Just finished a twenty-four hour OB call. I find I have more delight in taking care of my patients. All this spiritual awakening has caused me to have love for them in their predicament, for the doctors and nurses who are helping to take care of them, and for the newborns.
Along with this comes an analytical awareness that is non-judgmental towards myself. I ask questions...
Do I really want to do this for another ten years? No. I want more time at home with my own family and in my own bed.
Is it worth it, the money? Not really. The stipend is twenty dollars an hour on weekdays, thirty an hour on weekends, but the cases I get to bill for have more poor payor mix. Insurance does not adjust for the complexity or length of the case. It bundles into one lump fee. Five medicaid cases equal one PPO case! I made substantially less than my main OR peers. And the time off work,the trade off for a free day off post call, is false. I am grumpy,sleepy and forcing myself through my post call day.
Should I go do OB somewhere else? No. They are too busy, with over three hundred deliveries a month. Consistently. Our doing that last month was a fluke. A busy, exhausting fluke.
How can I best make use of my gifts? I don't know. I think the main OR schedule is too unpredictable for a single parent. I like the surgeons and the patients and the payor mix. Bit I do not want to do the heart call where I did six weeks' straight with no on call pay again.
What does my heart say? Get out. Try something new. Enjoy life. Work part time and plan for your retirement.
In the big picture, making more does not make sense. Your share of taxes is increasingly burdensome. The combined checks I mailed yesterday as my last installment of 2011 to the federal government and state exceed the total cost for my new car!!! What services do I get for this? Really? A war I didn't ask for? Being felt up at the airport? I have little or no say in how that money is spent.
My work is a gift from God. I studied for it. It is my dream come true. And I love interacting with my patients. But the cost, the personal sacrifice is great. How does one balance between them both?
The answer is Serenity.
Like the twelve step form. That is, to trust that somehow everything is going to be okay. And that forces out there are helping to take care of it. To anticipate with enthusiasm a good life, of abundance in time, talent and treasure. Along with this, to look for signs and hints from spirit along the way.
Let's see where I shall be six months from now, shall we?
Love and light and Namaste,
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