Monday, September 12, 2016

Day's End Thoughts


It's been a long day.

I'm trying to upload an image, actually two, and it's like it's my own private Mercury Retrograde tonight.

So I give up.

That's life--knowing when to draw back your resources and your strength, and when to wait for another time.

The thoughts I have in my mind are still here, and they are still able to be shared. I am content. I am glad to share these new insights with you.

First of all, What Makes Vacation so wonderful?

It's Freedom.

You don't do your chores, you don't cook like you do at home, you don't have to go to work, so you can sleep. You eat what you want when you want it. And for me, I take lots of photos, go on adventure, and exercise. It comes at a price, and traveling is fatiguing--no matter how you do it--but it helps you grow in different ways than one might think.

When I came in to land on the flight, as I flew over the city, I was overwhelmed with this new insight I saw/understood/finally grasped--everything costs money   and   everything is before my eyes is proof of our enslavement to the system where money is keeping us in bondage for our basic necessities of life!

The lights which looked so beautiful--are powered by electricity--be it conventional or solar--are like little taxi meters running the whole time!

All the cars  I saw lighting up the freeways are bought and being paid for or leased.

All the houses and apartments are being paid for just for people to live in them. Add to it the cable, the gas, the water, the sewer, and the trash bills....never mind all the taxes!

Everything the eye could see, even the roads--involved money.

Sometimes we don't just stop and think about it. But I did.

I also thought about the imbalances we have just to be able to survive--how I have lack of sleep, lack of food, and lack of exercise, as a trade in for my survival. And yet, one of the key factors that keeps me working, is security the ability to provide for myself and my family--which another way of looking at it is basically fear. Fear of lack of shelter, lack of food, and lack of clothing.


So instead of feeling defeated, I put a futuristic, galactic 'spin' on it.

In what ways can I work with Spirit to create a life that is more like a vacation to me, more pleasant and enjoyable, and less like being enslaved in the system?

I tell you, one of my pet peeves is email, voicemail, and snail mail. It takes me hours to sift through everything, all the spam and all the ads. Did you know that after I ordered flowers for my cousin's son's new baby in January, the florist where they live has been sending me monthly emails about my next purchase ever since?

Here's another pet peeve of mine--how education is delaying gratification to the point of shortening the effective economic lifespan. Let me explain. Mom and dad's peers graduated from high school, worked, and bought homes. They started their families. It wasn't easy, but they did it and managed to save for their retirement.  Dad was one of the few to go to college. He was educated. But he also had his school loans. Money was VERY tight for us growing up. But Daddy worked two jobs--always--and managed to pay off the debts and provide and prepare for his retirement.

By comparison, I left a not-so-stable research position, where I had no college debt--to go for my medical degree. I went to a State funded school, so although expensive for me, it wasn't astronomical like it is today for me to pay for my education. My loan payback would have taken longer if it had not been for a refinance of the home my ex and I were living in. We put equal debt into the home. Otherwise it would have taken ten years for me to pay off. I blinked, and ten years has gone by, and now I need to be preparing for retirement. Although I was getting 'paid' as a resident in the latter half of my training, it was barely enough to survive, and to pay back my school loans.

The reason I mention this at all, is because the server at the Keg in Victoria is an economics major. She finishes this year. But she says that to get a job, you need graduate school (just like in medicine, you need a fellowship).  That doesn't leave much time to enjoy life and raise a family, if you think about it, with the hindsight I have now. But when you are in your twenties, you think you are going to live forever...I see so many nurses today going through huge hoops--getting advanced degrees--and racking up huge school debts when back in the beginning of my training, only two years at a city college was enough to start just as good a nursing career as one with a BS in Nursing.

It's sad how the system squeezes us.

And it's wonderful how resilient we are.

I enjoy shopping in thrift shops, especially when I am out of town. I found a beautiful Lake Louise coffee mug for the car, and I felt Dad had sent it. We went to that town to ski when I was sixteen, because we had won on a game show.

I also with the help of Pauline, found a beaded necklace of eight millimeter round aquamarines for four dollars!  I looked it up so excited--how much are real aquamarines?  With my supplier, and no discount, they are seventy dollars for sixteen inches! I was thrilled! I knew I needed the aquamarines, I loved the clasp (it's new, I've ordered it and will put some on some bracelets). But I had a feeling. I looked on eBay--and the same beads are four dollars and twenty five cents.  With free shipping!  So it really wasn't that much of a miracle, come to think of it. But the energy of the aquamarine around my neck is very 'right'.

It's the stone of Courage. It helps one face struggles and conflict with clarity and purpose. It hasn't always been an easy stone for me to wear. But today it's 'right'.

I have the feeling just as much that something WONDERFUL is going to happen. I can't put my finger on it, but it feels like something is right around the corner, and it's a surprise.

What I can add is that last night, and this morning, I asked Ross for 'easy, easy, easy' in my day.

What did I get?

Easy cases. Easy surgeons and OR staff. Nice, nice, VERY nice patients!  I was able to intubate normally and not use the Glide Scope for the first time in months for my full lineup. I had cases move up. And although I ate just a Kind bar for breakfast and skipped my coffee (Anthony ate microwaved frozen bowl in the car, bless him)--I had a banana and half a muffin and coffee at work. Then I took a breather across the street to get a Vietnamese sandwich. I ran into another anesthesiologist who was doing the same thing! We walked back to the hospital together. And I had enough until I picked up Anthony (another blessing, I was due to work late). I had wanted pasta, so we tried a new Italian place. And it felt right.

Yes, at home I was swamped with mail and bills and bad news. I had to do the laundry. I had to give Anthony (homework free for one night, and 'relaxing' with video games)--a strong reminder to shower and get to bed. (We flew in late last night, it's going to catch up with both of us). I only made it halfway to my ten thousand steps. The emails took my limited exercise time--I had to address the bad news from the snail mail with the people who could help me by email right away.

I also have a situation at work I had mentioned. It's here and it looks like the lawsuit which is affecting my employment is possibly in trial. With one less worker, we are very short staffed, and people who are post call (up all night) are being given rooms the next day. I don't like it, and I will have less free time available to me as a result. Again, I accept and allow, and put a spin on it (like, I can not be bored and I'll be getting paid!)...just to get by.

On that note, I thank you for the chance to share with you my thoughts (before I forget them!).

Ross, if he has something to share, I'll give him a chance too...

(Ross wanted a picture. It too would not upload. I guess it is just one of those nights. He wants me to rest. He smiles and waves.  You know, our conversations are much different now, me and him. I'm really happy and glad he's in a place now where there's no more pain. And no one can ever hurt him. I take great comfort in matter what is going on with me, he's good. And he says he is happy but could be a little bit more once I come home to him. He's happy but not 'too much'--if that makes sense? These kinds of conversations really help me in these days before whatever is going to happen does...and I sense it is not far...I look towards the result, the goal, not the process...then I just hang on.)

Ross says, to me, 'Now get to sleep!'

Aloha and Mahalos,

Ross and Carla
The Twins