Thursday, December 29, 2011

Recovery from Painful Past I

I saw my heart surgeon today. While I was on the way out from my overnight shift on Labor and Delivery. The Universe has a sense of humor. I had my roller bag with my overnight stuff and pillow rolling loudly away. One of his 'complaints' about me was how I had a roller attache case 'that should have been for the airport'.

I said hello. I saw a grey-haired man in scrubs coming out of the guest men's restroom right by the labor and delivery entrance to the hospital. Energetically, I knew it was someone I knew, but my eyes and memory had trouble saying who was who. It took a while to remember him, which is odd because cardiac anesthesiologists and cardiac surgeons work so closely together.

The reason given for the heart room deciding not to have me in it were: I was mean, I had personality conflict, and I wanted to spend time with my child. 

Yesterday in the Doctors' Dining Room, the heart team ignored me. All the CCU nurses who act like residents in running the show. The cardiologists. Except the one who likes me, the short Jewish guy, who is always kind. The Echo techs have always been kind, too. They knew my skills.

When it came right down to it, I wasn't a man, and only men fit in the OR for cardiac surgery. At least according to Surgeon X, who was standing in the hall in front of me.

Although it had been painful being kicked out of my OR and the cardiac program I began, I was happier out of it. I had taken six weeks' heart call, straight, 24/7 availability for heart cases. I had felt trapped, and upset that my availability did not come with extra compensation for being on call.

What struck me this morning, was that "I do not buy into your insanity'. That is what my heart said to me about the surgeon, who was racing between hospitals seeing patients before a day packed in the OR at another facility. I don't like being at your beck and call. I don't like being pressured and judged. And you know what? I felt fine interacting with him. No hard feelings.

That is a Reiki healing that must have happened to me! How far I have come! And I knew on some level, he felt it. It made him nervous that I didn't care one bit about his entire existence and calling to do hearts.

Today was a changing day!


Reiki Doc