am going to be okay. I just told her there is going to be more busy work for me, more time commitments, more things to juggle, and I wasn't looking forward to it.
Mom totally understood.
Anthony, bless his heart, was the most healing. He never said anything. But he went to our old computer only he knows how to turn on, and he started looking at old pictures. He never does that. And there were some beautiful ones. He was like, 'mom, why are you taking a picture of you from the side like that?'
I said, 'because I was thin!' and he laughed. I'm not thin now, and he totally understood.
He was a happy baby.
And I sure smiled a lot more back then.
I was more carefree. My work situation was more bearable. I worked three days a week with two set days off (as an attending anesthesiologist who supervises residents and nurse anesthetists). Originally I had Tuesday and Thursday off (where I used to moonlight). Then I switched at work's request to Tuesday and Friday off. Let me tell you, that is the sweetest schedule when there is a long holiday. It really extends it by adding the Monday off. It was very nice. I also had benefits from work, and my malpractice was 'new to practice' and super cheap (for moonlighting I had Part Time only, the rest was from my work.)
Now I have to do everything on my own, and my 'part time' is getting worse case lineups than my colleagues in the same group, and only two designated days off a month. Private practice is dog eat dog, and you don't get paid to wait for cases. You only get paid for the actual work you do; it's not salary. It is because of this the group competes for cases, and it's very unpleasant to have people who 'take care of number one' so obviously and it affects you and your income. It's like people fighting over inheritance after a funeral, every single day. It brings out the worst and the smiles don't cover up anything. I still like them, but I wish they weren't like that, especially to me.
I love all my work relationships. And yesterday I did the best on a chest case I've ever done in my life--arterial line in on first pass of needle, no wire needed, and double-lumen endotracheal tube perfect placement with no adjustment needed by the surgeon. I really enjoy the energy of working on the chest--either a cardiac case (I haven't done in years) or a thoracic one.
I also caught up on our journal, with the focus on cardiac. So people could see me reading that in the O.R. It was fascinating how things have changed in my specialty. For example, many people have artificial heart 'boosters' (LVAD or left ventricular assist device) implanted. Some are a bridge to healing, others a bridge to transplant, and for the rest 'destination therapy'.
Well these devices may not have a pulse.
And when they go for colonoscopy or other surgery--how do you measure the blood pressure? The automatic cuff won't work!
See the kinds of things that interest me? It's cool. Basically you measure arterial line mean pressure like on bypass, either invasively or not. And you never let the anticoagulation wear off.
Yesterday was the first time my Doctor's With Reiki family really helped me out--in so many ways.
I went to the post office with Anthony, and it took both of us to carry all the packages to the car!
The kindness that was shown overwhelmed both of us. He was excited like he gets at Christmas--wanting to help open the tape on the boxes. When it came to the cards inside, I was like, honey, these are for me! (I knew it was the energy).
That someone would remember my favorite coffee and send it (along with other things) as a belated birthday gift--it just meant so much.
So did a special piece of jewelry.
I told this reader I was seriously thinking about quitting medicine altogether. The ring made me see my place is IN medicine.
And I have it on right now.
The loving support--from those close to me--everything!--helped me to see I am making a difference and touching lives enough for them to touch mine back.
For this at this difficult time, I am MOST grateful!
Especially because Spirit had a hand in it all. It's clear. These people were listening, and did what Spirit asked, and everything as it was let me know it's all right. Everything no matter what is going to be all right.
I won't have much time to write but I want to mention a very special person who is on my side--the mother of a patient Stephanie who was very dear to me.
I let her know.
We are still close now since her daughter's death. She is close to both the surgeon and me. And they used to drive three hours just to come to the hospital so only the two of us could take care of her. Her daughter refused to let anyone else give her anesthesia or surgery. Her case was exceedingly complex. And we believe, her surgeon and I, she got two extra years to live. Her condition was very close to end-stage when we met her 'randomly'--me being assigned to her surgery, and him being asked to do a surgical consultation mid-case for a different procedure by another specialty.
She said I was the nicest most caring anesthesiologist she has ever met.
And she'd be willing to testify to that.
Ross wants me to write one last thing, to explain to you what is about to happen.
I am on assignment.
I am going to travel somewhere with Anthony.
Spirit has some rather strange requests--one of them is to wear my old engagement ring from Frank.
It was always a little too big, too loose, but now that I am bigger it fits perfectly on the correct finger.
I tried to put the wedding band with it, and it's just too small.
The ring is beautiful.
(It helps to travel with a wedding ring on--it's hard to explain but I've noticed it).
I am not to bring my computer.
I'll have my 'electronic devices'--phone and tablet.
If I can write I will but it isn't easy with the pictures on the tablet.
So nothing is wrong, and I'll be sure to share with you as I go.
Anthony is coming too.
Carla is traveling today.
Carla is traveling today to someplace she has never been, on a short trip, a long weekend.
Carla is using those two free tickets anywhere Southwest flies in the continental US.
Before they expire!
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Family and Couple