This is how I have been feeling.
I haven't been exactly 'with the program'. For the first time I wasn't angry but I told my guides I don't want to speak with them. I have all eternity to interact. It can wait a day. I need my space.
The conversation I had last night in the tub with Divine Father was important. I will share it with you.
First I must explain to you how I got into that tub. I came home at eight thirty at night. Again I had skipped dinner. There had been a long day in the hospital, followed by another trip to a different hospital to see my relative who had spine surgery late the night before. It was a good visit.
I was like, 'why bother to eat?'
And I felt like I needed a bath more than food. (Later, I did eat...more of a snack...but let's get back to the conversation).
C: Why did you make me? Was it this? (I show him a game piece moving around on a game board).
DF: (asks clarifying question)
C: (I infer I am made to relieve some Divine Boredom, nothing more than a game piece being moved around by some rules I don't even know.) Is the the whole reason why I exist?
DF: You are more like a bracelet. You were created by me, but have your own energy and are loved. Each one is different, but brings me joy, just like your bracelets are with you.
C: (I absorbed the thought) I countered that the articles of late are cruel. I can't change my story. I can't believe it's 'just one thought' that separates 'us' from 'them'. (Then I got inspired!) Divine Father, in the physical condition of diabetes, people are metabolically Starving In A Sea Of Sugar. They can't assimilate it. They need to take insulin to be able to stop this starvation. Please Send Spiritual Insulin! I am Starving In A Field Of Love! I can't feel it. I can't sense it! Here on Earth, Love is experienced by closeness. (I showed me holding Anthony as a baby, interacting with him...in a close personal relationship). I further shared how relationships are important for our survival. I said how Love--between those incarnate--imperfect as it is, is BETTER because both parties have the courage to be in this 'state' of being incarnate--here, together. I confessed no matter how much Ross loves me, he is NOT 'here', and the loneliness is unbearable. I don't see how it's ever going to get better as long as I am here.
Divine Father didn't say anything after that.
He listened. I know that I was heard. For now, I'm okay with that.
Here is the latest article: https://gaiaportal.wordpress.com/2016/05/19/seams-of-understanding-are-created-as-gaia-impulses-portend/
Yesterday was a big day for me, in my own Spiritual Development. I forgave all those who know me, and love me, and doubt. It's painful. It's hard enough being aware of my role in the Big Picture. Most people are supportive, those in my inner circle. One pierced my heart, and I don't talk to them any more. I realized this defense is a mask, the cause behind the suffering is their lack of insight/spiritual development--not my problem, and in a way, this is a gift because people like this one are way in the majority. I can't concern myself with them, or their energy. I can only love. A prophet is never welcomed in their home town. The same is true today. This was a good shift. The person has 'right actions'--just a block in one place. So I let it go.
This article was downright cruel: https://thecreatorwritings.wordpress.com/2016/05/18/just-a/
For the record, I am committed to be incarnate and follow a pre-birth contract, a Life Script. If I suicide what I owe for my Life Script doesn't change. There IS no way out. It's like the Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. If whoever I am 'entertainment' for, by my being Incarnate and providing 'Awareness' for je ne sais quoi--wishes to change the channel on the remote, then I get another 'story' or 'walk out of the theater'. These are harsh realities and bitter truths of this whole Gaia Incarnate experience. Apparently the person who designed this whole thing was me. I had a part in it. I don't know how to change it. There is no owner's manual. There's no hard to understand diagram like from IKEA when you assemble furniture yourself. Meditation is the only thing. And I do it.
This article, too, is cruelty on a stick: http://ronahead.com/2016/05/18/will-life-become-council/
The only thing that separates YOU from US (who are in the comfort of our recliners and flipping the channels) is the BELIEF that you are 'not worthy'.
Sorry. We are Starving In A Sea Of Love. Send us the Spiritual Insulin.
And by the way, I DO love everything and everybody. Even those who hurt me I have turned the other cheek. For YEARS! It's not doing anything! Until the entire collective consciousness starts acting this way, I don't see where it's going to take me. For now, with this philosophy--which I live and breathe and have for years--the best I get is detachment, numbing of the pain, and less drama.
I ask for morphine and you give me Ultram.
There is a difference!
Grumpy as I am, I did meditate this morning. I didn't talk to anybody. But I have discipline, and for ten minutes I just sat in my little spot.
My gwindel who called to me to take it home, the one that was on sale, arrived yesterday. It is the most beautiful one I have ever seen. It's from Switzerland.
I give thanks for the crystals which maintain the vibration where I rest. It's like a midway station--energetically--to be in my room where my crystals are. It's like plugging in the electric car at night.
Wesak. This upcoming Full Moon is close to Wesak. There aren't many big spiritual holidays on The Other Side. This day of the Buddha's enlightenment is one of them. They wear all their white robes and chant and do their dancing thing to the music that isn't quite Top 40 or Pop...I know just enough but not much. I'm thankful for the reminder from a reader about Wesak.
From Bartholomew: when you die, you are asked two questions. How much did you learn? (about your dark side) and How much did you Love?
It's from the book, and something worth thinking about.
I am sending the insulin.
And I thank you for your patience with my wife, and all her woes and angst.
Nothing is hidden.
Everything she writes is exactly what has transpired.
Carla is so very much Loved by all of the Cosmos.
On the way home, she was talking with Divine Father. There is an important part in her conversation with Him, the earlier one, that she left out. I will clue you in about it.
C: Father? If I am Gaia, then everything I see is me. Is this correct?
DF: Yes Carla it is.
C: (looking at the houses everywhere, all over the landscape, and taking in the people--how many live where she looks, and by extrapolation, all over the world) Then everyone out here is a part of me too, is this correct?
DF: Yes, this too is correct.
C: (flashing images of wars, and strip mines, and pollution, and slaughterhouses) Then I must hate myself! To hurt me like that.
DF: (very soft gaze with Love)
C: It's much easier to be Carla and live my life than to think those other thoughts about what is going on all over the place on Me.
DF: (offers reassurance)
C: How did it get to be like that? All out of control? Are you able to fix it?
DF: Yes. That is what is going on now.
(for the first time now I see the Belief that we are same as Creator--and Love--will heal the planet. It is like pouring water on a fire. Thank you Ross. --ed)
Ross--I rest my case.
P.S. Carla is late for work! She has a long day today. At the surgery center.
Aloha and Mahalos,
Ross and Carla
The Reiki Doc Family